There's this cartoon that I saw when I was in junior high school. It has these two turtles. One says to the other, "When I get to Heaven, first thing I'm going to do is ask God why there is so much pain and suffering in the world." The other turtle shakes his head and says, "Not me. I'm afraid He'll ask me the same question."
I just don't want to be complacent. I don't want to look the other way anymore. I know I need to wait, ask God for confirmation, wait some more, prepare for whatever God could ask (study scripture), and wait some more. I will and have been. But in the meantime, I don't see how I can ignore all this. I am not a Savior and cannot save the world. But I can make myself available to God for Him to use me to make some dents. It's those little dents that I think my life consists of right now - which is awesome. I am so grateful for all God has done for me and want to thank Him. I very much enjoy my life. I just don't want to enjoy it so much that I become blind as to why I'm here. I'm not worried that God won't use me. He uses me everyday in the lives of my husband and my children. I just don't see why I couldn't do more. That's all. Maybe it is because I'm young. Or maybe the Holy Spirit is making my heart restless. Whatever it is, I am ready!
And I’m starting to question the home schooling vs. public schooling issue again. A lady recently told me that she home schooled because she didn't give a hoot whether her sons could add 2 and 2. She wanted to raise Godly men. What an attitude!!!! I loved hearing that point of view. When I mentioned my fear of taking the 'light' out of the public schools, she politely pointed out that she has seen more good kids follow the bad than bad follow the good. Especially young school aged kids that need peer acceptance and desire to avoid being different. If I, as a mommy, could choose whether my kids were the same and accepted or different and shunned, of course, I’d choose for them to be different. Because you can't make a difference if you yourself aren't different. But as a child, I remembered being devastated that I wasn't accepted by my peers, and it affected my self image in very negative ways. And I didn't have the knowledge of my image in God's eyes. My kids will, but I still fear those things. I’ve been looking forward to my kids going to public school for a few years now. I’ve wanted some uninterrupted time to myself to work on my writing and photography or just nap if I wanted. but I also realize that when they get older, old enough for school, that they won't be so clingy and will spend a good part of their day doing school work whether I’m in their presence or not. And I will have my uninterrupted time regardless. So I’m trying to figure out what I should do. I’m praying about it.
Sometimes I worry that I will miss my calling, but then I remember that if God wants it done, it WILL be done, in spite of the person whom He will do it through! What a comfort to my spirit!
I agree that God needs people to live ordinary lives in order to accomplish His plan. And I know that I don't need to leave the country and clean the wounds of lepers in order to feel semi-satisfied with my level of service to the Lord. I just fear becoming complacent to the need of the world. I don't ever want to "put a bag over my head" and not notice that there are more painful things in the world besides gas prices (ouch!). I don't ever want to have so much noise in my life that I can't hear those little cries for help.
And I'm not being hard on myself. I love what I do and feel like I'm doing the right thing on a day by day basis. (for the most part - if only I could control my rage!!!!!) I just think I can do more. I don't see why I couldn't or shouldn't. I'm just thinking it's possible that Jesus meant what He said - ALL of it!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
it's official
It's official: my 20s are over! I'm excited about this new decade and look forward to old age when my mind goes and any memory of the first half of my 20s fades into nothing. That'll be sweet! Or will it? Maybe I won't remember. That'll be ok too.
Ben got me 'the irresistible revolution' by Shane Claiborne for my birthday. I can't put it down. It's one of those books where if you highlighted all the essential stuff, it would glow! I am thrilled to finally hear a voice that is boldly confronting the things I've noticed but had gotten nasty looks for mentioning. I've always considered myself an extremist - always taking things WAY farther than any of my friends. In particular - drugs, sex, and rock n roll. But now I'm doing the same thing with Christianity. Which would be nice if my Christian friends didn't get uncomfortable when I spoke? Especially in the church, I have been told that God 'wants' us to enjoy His blessings (which is true) and that buying a big screen TV is a-ok with Him. I just can't justify spending money on something so extravagant and unnecessary when mothers around the world can't provide their children with clean drinking water and regular meals or shelter. Why are we given those blessings? For our own pleasure? Or are they to equip us to further His plan? I like buying the latest fashions just like the next lady, but when I think about the people who have only one outfit or none to speak of; I find it very difficult to splurge like that. I know God wants us to enjoy our life and not take it so seriously all the time, but I think our church life is way too laidback and unapologetic about the excess they 'enjoy.' I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out a way to earn money for our family so Ben won't be so stressed, and we can finally get into a house. But I struggle inwardly with it. I hope that I will find a way to reconcile my desire for the American dream with the awareness of all the NEED in the world. I want to use God's blessings to me to show the world how good God is and why they need Him. I have such a desire to be on the front lines - immersed in the daily struggles they endure - helping them through it - offering good news of hope and restoration. I've lived homeless among the poor. Granted for only a small time, but it was the most wonderful opportunity to see that I AM needed and CAN help the helpless.
