Love Letter

Do you have any written letters/emails/cards from someone that was close to you that has died or is no longer around? Maybe a letter written by a soldier that you haven't spoken to in a year or more? Or an email from a dear friend that you are no longer in contact with?

I have a greeting card that I consider very special to me. I keep it in my bible. It was a thank you card, written by my Mamaw Rogers. I had bought her a book and mailed it to her after a she told me how much she wanted it during a visit to Houston to see her. That's all. Just a simple thank you card.

She died nearly two years ago, and this card helps me remember her kindness and her love.

By reading it over and over again, I'm not learning any new information about her. The words don't change. They just express her gratitude for a silly, simple thing that I did to make her happy.

I think reading the Bible must be a little like that. The words don't change to magically point me to the path God wants me to take. The information doesn't change. But in reading it, I feel closer to the One who wrote it. I feel more connected to its Author.

I haven't read through the entire Bible yet. I'm working on it. I've read all of the New Testament and a good deal of the Old Testament. When I'm done, I'm not planning on putting it on the shelf to collect dust. I plan to start all over again. To continue to read it over and over for all of my days. Because I want to feel closer to God. Just like reading my Mamaw's thank you note helps me remember her.

Growing Up

Maybe you're totally not interested in hearing about my little tree neighbors, the Robins, but I'm going to post about them again. Because I love them and will miss them when they're gone.

Yesterday, I noticed something was very different in The Nest. Momma was hanging out and not going off the find food as often. She hung out at the nest with her little ones nearly all day. And she was chatting up a storm! I felt certain that she was explaining that the nest is just a small part of their existance, that they will someday soon be strong enough to leave the nest and go make a life for themselves. I imagined she was teaching them how to hunt for food and how to clean themselves and how to fly and how to make a nest of their own in which to raise their own little babies.

Check out this meal fit for a bird. She's holding a worm and a kicking grasshopper in her little mouth. Nice work!

This morning, I looked outside and sure enough, there's only one bird left in the nest. I had actually figured that the two strong ones would leave first, that this little runt of the pack would be left behind until he/she could grow big and strong. And sure enough, he's still there.

Here's the little one. He's only half the size of his siblings. I really hope he makes it. I don't know much about birds, so I don't know if this is typical or not. I was worried that maybe the momma would abandon him, but she hasn't! I saw her bring a hearty meal to her little gu today. YAY!!!

I went outside to see if the little ones were hopping around in my yard, looking for worms and crickets, trying out their wings. And I was very surprised and excited to see one of the babies fly over my head and land on a branch nearby!

After a little while of sitting there, he got all excited and started hopping up the branch. I was sure that he knew Momma was on her way with his turn for a meal. It's really cute to hear them talking to each other.

And then she was off again. But not before beckoning her little one to hop from branch to branch to follow her. He can fly a little, but not for long. You can tell that he's new at this, but I'm just so impressed that he can do it at all! What a trooper.

I never did see his other strong sibling, but I think I heard him/her, and I did see the Daddy going in a different direction. I figure that's where the other one is. I'm so happy for them! Makes me think of how my own kids will one day fly the coop! There's excitement, fear and heartache all rolled up into one huge emotion when I think about it. I just have to remember that they are only in my house for a time, and then they will be off, ready and willing to spread their own wings! I can't wait to watch them soar and make little families of their own. I've heard that birds come back every year to the same spot to raise their babies. They will always remember the home they were nurtured in. Sigh. What beauty. What responsibility! What a life!

Father's Day

I am blessed to have grown up with two amazing men - my dad and my stepdad. Here's to all the awesome fathers out there.

RIP

WHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whimper.

sob.

One of the baby birds fell out of the nest this morning and died. I know I only knew of them for a little more than a week, but I had become so attached. I watched them all day long. Took pictures all the time. The first thing I did every morning was look outside my bedroom window because they were directly across from it. I was absolutely fascinated with them.

So my heart is aching, knowing that one of them didn't make it. I wonder if Momma is sad. I wonder if she flew down and tried to help her baby. I wonder if his siblings miss him. I wonder if they understand.

