Tuesday, April 11, 2006

recent revelations

I have recently discovered, much to my embarrassment and disgust, that I have been having a one sided conversation with God for quite some time now. It’s as if I have been posting on God’s bulletin board without leaving any return email address. Like I’ve been saying “amen” and then slamming my fists into my ears.

How pathetic.

And it happened without my awareness. That terrifies me. It makes me wonder what else I am blinded to that desperately needs my attention, and what will have to happen to bring it to my attention?

But then I start to wonder if I really ever let God speak to me. Ever. Or have I always treated the Lord of the Universe, my Creator like a genie in a bottle, simply bringing my requests to Him? I nearly always remember to thank Him after an answered prayer, and I jabber a lot of the time to Him, just sharing my thoughts and confusions and revelations. I even ask a lot of questions. But then I don’t go searching for the answers or give God any opportunity to answer. What have I been missing out on that He’s wanted to share with me?

I truly do want to know His will so that I can set my desires and course of action on what pleases Him. I want to know that what I am doing is what God wants me to do. I am desperate for that certainty.

Right now, I feel lost and unfocused with all my passions and energy. I have many things in my life that I consider gifts from God, things that I do well and enjoy doing. But I have no idea what to do with them because I have never honestly asked God what He wants me to do with them. Did God give them to me to enjoy and use for my own pleasures and advancement? Or is there a well-thought-out plan in which I am supposed to be a part that will accomplish a desire of God’s? Of course there is no question in my mind.

I’m also starting to figure out that I have very little actual faith. If all that is required is a mustard seed amount to move a mountain, then what is smaller than a mustard seed? That’s what I have. I can honestly say, frightening as this is, that I have no faith that I could ask God to enable me to move a mountain. Why not? Has He ever let me down? Has He ever once proven Himself to be incapable of such an act? No, of course not. But in my asking Him for the ability to move a literal mountain, I fear I am trying to make Him prove Himself somehow. Why else would I ask something so random and seemingly unnecessary? Unless my dear children were trapped underneath a mountain, I have no need to move one. So the thought of asking God to enable me to do something that BIG seems crazy.

I realize that He’s not asking me to move a mountain, but I haven’t given Him an opportunity to tell me what He is expecting of me. I fear that what He will ask of me will seem as impossible to do as moving a mountain, and that I will be rendered useless because of doubt. I realize that I am inadequate to do anything worthwhile for God without Him, and that all I have to offer is my obedient willingness and my life. I want to give those things freely without hesitation or bounds. God always uses ordinary people in extraordinary ways. I desire to be of service, to witness firsthand the incomparable mighty power of God. I want the courage to do whatever is asked of me. I want Him to choose me because it would be an honor to serve in His purpose.

I know He will soon use me in a way that I could never have imagined. I won’t be able to force it or conjure it up myself and that’s how I will know it is from God. I know I have to be listening, emerged in His Word, and available. Perhaps He is ready and waiting on me to listen. Perhaps I’ve already missed many opportunities to serve His purpose because I was too busy talking and didn’t notice His gentle nod.

I’m not entirely sure how to stay anchored in His Word or how to know His will. I know I have to read my Bible more and meditate on it day and night. I know I have to ask Him to refine my will to His. I know I have to admit my weakness of not being able to listen without speaking and ask for help in that area. I know I have to ask for God to reveal His will to me in a way that I can not mistake it for my own. And I know I have to ask for the courage and ability to obey.

And I intend to do all of this right away.

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