I love being a mommy and a wife, but fear my children will never know need. I don't want them to suffer, but I do want them to see that there's more to life than who will be the next American Idol and whether to wear black or blue jeans on Friday! I want them to see that their existence isn't just about them. It's about being available and ready for God's call on their life.
A lot of the comments I hear from my discussions with Christians about God reveals to me that they only know about the New Testament God, as if when the new covenant was introduced, God softened, loved more, changed. I believe that the God of the Old Testament is the same God of today and has the same desires for the world and its people. All of the rules He established so long ago are still His desire, His ideal and His will. When Jesus died and rose again, we were given the opportunity to be free of the consequences of disobeying the old law if we believed in Him and in the fact that His suffering and death on the cross paid those consequences for us. It's as if we stole from the store, and Jesus stepped up and said 'Take me to jail instead.' It's as if we killed our brother and Jesus stepped up and said 'I will pay the death penalty for him/her instead.' He didn't commit the crime, but He paid for it out of love and obedience to His Father. He paid for all of our crimes, our sins, and He definitely didn't deserve it. For the most part, we have rejected His payment. We have rejected His love, His gift. Or at the very least, we have from time to time taken it for granted and allowed self-absorption to dictate our lives rather than devote our lives to Him as a thank you. How can you not want to thank Him? We love (action - not ooey gooey feelings) because He first loved us.
That's why the current society and some of the church's standards leave me so unsatisfied. I just want to do more. Jesus has given me such an opportunity to live for Him. He came to the earth as flesh and not only taught us what to do; He showed us what to do. And He died so that we could do it. Why wouldn't we? What's standing in our way? Our own lives? They're not even ours. Christ paid for them. They are HIS! And we are standing in His way. He can't use us the way He wants if we're too busy driving kids to soccer practice and dance recitals and scarfing frappaccinos and being blinded by the culture.
Ben got me 'the irresistible revolution' by Shane Claiborne for my birthday. I can't put it down. It's one of those books where if you highlighted all the essential stuff, it would glow! I am thrilled to finally hear a voice that is boldly confronting the things I've noticed but had gotten nasty looks for mentioning. I've always considered myself an extremist - always taking things WAY farther than any of my friends. In particular - drugs, sex, and rock n roll. But now I'm doing the same thing with Christianity. Which would be nice if my Christian friends didn't get uncomfortable when I spoke? Especially in the church, I have been told that God 'wants' us to enjoy His blessings (which is true) and that buying a big screen TV is a-ok with Him. I just can't justify spending money on something so extravagant and unnecessary when mothers around the world can't provide their children with clean drinking water and regular meals or shelter. Why are we given those blessings? For our own pleasure? Or are they to equip us to further His plan? I like buying the latest fashions just like the next lady, but when I think about the people who have only one outfit or none to speak of; I find it very difficult to splurge like that. I know God wants us to enjoy our life and not take it so seriously all the time, but I think our church life is way too laidback and unapologetic about the excess they 'enjoy.' I spend a lot of my time trying to figure out a way to earn money for our family so Ben won't be so stressed, and we can finally get into a house. But I struggle inwardly with it. I hope that I will find a way to reconcile my desire for the American dream with the awareness of all the NEED in the world. I want to use God's blessings to me to show the world how good God is and why they need Him. I have such a desire to be on the front lines - immersed in the daily struggles they endure - helping them through it - offering good news of hope and restoration. I've lived homeless among the poor. Granted for only a small time, but it was the most wonderful opportunity to see that I AM needed and CAN help the helpless.
I love being a mommy and a wife, but fear my children will never know need. I don't want them to suffer, but I do want them to see that there's more to life than who will be the next American Idol and whether to wear black or blue jeans on Friday! I want them to see that their existence isn't just about them. It's about being available and ready for God's call on their life.
A lot of the comments I hear from my discussions with Christians about God reveals to me that they only know about the New Testament God, as if when the new covenant was introduced, God softened, loved more, changed. I believe that the God of the Old Testament is the same God of today and has the same desires for the world and its people. All of the rules He established so long ago are still His desire, His ideal and His will. When Jesus died and rose again, we were given the opportunity to be free of the consequences of disobeying the old law if we believed in Him and in the fact that His suffering and death on the cross paid those consequences for us. It's as if we stole from the store, and Jesus stepped up and said 'Take me to jail instead.' It's as if we killed our brother and Jesus stepped up and said 'I will pay the death penalty for him/her instead.' He didn't commit the crime, but He paid for it out of love and obedience to His Father. He paid for all of our crimes, our sins, and He definitely didn't deserve it. For the most part, we have rejected His payment. We have rejected His love, His gift. Or at the very least, we have from time to time taken it for granted and allowed self-absorption to dictate our lives rather than devote our lives to Him as a thank you. How can you not want to thank Him? We love (action - not ooey gooey feelings) because He first loved us.
