Cha-cha-cha-cha Changes

Sooooo. I'm a week away from knowing whether we're having a Jack or a Claire. I'm super excited about that. What a change that will be! Three kiddos. Once they outnumber your arms, you know you're in trouble.

And what's nuts is that I'm already thinking about adoption. I've always wanted four kids, and I don't know whether my uterus will cooperate again. Plus, wouldn't it just be incredible to be a forever family to a little kid who otherwise would get lost in the masses? I don't just want to look at all these fatherless and motherless kids and define them as orphans. I want to be able to say, "That's Tommy over here. He's 3 and loves trains and wants to be a veternarian someday. And that's Emi. She's 5 and wants to dance in a ballet. Her favorite food is speghetti and her favorite color is pink."

Wouldn't that be awesome? Of course, knowing me, I might not stop once I got started. I don't imagine it's easy to arrive at an orphange to pick up your child and see all those other faces staring back at you. I can just see me saying, "I'll take the lot."

There's another change in our household. I have decided after many tears and feelings of failure that I am not currently cut out to be a homeschool mom. It breaks my heart because I'm realizing that I can't be everything to everyone. That's a bitter pill to swallow. But I'm not selfish and prideful enough to sacrifice my kiddos' education just because I really WANT to be that mommy who is endlessly creative and patient and encouraging. And consistant. That's the clincher for me. More often than not, dishes are piled up in my sink and the laundry is piled up in the hampers. I'm not consistant about my household chores, and I'm not consistant with our homeschooling. I'm excellent at being that mom that teaches when an opportunity presents itself. When we're working out in the backyard, I am always talking about how the flowers and trees get water from the ground and sunlight and make their own food. And how worms burrow in the ground to keep cool. and how birds' nest are made and what they're used for. I'm great at lying on the grass and pointing out different types of clouds and constellations. I'm great at driving somewhere and getting the kids to play the alphabet game or count by 10s, 5s and 2s.

but I am not good at sitting down and working in workbooks or going over handwriting and phonics and all that. I'm good at handing my daughter a little purse with a bunch of coins in it every once in a while and making a shop for her to buy stuff at. "do you have enough for this? do i owe you change? do you have anything left? how much more would you need to buy this item?" But the important phrase there is every once in a while. I am not consistant about anything, and I can't let my kiddos suffer because of it.

Now I will help out in their classrooms if I can. I will chaperone field trips and be a member of the PTA and a room mom and all that jazz. I will eagerly help them with their homework and help them become critical thinkers when their teachers or peers are saying something that we don't agree with.

We registered my daughter for kindergarten. She will start this fall. She was practically clawing at the car door when we pulled up to the school. She's such a trooper. She is very, very excited. And I'm excited that she's excited. She'll likely be the oldest kid in her class - she turns 6 just a few weeks after she starts - and because we have actually worked on some things, she'll probably have an advantage. I think her early successes will give her the confidence to keep trying. I think seeing her peers struggle with the same things she struggles with will help too. Right now, we mostly struggle with handwriting. It doesn't come as easily to her as most other things. I imagine that once she sees other kids her age having to work harder at it too, she'll try harder.

so that's a BIG change for us. But I think it's probaby the best decision for us right now. I think that homeschooling would probably give her a better education, but she would need a different teacher than myself. It's painful to say that, but I now realize that it's true. I do feel like a failure in a sense, but if my kids turn out to be capable adults, then I will feel like I had succeeded. And you never know - there are a lot of options out there. We might eventually go back to homeschooling. We might find ourselves a happy mix of homeschooling and public schooling. I don't know. What I do know is that I will definitely be praying for my kids and their teachers each and every year.

Ok, one more change. Not such a big one as adding to one's family, adopting sweet amazing children or entering the public school system. But for me it feels like a big change. I mentioned before that I had cut my hair because I was feeling a bit like a buffalo. Well, the buffalo is no more. In fact, I feel a bit like a sheered sheep. I have very little hair left compared to the mounds and mounds I had before. So without further ado, here's a pic.