Lord knows I tried

All throughout my life, I tried many ways to gain happiness, success and love.

I tried stalking it.
I tried ignoring it, hoping it when come running to me.
I tried acting like I didn’t need it.
I tried to strike when it wasn’t looking, ready to take it hostage to make it my prisoner.
I tried being liberal.
I tried being conservative.
I tried restraining my urges.
I tried giving free reign to those urges.
I tried magic.
I tried logic.
I tried to be a pessimist.
I tried to be an optimist.
I tried being a wallflower.
I tried being the life of the party.
I tried medication, counseling and residential treatment centers.
I tried making good grades.
I tried cheating to achieve those grades.
I tried being skinny.
I tried being fat.
I tried boys.
I tried girls.
I tried sex, drugs and rock n roll.
I tried tattoos and body piercings.
I tried drinking and self injury.
I tried sobriety.
I tried being the victim.
I tried being the survivor.

At one point, I got tired of trying without any success, so I also tried death. When even that didn’t work, I finally gritted my teeth and tried the one thing I was least willing to try – a relationship with God.

I wanted to try religion less than I wanted to give up and die. I didn’t see why I should give God, if He actually existed, a chance after all the pain I’d been through. I figured that if there was a God, and if He was all-powerful like I’d heard He was, then He was a major jerk for allowing me to struggle so much, grasping at all those straws for a basic contentment with my life. But I was curious to see what He would do if I gave Him my life. I had failed so miserably, it’s not like He could have done worse. I decided to try to play by His rules, and I discovered, with much shock and relief, that those “rules” were there to help me. It was revealed to me that God isn’t a sadistic jerk, but rather a Father who loves His children with everything He is and that He will stop at nothing to reveal that Love to them. He gives His all, the least I could do was give Him a chance.

Thank you Lord for being who you are. For loving me. For saving me. For helping me realize that life isn’t about being successful and happy, it’s about being loved. When you’re that loved, you can’t help but be joyful, and success becomes playing a part in helping others realize this great love is meant for them too.