“MOMMMM!”
“Poor baby. That congestion must be making it hard for you to sleep. Why else would you be waking up at 1am? Let me make a bottle for you and bring you to bed with me. Only this time, when you’re done with your bottle, but not yet asleep, I’m not going to just turn you over and let you sleep in between me and Ben. Nope, not tonight. Tonight, out of the blue and while you’re not feeling your best, I’m going to lay you back in your crib because my back is killing me, and I need to sleep the rest of the night without a certain little someone kicking me all night.”
15 minutes later –
“ok little man. You’re all done with the bottle. Wait just a minute. Remember, you’re going to your crib right now so mommy can get some good sleep. So stop flipping over. Sweetie, I said stop it. Listen, turning you over, standing up, and carrying you back to your room does not give you the right to kick my gut. Here’s your favorite blanket. Lay down now, and I’ll see you in the morning.”
2 minutes later –
“Jack. Why are you fussing? You’re going to wake up Josh, who is asleep on the floor without his pajama pants OR underwear for some reason. He must have wet himself and forgot to get dressed before falling asleep again. I’ll just put a blanket on him too. Ok, back to you. I’m going to need you to try to go to sleep. Here, I’ll pat your hiney for you. That always seems to calm you down. Wait, no. Don’t look up here. Keep your head down, silly. You can’t sleep when you’re doing push-ups. Mommy really needs to get back to bed. I think that’s enough patting. You can do the rest by yourself. Good night, sweet prince.”
4 minutes later –
“Ok FINE! Let’s try Mommy’s bed again, shall we?”
10 minutes later –
“Jaaaacccckkk! Go to sleep! Mommy is exhausted. And you don’t want Mommy to be exhausted tomorrow morning, now do you? Oh, you wouldn’t mind. Well that’s very selfish of you! We need to try your bed again, ok? This is driving Mommy just a little bit crazy.”
3 minutes later –
“I thought I told you to go to sleep. Do you want yet another bottle? Would a couple more ounces of that disgusting formula make you sleepy? Well, let’s just try, ok?”
7 minutes later –
“ok, ok! I get it. You don’t want any more formula. Who could blame you? But baby, I’m getting to my wits end here. You need to sleep. I need to sleep. End of story. I’m sure you’ll fall asleep soon enough. I’m going to lay you in your crib, close your door, close my door and turn OFF the baby monitor. That’s right. You heard me. I’m turning it off. It’s not like I really need it anyway. We’re only separated by one thin wall. I can hear you breathing in there whether I have it on or off. But maybe, just maybe, if all you want to do is coo and giggle and play for a little while before dozing off, I can let you, and in the meantime, I can actually be sleeping. Let’s try that.”
10 minutes later –
“Well, I was sleeping. Why’d you have to go and start wailing like that? Standing up against the side of the crib, banging your toys against the wall, making me think you’d fallen out or some other nonsense is not cute. It’s not funny. In fact, it’s downright mean. Don’t laugh at me. I am NOT amused. I am NOT happy to see you right now. Ok, that IS quite a cute smile, and I do like it when you giggle. Hold on just a sec.”
A sec later –
“Ok, do that again. I’ve got my phone here now, and I’m going to attempt to record that cute little laugh.”
1 minute later –
“FINE! You won’t go to sleep. You won’t laugh when you hear the little button start on the record feature on my phone. You won’t just sit and play and coo and be calm in your crib. I’m taking you to my bed One. More. Time, and you WILL fall asleep. Got it?!”
14 minutes later –
“JACK COHEN!!! I don’t like it when you grab my headboard and bang it against the wall. I don’t like it when you mount your dad and me while we’re trying to sleep so you can climb on us. I do NOT like it when you scratch my belly with your razor sharp little toenails when you stretch out and kick me in the gut! STOP IT! GO TO SLEEP!”
1 minute later –
“You had better not be looking at me with those puppy dog eyes. They are NOT going to work. Sure, you’re cute. But I’m too tired to fall for that again. Lay down that head and relax, child. Here, let me rub your back. No? Then let me pat your hiney. No?! THEN WHAT? What do you want from me???!!!!! Wanna try the bottle again? NO??! AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
5 minutes later –
“Ok, we obviously need a change of scenery. I didn’t want to do this. But we are going downstairs. I need a diet coke, a pastry of some kind, and Arrested Development. We are going to sit on the couch and veg out to the tv until you fall asleep.”
30 minutes later –
“See Mom, now that wasn’t so hard. It’s easiest for me to fall asleep while listening to your hilarious shows, catching in my mouth whatever crumbs fall from the chocolaty or flaky snack you have. It should be an Olympic sport because I’m the master. I'd make you proud. Get some good sleep, Mom. You’re going to need it!”
“ok, ok! I get it. You don’t want any more formula. Who could blame you? But baby, I’m getting to my wits end here. You need to sleep. I need to sleep. End of story. I’m sure you’ll fall asleep soon enough. I’m going to lay you in your crib, close your door, close my door and turn OFF the baby monitor. That’s right. You heard me. I’m turning it off. It’s not like I really need it anyway. We’re only separated by one thin wall. I can hear you breathing in there whether I have it on or off. But maybe, just maybe, if all you want to do is coo and giggle and play for a little while before dozing off, I can let you, and in the meantime, I can actually be sleeping. Let’s try that.”
10 minutes later –
“Well, I was sleeping. Why’d you have to go and start wailing like that? Standing up against the side of the crib, banging your toys against the wall, making me think you’d fallen out or some other nonsense is not cute. It’s not funny. In fact, it’s downright mean. Don’t laugh at me. I am NOT amused. I am NOT happy to see you right now. Ok, that IS quite a cute smile, and I do like it when you giggle. Hold on just a sec.”
A sec later –
“Ok, do that again. I’ve got my phone here now, and I’m going to attempt to record that cute little laugh.”
1 minute later –
“FINE! You won’t go to sleep. You won’t laugh when you hear the little button start on the record feature on my phone. You won’t just sit and play and coo and be calm in your crib. I’m taking you to my bed One. More. Time, and you WILL fall asleep. Got it?!”
14 minutes later –
“JACK COHEN!!! I don’t like it when you grab my headboard and bang it against the wall. I don’t like it when you mount your dad and me while we’re trying to sleep so you can climb on us. I do NOT like it when you scratch my belly with your razor sharp little toenails when you stretch out and kick me in the gut! STOP IT! GO TO SLEEP!”
1 minute later –
“You had better not be looking at me with those puppy dog eyes. They are NOT going to work. Sure, you’re cute. But I’m too tired to fall for that again. Lay down that head and relax, child. Here, let me rub your back. No? Then let me pat your hiney. No?! THEN WHAT? What do you want from me???!!!!! Wanna try the bottle again? NO??! AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
5 minutes later –
“Ok, we obviously need a change of scenery. I didn’t want to do this. But we are going downstairs. I need a diet coke, a pastry of some kind, and Arrested Development. We are going to sit on the couch and veg out to the tv until you fall asleep.”
30 minutes later –
“See Mom, now that wasn’t so hard. It’s easiest for me to fall asleep while listening to your hilarious shows, catching in my mouth whatever crumbs fall from the chocolaty or flaky snack you have. It should be an Olympic sport because I’m the master. I'd make you proud. Get some good sleep, Mom. You’re going to need it!”
