There's this cartoon that I saw when I was in junior high school. It has these two turtles. One says to the other, "When I get to Heaven, first thing I'm going to do is ask God why there is so much pain and suffering in the world." The other turtle shakes his head and says, "Not me. I'm afraid He'll ask me the same question."
I just don't want to be complacent. I don't want to look the other way anymore. I know I need to wait, ask God for confirmation, wait some more, prepare for whatever God could ask (study scripture), and wait some more. I will and have been. But in the meantime, I don't see how I can ignore all this. I am not a Savior and cannot save the world. But I can make myself available to God for Him to use me to make some dents. It's those little dents that I think my life consists of right now - which is awesome. I am so grateful for all God has done for me and want to thank Him. I very much enjoy my life. I just don't want to enjoy it so much that I become blind as to why I'm here. I'm not worried that God won't use me. He uses me everyday in the lives of my husband and my children. I just don't see why I couldn't do more. That's all. Maybe it is because I'm young. Or maybe the Holy Spirit is making my heart restless. Whatever it is, I am ready!
And I’m starting to question the home schooling vs. public schooling issue again. A lady recently told me that she home schooled because she didn't give a hoot whether her sons could add 2 and 2. She wanted to raise Godly men. What an attitude!!!! I loved hearing that point of view. When I mentioned my fear of taking the 'light' out of the public schools, she politely pointed out that she has seen more good kids follow the bad than bad follow the good. Especially young school aged kids that need peer acceptance and desire to avoid being different. If I, as a mommy, could choose whether my kids were the same and accepted or different and shunned, of course, I’d choose for them to be different. Because you can't make a difference if you yourself aren't different. But as a child, I remembered being devastated that I wasn't accepted by my peers, and it affected my self image in very negative ways. And I didn't have the knowledge of my image in God's eyes. My kids will, but I still fear those things. I’ve been looking forward to my kids going to public school for a few years now. I’ve wanted some uninterrupted time to myself to work on my writing and photography or just nap if I wanted. but I also realize that when they get older, old enough for school, that they won't be so clingy and will spend a good part of their day doing school work whether I’m in their presence or not. And I will have my uninterrupted time regardless. So I’m trying to figure out what I should do. I’m praying about it.
Sometimes I worry that I will miss my calling, but then I remember that if God wants it done, it WILL be done, in spite of the person whom He will do it through! What a comfort to my spirit!
I agree that God needs people to live ordinary lives in order to accomplish His plan. And I know that I don't need to leave the country and clean the wounds of lepers in order to feel semi-satisfied with my level of service to the Lord. I just fear becoming complacent to the need of the world. I don't ever want to "put a bag over my head" and not notice that there are more painful things in the world besides gas prices (ouch!). I don't ever want to have so much noise in my life that I can't hear those little cries for help.
And I'm not being hard on myself. I love what I do and feel like I'm doing the right thing on a day by day basis. (for the most part - if only I could control my rage!!!!!) I just think I can do more. I don't see why I couldn't or shouldn't. I'm just thinking it's possible that Jesus meant what He said - ALL of it!