That's why the current society and some of the church's standards leave me so unsatisfied. I just want to do more. Jesus has given me such an opportunity to live for Him. He came to the earth as flesh and not only taught us what to do; He showed us what to do. And He died so that we could do it. Why wouldn't we? What's standing in our way? Our own lives? They're not even ours. Christ paid for them. They are HIS! And we are standing in His way. He can't use us the way He wants if we're too busy driving kids to soccer practice and dance recitals and scarfing frappaccinos and being blinded by the culture.
I am desperate to die to myself and make my life available to Jesus - for Him to use me to accomplish His Father's will. I am tired of pretending that my shallow version of Christianity which allows for so much ME time is what Jesus really wants. Jesus said that when He died and rose into heaven and the Holy Spirit came into our lives, that we would do the same things as He did and even greater things. I don't know many people who are doing 'greater things' or even any opportunities in the church for us to do these kinds of things. Sure we can give Christmas presents to families that don't have enough money for gifts for their kiddos, but is that really solving their money problems? Sure we can donate clothes to goodwill or the Salvation Army, but the poorest of the poor can't afford to go to goodwill and buy those clothes. And I don't feel right donating money to World Vision (although I still do) in order for 10-20 African children to have a meal or two while I continue to sit in my air conditioned house with a pantry filled to the brim with food I will likely have to throw out when the expiration date comes and goes. All of these things are wonderful and needed, but how effective are they at changing these people's lives?
I don't want to change the whole world. Well, I do, but I know that I can't and that I'm not expected to. But just like that little boy that threw beached starfish back into the ocean as thousands kept washing onto shore, at least it would make a difference to those few I could help. God doesn't ask us to succeed, but He does ask us to try.
I'm tired of good intentions with no action. Good intentions don't make me an effective Christian. I'm tired of being on fire for the Lord one moment and then falling back into my self-absorbed routines the next. And what kind of action could I take that would have a lasting effect with a husband and two small children? I don't think I can just run off to Calcutta or Africa or China or Israel with a family. Do I really even have to leave the States in order to have a lasting effect? How can I think smaller than 'world peace' and retain my passion? Instead of giving a few people fish, I want to teach them to make their own way. Who could I do this for? What would they need essentially to thrive for generations? How could I teach them to continually gain this need for themselves?
any thoughts?
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
recent revelations
I have recently discovered, much to my embarrassment and disgust, that I have been having a one sided conversation with God for quite some time now. It’s as if I have been posting on God’s bulletin board without leaving any return email address. Like I’ve been saying “amen” and then slamming my fists into my ears.
How pathetic.
And it happened without my awareness. That terrifies me. It makes me wonder what else I am blinded to that desperately needs my attention, and what will have to happen to bring it to my attention?
But then I start to wonder if I really ever let God speak to me. Ever. Or have I always treated the Lord of the Universe, my Creator like a genie in a bottle, simply bringing my requests to Him? I nearly always remember to thank Him after an answered prayer, and I jabber a lot of the time to Him, just sharing my thoughts and confusions and revelations. I even ask a lot of questions. But then I don’t go searching for the answers or give God any opportunity to answer. What have I been missing out on that He’s wanted to share with me?
I truly do want to know His will so that I can set my desires and course of action on what pleases Him. I want to know that what I am doing is what God wants me to do. I am desperate for that certainty.
Right now, I feel lost and unfocused with all my passions and energy. I have many things in my life that I consider gifts from God, things that I do well and enjoy doing. But I have no idea what to do with them because I have never honestly asked God what He wants me to do with them. Did God give them to me to enjoy and use for my own pleasures and advancement? Or is there a well-thought-out plan in which I am supposed to be a part that will accomplish a desire of God’s? Of course there is no question in my mind.
I’m also starting to figure out that I have very little actual faith. If all that is required is a mustard seed amount to move a mountain, then what is smaller than a mustard seed? That’s what I have. I can honestly say, frightening as this is, that I have no faith that I could ask God to enable me to move a mountain. Why not? Has He ever let me down? Has He ever once proven Himself to be incapable of such an act? No, of course not. But in my asking Him for the ability to move a literal mountain, I fear I am trying to make Him prove Himself somehow. Why else would I ask something so random and seemingly unnecessary? Unless my dear children were trapped underneath a mountain, I have no need to move one. So the thought of asking God to enable me to do something that BIG seems crazy.
