Excavations

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." cs lewis

I'm just gonna be honest. This summer has been brutal on my marriage. Ben has had a rough time, and he's taken it out on me. I've had a rough time and taken it out on him. We were amped up and super sensitive, and instead of trying to be there for each other, we just attacked with all our might. It was horrible.

We seem to be on the other side of it now. Thank you, Jesus! But now we need to rebuild some of the things we broke. Like hearts. and trust. and stuff like that.

We are currently tiptoeing back into this whole being-on-the-same-team idea. Ben is MUCH better at this than I am. He forgives so completely and quickly. It's not effortless, but it seems like it. He is trying hard to clean up his side of the street and is being patient while I try to clean up my side of the street. But it's a WHOLE lot easier to stop yelling and stop rolling eyes and to smile more and hug more than it is to give your heart back to someone who has broken it.

I can change my behaviors. and I have been. But I'm finding it extremely difficult to soften my heart and risk it being hurt again.

I'm giving him this:

when I need to be giving him this:

We won't get very far in being there for each other if I steel up my heart and keep Ben out. All this work he's doing to make amends won't penetrate and affect my heart if I remain hard-hearted. I am getting in the way of us truly being a team if I bury my heart. I am keeping us from healing.

Yes, I will likely get my heart broken again. But if I never risk it, I will never have the opportunity to really experience healing and love and compassion and forgiveness and marriage. I'm not willing to let my marriage or my heart die. So I'm gonna let Ben love me. and I'm not going to question his motives or belittle his efforts or reject his sweet, sweet heart. He's worth it. I'm worth it. Our marriage is worth it. Lord, help me remember grace. Help me remember love. Help me trust. Help me enjoy the adventure of being vulnerable.