awake

Ok, it's been long enough. Time for an update.

First off, thank you for all of your kind words. I feel very loved.

Second, I am good now. Really good.

I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, whatever the snot that means, and I go 'SAD' from November through April every single year. This year, it just got really bad.

But since May showed up, it feels like I've woken from a dream. Which is about how it felt during the 'dark night of my soul.' It felt like I was asleep, unable to affect my waking moments. I would do crap and not really think I'd have any consequences. Because I wasn't awake. I was dreaming. At least, that's how it seemed.

I've had so many people comment that I look more 'me' recently. That's always a good confirmation for me that I'm doing better. and I smile a lot. and goof off. and arrange playdates. and giggle.

Confession time: I know I said I wasn't going to change my cool pink hair back to brown just because I was intimidated.  Well, I did. Like two days after I last posted.

But guess what? I just bought another box of the dye. Pink again. So we'll see if I can not be as sensitive about it this time and actually enjoy it!  :)  I'm not going to bleach it this time. Oh my goodness, the damage that did to my poor hair! But I hear it will still be pretty vibrant. and I might do highlights with the bleach. We'll see.

So school's out. Thank the Lord! and I've already had a visit with my parents and a photography job, and I have a trip to TX on the calendar. We are partying! and resting. and sitting around watching movies and playing video games and having lots of playdates. I'll be spending a great deal of tomorrow sewing costumes for stuffed animals so that Gillian and her bestie can have them in their very own production of The Wizard of Oz. No kidding. They are putting on said production for another of their stuffed animal's birthdays. They're throwing him a surprise party and putting on the show as the big finale. No kidding.

How cool are my kids, by the way?!

I found a new therapist. Remember my old one had to ditch to get a better paying job? Well, this new one is amazing. We connected right away, and I have UNLOADED. It always feels like I get in that room and ... exhale. As if I've been holding my breath for a week. It was hard at first because I'm a no-nonsense kind of person. and I'm not a fan of small talk. If I'm paying you to listen to my crap, I'm gonna share my crap. I'm not gonna sit there and talk about the weather. Ya know? So I shared a lot in a short period of time. It set me off at first. It was hard to 'remember' all the details. And those things come flooding in like a river when  you crack that dam just a sliver. But I've learned that I can talk about all of it with ease. All except for that one guy. I get all still. and quiet. and scared still. Kind of feels like having a bag held over my face. ick.

But anyway, I have slowed down the details. I realize that small talk helps in building trust with a person. and I feel like she genuinely cares about me. So that'll help when I decide to talk about him again. But I'm trying not to rush it. Even though I'm in the 'safe, happy' months now, I don't want to backslide. It stinks. I want to deal with it, but I'm scared of what that will mean. I don't want to be all depressed and scared during my kids' summer vacation. But it's probably not wise to think I can deal with it later this fall when my SAD will return. Double ick.

So that's about it. Oh and my garage is amazing! You wouldn't recognize it if you'd seen it before. I took all this aggression and feeling like I was finally awake (and knowing my mom was coming for a visit!) and put it all into a major garage cleaning. My car is literally parked in there right now. and that's saying something!

So. Life is good. And friends are patient. and strangers are compassionate. and God is there. and I am happy.

How are you?