Sunday, September 30, 2007

I'm a mom

Ok, first off - After a very LONG day of riding roller coasters again and again (don't get me wrong, I love roller coasters!), I needed to veg tonight to give the very thick, owie blisters on both of my feet some time where I wasn't willing them to move anymore. And secondly, Grey's Anatomy started up again this past week. We had recorded it with the DVR, so I finally got around to watching it tonight while I was resting my badly beat up body.

If you've read my blog, you've seen that watching Grey's Anatomy means I'm gonna cry. They just go hand in hand. So I'm watching the first new Grey's in a while, and George delivers a baby, and then they show a nursery full of squirmy little babies, and then I remember this past week, I spent a whole morning surrounded by little babies and babies that are just forming and growing in their lucky mommas, and then I remember all the babies in the world who don't have mommas or daddies who need someone to just snuggle with them and keep them safe.....

and I can't sleep. I have Gillian's all-day homeschool co-op in the morning, and I can't sleep because all I can think about is babies, and the sad thought occurs to me that I probably can't have anymore. and I start feeling all devestated, and my stomach knots up and the hairs on my arms get all frizzed out and my teeth even hurt.

I'm a mom. I know that this is why God saved me. To be a mom. To be maternal. I never considered myself maternal before, but I am SO a mom. Being a mom, I want little beings to be a mom to. To do mom things for. I just do. And yes, I have two amazing kids that God so went overboard in blessing me with. Most days I even think He made a mistake because my kids are just SOOO great that I can't possibly be enough for them.

My uterus is all crazy now. My doc says I have this type of endometriosis called adenomyosis, where the inner lining cells of the uterus have actually started growing within my uterine musculature. It's not pleasant. It hurts and doesn't make it easy to get pregnant. In fact, it's pretty impossible. I'm being treated for it, and there will be a teeny tiny window of opportunity that we may have here in the next couple of months after we shrink the yucky poo poo owie growing stuff in my uterus to get pregnant. But it's a really teeny tiny chance.

I have always loved the idea of adopting. My husband does too. And my rocking sister in law and her family have adopted two amazing kiddos from Africa. So oc course the thought occurs to me more and more often that we should adopt. I'm natually drawn to South Asia. I find myself trying to come up with a way to move there and be among the people of this area. I find my attention drawn quickly to any news about the area. I even watch Asian TV that I get on our fancy digital cable.

The problem is that my sweet hubby and I don't appear very 'parental' on paper. We have a, how do you say it, very colorful past. Some of it in the not so distant past. and some of our colorfulness isn't approved of by the Asian countries. They don't like people like us to adopt their children. So again with the breaking of my heart and the big dragon tears plopping on my keyboard.

So I'm left with a few choices here - try during that teeny tiny opportunity to get pregnant and have a baby, find another area of the world that would approve of us adopting and loving one (or more!) of their kiddos, or thank the good Lord for my two precious, amazing kids and leave it at that.

Regardless, I love my kids and love that God hand-picked me to be their mom. I just pray that God's will would be done and that I'd be ok with that.

1 comment:

Chris Freeland said...

An adoption agency would be fools to not let you adopt a kiddo.

Even so, Ben's not going to mind the "trying really hard" during that window. I bet he smiles a lot that week.