Thursday, July 10, 2008

and how does that make you feeeel?

I'm seeing a counselor today for the first time in a LONG time. I've got one of those just-beneath-the-surface struggles that I always avoid treating. Everytime I've ever tried to fix it, I end up screaming and running far, far away. Scares the tar-nation out of me to discuss it or work on it. But I sooooo need to get it out of my system.

Let's just say - stay pure before marriage, folks. That stuff haunts you like death.

Plus, the preggy hormones have recently destroyed my ability to pick my battles better with my spouse. Poor guy. Just like with other couples, there are little things that get on my nerves about my hubby, but because they are little things, I don't bother with them. I might mention it once or roll my eyes ONCE, but I don't turn it into a big deal. I have learned where I need to back off and where I need to step up and confront those absolutely-can't-ignore issues. But for the last two weeks, everything has been on the table. And I'm flipping over that table and letting them crash to the floor and shatter into many, many pieces. It's hard. I wish whatever hijacked my brain recently would just go away. And it's weird because I can be on the inside watching this maniac say the most offensive things and want to stop her, but I can't. Until it's too late, that is. But thanks to the mercy of God, I have a husband who forgives like he breathes - it seems effortless and automatic. I know it's not, but he makes it seem like it is. I've never met anyone in this world who can do that better than Ben. I am very, very blessed.

So that's my drama right now. I'm mostly just getting it out there so that other pregnant mommies won't feel so alien in their own bodies. It happens. It's only for a season. Tell your sweetie to take what you say with a grain of salt. And I mentioned the counseling so that there will be a bit of accountability out there in the universe for me to fall back on when I feel the urge to run as fast as I can away from the potential that is available if I just commit to the work that will need to be done to get better. I'm scared, but if I can get even a little bit better, it'll be worth it to plant my feet, grit my teeth and 'bare' it.

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