I wonder if I will ever understand God. His Word says that He takes care of the birds. Well, what about that bird? Why did his life have to be cut so short? For what purpose? How does that glorify Him? Is the life cycle of nature supposed to teach us about our own lives? To help us relate to it as we get older and slow down ourselves. To help us understand that there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. Is God in the business of population control when it comes to nature? Is it to help us appreciate how fragile and short LIFE in general is?

All I know is that I was relating to this little birdie family and gathering strength from God's promise that He takes care of His creation. And NOW.........

I feel very fragile. It's not like I don't trust that God will provide, but if His provision can allow the death of something so delicate and innocent and precious - well, that's kind of scary to me. (It's not like this is a newfound truth for me. Just fresh right now and thought I'd address it.) I know we just have to trust in His plan. That we can't expect a painless life. That it's in our pain that we cry out to our Father. It's in our pain that we learn to set boundaries. It's in our pain that we gather strength from those He has placed in our lives to comfort us. It's in our pain that we are brought to a doctor that can detect the early signs of something that would have been catastrophic if not found and treated. It's in our pain where we learn to appreciate and cherish those sweet pain-free moments.

And all of those things are precious to me. But it's scary to just trust your family, your life, to God when you know that He can allow really incredibly difficult things to happen to you. When He can do to me what He did to Job. Or to Momma. Or to any number of families out there.

How it is that I can become so attached to a little family of birdies is kind of incredible all in itself. I'm a tender, sensitive person. Very sentimental and very much in love with every shape and size of what we call 'families.' I know that God has left us the responsibility of taking care of these sweet animals. I wish I could have done something to prevent this death. I had thought just yesterday of putting a mattress on our hard deck, so that if a birdie fell out, it wouldn't get too hurt. But then I thought that was being silly and overly protective, and that I could trust that God would hold up His end of the deal.

God knew it was going to happen. It didn't escape Him or happen without Him noticing. And maybe He's not ok with it, and that He still allowed it because of His nature or something. I don't know. I do know that I still trust Him. That whatever happens, God can turn it into something beautiful (like that baby bird having a written tribute about him on the internet for all to read). Even if it happens to my family. I know that God's plan is good and that my not understanding it doesn't make it any less perfect.

Goodbye, sweet baby bird. Know that I prayed for you and am praying now for your family. Know that you brought a lot of joy to my life in the short time you were here.

(how silly am i?) I feel a little ridiculous doing that. But I think I'd feel more ridiculous not doing it.

kids and prayer

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can move my children from repeating the same prayer day in and day out to a more expressive, personal time of communicating with God?

When they see a need, they will often be spontaneous and pray for that particular need or person, but at night, after we've read our story and sang our song, they want to say the same prayer that they pray every night.

Josh says this "Thank you God for this beautiful day and having good dreams and having good everything. Amen."

and Gillian says "Thank you for this beautiful day. Help everyone in the whole world to have a good rest tonight."

sometimes Gillie adds a bit more, but usually that's it.

For about a year, when Ben would pray with them, he started it off with "Thank you for this beautiful day..." So that's where that comes from. I change it up everytime. Really proves the fact that the father sets the spiritual mood of the house.

Is it actually a good thing for kids to be so repetitive at this age? Or should they take some time each night before they pray to think about what they want to say?

And here's another thing. Gillian always wants to pray last. She says that she wants to listen to everyone else first so that she won't forget something. But regardless of what we have prayed, she stays stuck in her regular prayer. So that makes me question if she's really considering what we are saying or just stalling for whatever reason.

After a while, Ben turned this little battle with Gillie into "let's flip a coin to see who goes last." there's something i REALLY don't like about that. Once I noticed that it was happening, I started jumping up and down and raising my hand and getting really excited about going first every night. so now that's how Josh reacts. He wants to be first. But Gillie still wants to be last. It drives me bonkers. I want to make sure she feels comfortable speaking from her heart about the things/people that she cares about. I want her to take the time to consider all the things that she might want to pray about and then be excited about being allowed, even encouraged, to speak to the creator of the universe, the lover of her soul. Right now, it just seems that she wants to copy what she hears the rest of us say. Like she doesn't want to put any effort into it.

anyway, any thoughts? suggestions? advice?

thanks.

