I truly, TRULY wish God would just take over sometimes. I'm not being global here; I mean I wish he would shut me down and just take complete control over me. This Free Will stuff and me don't mix well because I am screwing up left and right over here. If there is a thousand steps to something, God will take 999 and expect me to take that last one, and I'm not even doing THAT right!
I know He's not going to take over. No matter how much I beg. But I found myself praying over and over again last night that I NEED Him, that everytime I try to do something these days, I end up with a huge heap of crap. I am not enough for this. I NEED Him. I Can Not do this on my own.
I'm not saying that I want God to do it all because I'm lazy and don't want to do anything. I've been trying to do plenty! I've been working and working, but because I've been trying to do it on my own, I have no doubt now that I simply CAN'T . I need help. Badly. I keep making this worse.
After praying last night, I had a dream that we had a lion in our backyard. (Having a daughter who is obsessed with lions, I can't believe this is the first lion dream I've ever had, but it is!) It wasn't our pet or anything. We didn't keep it there, but we weren't doing anything to make it leave either. He was super gentle with the kids; they loved him. I would walk outside and see one of my kids asleep, snuggled up into the lion's mane. Then one day, I walked out there, and the lion ran at me and threw its arms up over my shoulders and STARED into my eyes. He was huffing and puffing, and I knew that it wouldn't take much for him to kill me. It reminded me of a passage from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. (Weird, we talked about this exact quote at church this past Sunday. Maybe God's trying to tell me something.)
Lucy and Susan are talking with the Beavers about Aslan before they meet him.
Mrs. Beaver: "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else silly."
Lucy: "Is he...safe?"
Mr. Beaver: "Safe? Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Of course he isn't safe. But...he's GOOD. He's the King."
CS Lewis had it right when He didn't hold back that following God doesn't have to be safe. In fact, it most likely won't be. I think this is why I've been resisting listening to Him, seeking out His Will. I've just been spouting off to Him about how He should help me do things MY way. I've only been asking Him to help me with my own ideas, instead of asking Him for His. I've been begging Him to let me curl up in my lap so that He can soothe me and give me peace, but I have neglected to offer Him my heart or my service.
But He is good. And although He might lead me somewhere that isn't safe, He will be with me and so I shouldn't be afraid of that. The only thing I should be afraid of is losing that communion with Him that I so desperately want.
I need to stop expecting Him to 'fix' this situation the way I want it fixed and just let Him work on my heart and go wherever He asks me to, doing whatever He asks me to.
Easier said than done, I know. Boy, do I know.