I'm a mom

Ok, first off - After a very LONG day of riding roller coasters again and again (don't get me wrong, I love roller coasters!), I needed to veg tonight to give the very thick, owie blisters on both of my feet some time where I wasn't willing them to move anymore. And secondly, Grey's Anatomy started up again this past week. We had recorded it with the DVR, so I finally got around to watching it tonight while I was resting my badly beat up body.

If you've read my blog, you've seen that watching Grey's Anatomy means I'm gonna cry. They just go hand in hand. So I'm watching the first new Grey's in a while, and George delivers a baby, and then they show a nursery full of squirmy little babies, and then I remember this past week, I spent a whole morning surrounded by little babies and babies that are just forming and growing in their lucky mommas, and then I remember all the babies in the world who don't have mommas or daddies who need someone to just snuggle with them and keep them safe.....

and I can't sleep. I have Gillian's all-day homeschool co-op in the morning, and I can't sleep because all I can think about is babies, and the sad thought occurs to me that I probably can't have anymore. and I start feeling all devestated, and my stomach knots up and the hairs on my arms get all frizzed out and my teeth even hurt.

I'm a mom. I know that this is why God saved me. To be a mom. To be maternal. I never considered myself maternal before, but I am SO a mom. Being a mom, I want little beings to be a mom to. To do mom things for. I just do. And yes, I have two amazing kids that God so went overboard in blessing me with. Most days I even think He made a mistake because my kids are just SOOO great that I can't possibly be enough for them.

My uterus is all crazy now. My doc says I have this type of endometriosis called adenomyosis, where the inner lining cells of the uterus have actually started growing within my uterine musculature. It's not pleasant. It hurts and doesn't make it easy to get pregnant. In fact, it's pretty impossible. I'm being treated for it, and there will be a teeny tiny window of opportunity that we may have here in the next couple of months after we shrink the yucky poo poo owie growing stuff in my uterus to get pregnant. But it's a really teeny tiny chance.

I have always loved the idea of adopting. My husband does too. And my rocking sister in law and her family have adopted two amazing kiddos from Africa. So oc course the thought occurs to me more and more often that we should adopt. I'm natually drawn to South Asia. I find myself trying to come up with a way to move there and be among the people of this area. I find my attention drawn quickly to any news about the area. I even watch Asian TV that I get on our fancy digital cable.

The problem is that my sweet hubby and I don't appear very 'parental' on paper. We have a, how do you say it, very colorful past. Some of it in the not so distant past. and some of our colorfulness isn't approved of by the Asian countries. They don't like people like us to adopt their children. So again with the breaking of my heart and the big dragon tears plopping on my keyboard.

So I'm left with a few choices here - try during that teeny tiny opportunity to get pregnant and have a baby, find another area of the world that would approve of us adopting and loving one (or more!) of their kiddos, or thank the good Lord for my two precious, amazing kids and leave it at that.

Regardless, I love my kids and love that God hand-picked me to be their mom. I just pray that God's will would be done and that I'd be ok with that.

Involved in Miracles

I am reading a book by the president of the International Justice Mission, Gary Haugen called "Good News About Injustice." In the seventh chapter, there is a section that I think just needs to be read by everyone, so I'm going to type it out here.

'A preacher once asked me (and the rest of his congregation) to consider a scene that has stayed with me ever since. He asked us to recall the story about the feeding of the five thousand. The disciples brought complaints about the hungry multitude to Jesus, and he responded compassionately by blessing the bits of food from a boy's lunch - five loaves of bread and two fishes. "Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They ate and all were satisfied" (Matthew 14:19). The speaker then asked us to imagine a scenario in which the disciples just kept thanking Jesus for all the bread and fish - without passing them along to the people. He asked us to imagine the disciples starting to be overwhelmed by the piles of multiplying loaves and fish surrounding them, yelling out to Jesus, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" - all the while never passing along the food to people. And then beneath the mounting piles of food, the disciples even could be heard complaining to Jesus that he wasn't doing anything about the hungry multitude.