Because there can never be enough pictures

Ben's family has a Family Day every once in a while, and we had one last weekend. We had a fun time with the peeps that were there. I brought my camera, and I'm sooo glad that I did. There were so many beautiful moments. And one really amazing rusty ol' truck!

Have I ever mentioned how much I admire bees? I really do.

This is Lillian. She's adorable. I've never seen her this friendly with us before. It was a joy to play with her!

Josh always scouts out the bugs in the area. He studied this one for quite a long while. And then placed it under his shoe and slammed down on it. Then studied the guts. I'm hoping these kind of skills will someday serve him and his family well.

Of course, he MELTS my heart with his genuine sweetness.

Miss Lillian really liked Jack. I think the feeling was mutual.

(by the way, the cool frames on some of these pictures are from this site. most of them are available to download and use on your own images. they are sooo fun!)

Don't Worry

When we first moved into our new home, I spent most of our time in the backyard. I am so happy with our new yard. There are just so many beautiful plants and flowers. I discovered that there was a nest in our tree, and that one particular bird was in it everyday. I named her "Momma" hoping that she was sitting on some eggs. I don't remember ever having a birds' nest to watch and be in awe of.

We do now. Just this week, three little beaks keep popping up out of the nest, straining for their momma. The first thing I do every morning is look out my bedroom window, which is actually pretty close to the nest. I see Momma and her babies enjoying their breakfast. What a sweet way to start your day!

I got this shot yesterday of Momma actually feeding her little ones.

She used to sit in the nest. Now she rests on the side of it. Or on top of her sleeping babies.

While I was taking pictures, she flew over to a branch that was really close to me.

See how puffed up she looks? I think she was trying to intimidate me.

I think she's convinced she could do some major damage to me with those talons if she needed to. I believe her.

If I go missing, this is the mug you should look for. Seriously.

But I just couldn't stop taking photos of her. I absolutely love her. I think she is wonderful.

"Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God." - Psalm 84:3

I wish I could tell this little momma robin how much she and I have in common. I too work hard to take care of my three hungry babies. And I wouldn't hestitate to stand up to someone far larger and more dangerous if I feared they could bring harm to my kiddos. I applaud her for trying. Her babies are loved.

Although I'm relating to this little bird, there are lots of things we don't have in common. Yes, that's right. Thanks for noticing. I'm not a bird and she is.

But to me, that's not the biggest difference.

To me the biggest difference is that she's probably not too terribly concerned with where her next meal is coming from. She is probably convinced that if she swoopes down to find food for her and her babies, she'll find it. She is convinced of this because it has just always happened. Why would she doubt?

Why would I doubt? I have absolutely ZERO reason to doubt that my family and I will be provided for. And yet, I'm a bit concerned right now.

See, Ben went a bit manic in February. He's still there. It's not overwhelming like it has been in the past. He's grown up a LOT, and the things his mind is urging him to do are actually healthy and good for him. He caught it early and went to a psychiatrist right away. (Yes, I count my blessings everyday that Ben is willing to take medication for his bipolar. That he realizes the importance of not letting his feel-good mania get out of control.) Because of this, he's been making a few mistakes at work. There are so many teeny tiny details and steps to his job, and missing just one will throw the whole thing. That's happened a few times. When he originially told his boss about it, his boss seemed relieved that it was something temporary and not Ben being careless or whatever. But it seems his boss expected Ben to be back to normal by now. He allowed Ben to take off work for like 6 days (not NEARLY enough time to regulate a manic mood), and said that he'd only call him for emergencies. Well, apparently everything is an emergency, and Ben didn't really get much of a break from the stresses of his job.

