Saturday, July 09, 2011

not a mistake

Hey doods! Summer has arrived, and we've been crazy busy. I have wanted to type out a post here for a couple of weeks now, but our computer crashed, and I didn't want to try to type it out from my phone. (That's right. I've finally been pulled kicking and screaming into the 21st century - I have a smart phone. It's like in the National Honor Society of phones. I'd be proud if I wasn't so darned intimidated. I don't know enough about these little devices to NOT imagine that it is like Robocop, scanning me for weaknesses and planning a revolution against humans.)

With my trusty keyboard and its comfortable familiarity on the fritz, I'm writing this from my phone. (Is your mind as blown as mine?) I wouldn't bother except that this really beautiful thing happened, and I just have to share it with you!

My husband has bipolar disorder, and every once in a while he has a manic cycle. It's like Ben x 10. He thinks fast, acts fast, talks fast. He's moving so fast that he can't think through his complex problems at work. He has taken the last month off work so that he could give his doc and his increased meds a chance to slow him back down to his normal speed. In that time, he's really argued with God about having the disorder in the first place. He finds it unfair that he has to struggle with this thing that he was simply born with. He's upset because when he's manic, he relates to his kids so easily, but he can't do his job. And when he's more leveled out, he finds it hard to interact with his kids, but he can ace every issue at work. He feels like he has to choose between playing with his kids and providing for kids. Very tough stuff to ponder.

I have tried to comfort him. I have prayed constantly for his heart, that God would calm his spirit and give him peace. I have prayed that God would protect his mind and his faith, that He would draw Ben close and confide in him and give him strength and security. I tried to explain away his illness by telling Ben that sometimes things happen that God desires and some things God allows and will heal later.

God brought Ben to a mountaintop (literally. Ben went hiking and brought his Bible, searching for truth and hope), and told him five incredible words -


Here I am trying to explain away his illness, trying to make excuses for God. And God answers - Trust me. This is part of the plan. And it's gonna be great.

We all have junk that we're dealing with that we just want to go away. Life is hard enough without all this extra crap piled on top. But we can't know what God is up to. We can just trust Him and hang on. The way Ben handles his disorder is admirable. He gives others with bipolar hope that they too will one day hold down a job and have a loving family to come home to. I don't know why he has to struggle so much, but I now know that it's in God's Hands.

And it's gonna be alright.

1 comment:

rad za said...

this is very inspirational. I am not born physically perfect and bad things have happened to me and my family so we are not doing so hot right now. Reading what you wrote just tells me there are reasons why god put me through so much crap lately.

If you have sometime can you stop by my blog and tell me ways to improve it. tq