I realize that He’s not asking me to move a mountain, but I haven’t given Him an opportunity to tell me what He is expecting of me. I fear that what He will ask of me will seem as impossible to do as moving a mountain, and that I will be rendered useless because of doubt. I realize that I am inadequate to do anything worthwhile for God without Him, and that all I have to offer is my obedient willingness and my life. I want to give those things freely without hesitation or bounds. God always uses ordinary people in extraordinary ways. I desire to be of service, to witness firsthand the incomparable mighty power of God. I want the courage to do whatever is asked of me. I want Him to choose me because it would be an honor to serve in His purpose.
I know He will soon use me in a way that I could never have imagined. I won’t be able to force it or conjure it up myself and that’s how I will know it is from God. I know I have to be listening, emerged in His Word, and available. Perhaps He is ready and waiting on me to listen. Perhaps I’ve already missed many opportunities to serve His purpose because I was too busy talking and didn’t notice His gentle nod.
I’m not entirely sure how to stay anchored in His Word or how to know His will. I know I have to read my Bible more and meditate on it day and night. I know I have to ask Him to refine my will to His. I know I have to admit my weakness of not being able to listen without speaking and ask for help in that area. I know I have to ask for God to reveal His will to me in a way that I can not mistake it for my own. And I know I have to ask for the courage and ability to obey.
And I intend to do all of this right away.
How pathetic.
And it happened without my awareness. That terrifies me. It makes me wonder what else I am blinded to that desperately needs my attention, and what will have to happen to bring it to my attention?
But then I start to wonder if I really ever let God speak to me. Ever. Or have I always treated the Lord of the Universe, my Creator like a genie in a bottle, simply bringing my requests to Him? I nearly always remember to thank Him after an answered prayer, and I jabber a lot of the time to Him, just sharing my thoughts and confusions and revelations. I even ask a lot of questions. But then I don’t go searching for the answers or give God any opportunity to answer. What have I been missing out on that He’s wanted to share with me?
I truly do want to know His will so that I can set my desires and course of action on what pleases Him. I want to know that what I am doing is what God wants me to do. I am desperate for that certainty.
Right now, I feel lost and unfocused with all my passions and energy. I have many things in my life that I consider gifts from God, things that I do well and enjoy doing. But I have no idea what to do with them because I have never honestly asked God what He wants me to do with them. Did God give them to me to enjoy and use for my own pleasures and advancement? Or is there a well-thought-out plan in which I am supposed to be a part that will accomplish a desire of God’s? Of course there is no question in my mind.
I’m also starting to figure out that I have very little actual faith. If all that is required is a mustard seed amount to move a mountain, then what is smaller than a mustard seed? That’s what I have. I can honestly say, frightening as this is, that I have no faith that I could ask God to enable me to move a mountain. Why not? Has He ever let me down? Has He ever once proven Himself to be incapable of such an act? No, of course not. But in my asking Him for the ability to move a literal mountain, I fear I am trying to make Him prove Himself somehow. Why else would I ask something so random and seemingly unnecessary? Unless my dear children were trapped underneath a mountain, I have no need to move one. So the thought of asking God to enable me to do something that BIG seems crazy.
I realize that He’s not asking me to move a mountain, but I haven’t given Him an opportunity to tell me what He is expecting of me. I fear that what He will ask of me will seem as impossible to do as moving a mountain, and that I will be rendered useless because of doubt. I realize that I am inadequate to do anything worthwhile for God without Him, and that all I have to offer is my obedient willingness and my life. I want to give those things freely without hesitation or bounds. God always uses ordinary people in extraordinary ways. I desire to be of service, to witness firsthand the incomparable mighty power of God. I want the courage to do whatever is asked of me. I want Him to choose me because it would be an honor to serve in His purpose.
I know He will soon use me in a way that I could never have imagined. I won’t be able to force it or conjure it up myself and that’s how I will know it is from God. I know I have to be listening, emerged in His Word, and available. Perhaps He is ready and waiting on me to listen. Perhaps I’ve already missed many opportunities to serve His purpose because I was too busy talking and didn’t notice His gentle nod.
I’m not entirely sure how to stay anchored in His Word or how to know His will. I know I have to read my Bible more and meditate on it day and night. I know I have to ask Him to refine my will to His. I know I have to admit my weakness of not being able to listen without speaking and ask for help in that area. I know I have to ask for God to reveal His will to me in a way that I can not mistake it for my own. And I know I have to ask for the courage and ability to obey.
And I intend to do all of this right away.
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