Long story short - Ben never got the time he needed away from work to get back down to a normal pace. And because of this, his mania affected his job. He would ask to work from home more days than he should have (which should be fine since he can do his job perfectly no matter where he is, but his boss didn't like it) and was still making a few mistakes every once in a while. Ben is the only person at his job that can do what he does. If something with the network goes wrong, he's the ONLY one that can fix it. So he wouldn't get to his car after leaving the office before he was being called to fix something. Probably 5 out of every 7 days, he had to work several hours once he got home and usually on the drive home as well. It was pretty stressful for Ben. Especially in his manic state.

Well, his doctor noticed that he should have calmed down by now and suggested that all the after-hours demands of his job were keeping him from getting better. The doc recommended that Ben go on short term disability. I wasn't too sure about it at first, but it was the smartest thing Ben could have done. About a week before the short term disability took affect, he got called by a recruiter about his job. The job he is currently working! Seems his boss has been trying to find his replacement. On Monday of this week, Ben got a company wide email from his boss introducing the New Guy. So when Ben is better and can get off of short term disability, he's out of a job. He can't be fired while he's on disability because of the Americans with Disabilities act, so for now, he's protected. Sure his income goes down by a third, but it's probably still more than he'd be getting if he was on unemployment or whatever.

He's working hard to get his resume out there, to call recruiters and ask about different jobs that he could work. But he's stressing out big time. (And I'm sure you've guessed that that is NO GOOD for his bipolar.)

He took Gillian out yesterday to a little hiking trail nearby and was teaching her about the flowers and animals living in the park. He told her that God always takes care of them. No matter what. And that if He takes care of them, how much more will He take care of us - who He loves even more?!

Last night as I was laying in bed, thinking about my birdies, and praying for God to place Ben in a job where Ben can be a witness and a good worker, it hit me. We're going to be just fine. Just like Momma Robin is able to provide for her new little babies because God guides her to the place where He laid her meals, God will take care of us.

We have no reason to doubt Him. He's always taken care of all of us.

I'm also realizing that it's not really lack of food or shelter that I'm worried about. I've lived in homeless shelters and been without money for food or clothes and was just fine. I've seen families taken care of in this country by the many, MANY organizations created just to serve them. If it comes to that, we'll still be fine. I doubt it would ever even come to that. We have such loving family members and friends. We will definitely be just fine.

What I'm worried about is changing my lifestyle. I know how shallow that must sound. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to cut costs. To spend less and not eat meals with as many ingredients. To drive less and cut down on gas money. To completely and totally halt all unnecessary expenses. I'm not afraid to work harder to earn extra money. I've been brainstorming a few things that I might could do to earn a few extra dollars. I'm not afraid to sell certain things either. We just moved, and I purged us of all kinds of extra and unnecessary. To get rid of the things that I decided to keep would be a little hard for us, but it's far better to let go of those silly, replaceable things than to not be able to pay rent or buy food. I'm not that selfish. So if it comes to it, it'll happen.

I'm not afraid of doing all those things. In fact, it might end up revealing areas of my life that I didn't realize where extravagent. Which is actually kind of wonderful. I would love to live a simpler life. The simpler the better. Ben's not totally in agreement with me there, but I'm sure that once he lived with less, he'd like it better too. I'm not afraid, but I am a bit worried. I guess just not knowing if we can stay in this house. Not knowing if Ben will be able to slow down under all this stress. He does realize that he's not the primary provider of our family. But he really likes the role God put him in. He feels pressure to do it justice. To show God appreciation for making him the head of the household. Ben's always been able to find jobs. He's really good in interviews and is genuinely incredible at his job. It is definitely a gift of his.

Anyway, if you think about it, please pray that Ben would find a job soon. That our hearts would be focused on what we do have and not on what we might not have. That we would trust in God's goodness and perfect provision, regardless of what that ends up looking like. That we'd be willing to do what the Holy Spirit may be urging us to do, to go where He guides and to accept and appreciate the comfort of knowing that God is looking out for us just like He's looking out for our Momma Robin and her babies.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matthew 6:25-27

I Heart Art

I saw this photo on a super cute website from an artist named Katie who is doing some super cute things. I just loved this picture so much. I want to be them.

This and this are just incredible!