Wednesday, December 02, 2009


I know I haven't written anything too deep or spiritual recently. Sorry. I'm so flustered these days. I know I need to dedicate a bit more (make that a LOT more) headspace to meditating on God's Word. It seems these days that I fly through my Scripture readings, not taking the time to really listen or pay attention.

I'm overwhelmed with my boys' needs. Recently, I've had a few issues with my son, Josh. Issues that have led me to believe that he needs to be parented differently from Gillian. I feel that I know the basic things that Gillian needs, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Because they are so similar to what I, myself, need. But not being a boy, I'm at a loss a lot of the time about what to do for my boys. I have been reading some books to try to get some insight. They mostly tell me that Ben is responsible for most of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting his sons. But he's a bit clueless, I'm a bit clueless on what to suggest for him to do, and we're just shellshocked by their needs. At least, that's how it feels.

I'm also dealing with some health issues. My reproductive organs are mad at me or something. And every doctor I've talked to in the past 3 years have wanted to yank them all out. But I'm not a big fan of being so young with no girlie bits. So I'm focusing a lot of my time on learning how to decrease my sugar and refined carbs intact. No small feat considering that I was raising on Little Debbie. It seems I'm trying to adopt a combination of Sugarbusters and Atkins. And I'm learning that dairy may have done me few favors in the past as well. oy.

And of course, as always, I am desperate for Jesus. I want Him in my life more. I want more of Him in my husband's life. I want more of Him in my children's lives. And I want us to go out there a shine our little lights. And I have been consumed with discovering ways to shine this season. So strange that the DAY after Thanksgiving - mere hours after we've reflected upon all that we have and have focused on how grateful that we are - we are trampling people in the malls trying to stuff our stockings with the latest, greatest junk that we were content without the day before.

In case you're interested, in my house, we give the kids three presents each. Because that's how many Jesus got. And we are starting a new tradition this year that I heard about at church last weekend. We have a nativity set, and on Christmas Eve, Ben and I will take the baby Jesus and hide Him somewhere in the house. Then on Christmas morning, before a single present is opened, the kids will have to find baby Jesus and put Him back in the manger. Because, we can't have Christmas without Him. And He comes first. Before ANYTHING. Period.

I find myself overwhelmed with the need in the world. Sure, there is some serious need for food, water, families, medicines, safety... But I also look around and see such a need for Jesus. I see it in the mirror. I see it out my window. I see it in the movies and on the radio and in the paperback section. I see it in the Black Friday deals and the Thanksgiving feasts and on the streets. It's just so hard to walk around, knowing what I have, and not being able to just hand it out. God has to choose them, and they have to accept that. If they don't, I can only feed them. Clothe them. Wash them. Laugh with them. Cry for them. Pray for them. It's not up to me who gets into heaven and who doesn't. All I can do is pray and shine. Pray and shine. And try so very hard to not seem like I'm overwhelmed. I know Christians get overwhelmed. But having been a non-believer for so long, I know that there are eyes on me, trying to see if my faith is helping me at all. If it's worth it for them to potentially lose the respect from their friends and family. If it's worth being seen as someone who needs a stupid crutch, as someone who has been duped by the greatest fairytale of all time. I don't know how to be authentically overwhelmed and blessed beyond measure at the same time. If I weren't yet a believer, I'd be confused by my own behavior.

Come Jesus. I want to touch you. I want to see your face. I want to know you more.

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