'This simple illustration struck my heart deeply. How kind of Jesus to include the boy and the disciples in his miracle. Surely he could have done it differently. Surely he could have commanded the heavens to unload manna and quail right on top of everybody. But how beautifully he included the boy's tiny offering. Jesus (the Creator of all things, seen and unseen) no more needed those five loaves and two fish than my wife and I need our three-year-old's "help" in baking cinnamon rolls for visitors. But what a wonderful, life-changing day for that boy to be part of Jesus' miracle. How fun for the disciples to go among the grateful, joyful multitudes - to be the hands dispensing Christ's supernatural power and love. How ridiculous, on the other hand, that they should imagine that the vast piles of bread and fish should be given to them for any other reason than to feed those who were in need.

'So too with the ministry of God's rescue for the oppressed in the world. How does God rescue the life of the needy from the hands of the wicked? Overwhelmingly, he does it through those who choose to follow him in faith and obedience. He doesn't need our "help," but he chooses to use us.

'Look at the millions of bonded child laborers in India or the thousands of child prostitutes in Asia or thousands of torture victims twisting and bleeding in the world's forgotten jail cells, we can say to God, "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for all the power, protection, freedom and justice you have granted us in sparing us from such fates. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

'Or we can ask, "What have you given me, Father, that I might help those who don't have power, who don't have protection, who don't have freedom, who don't have justice?"'

My Little Mermaid

We had Gillian's birthday party today. It was a blast, and she had many fun friends and family come up and just lavish her with love. Thank you all!

Chandelier

Here it is. Finally. I made this little 'chandelier' from candy necklaces. I made it to hang above my daughter's table of goodies at her birthday party later today. I will probably post pictures from the party as well later. But for now, I'm off to sleep before the Houstonians arrive. :)

Happy Birthday!

Wow! I can't believe it's been five years since my daughter Gillian was born. I remember her birth so vividly. I've been looking through old pictures and am just marvelling at her life. What a transformation we've all gone through!

We're about to run out to enjoy some ice cream and a trip to the library, and then some family is coming over later this evening for brownies and more ice cream. This weekend her friends and more family are coming together for a Princess Party. You all must know by now that I'm crazy ambitious. I'm almost finished making her a candy necklace chandelier to hang above her table of goodies for the party. I'll post pictures when it's complete. I had thought that the idea was so brilliant of me and that I would launch a whole line of chandeliers made of various items like sea shells, dominos and dice, coral and other small trinkets as a business venture. But it is HARD work! My hubby is trying to figure out how to design a machine that will do most of the work for me. But for now, it's going to remain "this great idea I had once."

Anyway, if you knew me at any time in my past, you'd know what a miracle it is that I've kept a kid alive for 5 whole years. Now that's some evidence for the existance of God if I've ever seen any!

So let's see - Around age 5, school starts, baby teeth start the process of being replaced by your adult chompers... Lots of milestones for her to go hurtling across. What joy!

Point of View

My mother in law and I have started a photo blog. We're hoping to post a photo a day for a year. You can visit it here. Leave a comment to let us know you stopped by.

Would you love me?

Imagine that I am your spouse who you have chosen to love for better or for worse til death do you part. Our wedding is just beautiful, and we seem so devoted to each other as we start our life together, not as two anymore, but as one.

Sooner or later though, you start noticing that there is this distance between us. As you've been just as attentive and plugged into our relationship as you've always been, you wonder why I'm pulling away. You watch me pull away physically when you try to be affectionate and hold my hand. It even seems like I don't want to hear what you have to say anymore because I never take your suggestions and even go so far as to do the exact opposite of what I know you would want.

You discover that I have been cheating on you. Not once or twice, but it's happening all the time. I don't even bother to come home most nights. After a while, the only time you ever see me is when I need something. I will come home and act sincere, promising to work on our relationship more, begging for another chance. And so you forgive me and tell me you love me.

But of course, before long, I take off again, not caring about checking in, calling or anything.

So....if you were married to me - would you still love me? Would you stay married to me? Would you forgive me knowing that I am going to screw up again?

Would you love me even though I often ignore the fact that you sent your most treasured gift, your only Son, to die violently in order to restore our relationship?

Would I love a spouse like this?

I do NOT love like God - but I am grateful that He loves me when I am like this.

For the love of trains..

When you start finding trains in your potty, you might need to consider that your son likes Thomas and Friends a little TOO much.