Before and After

Aahh. Now that's better. Our backyard still needs a lot of work, but this is definitely a step in the right direction. I also pulled weeds in our front yard and mowed it too. I enjoy mowing, always have. I do not, however, like pulling weeds. yuck. We have soooo many birds in our yard this morning. They're so happy they can see the ground again.

Our yard's not the only thing that got cut yesterday. Last night, in an attempt to stay cooler this summer while pregnant, I cut off 4-5 inches of my hair. It's still below my shoulders, but it might not stay that way for long. I have a style in mind, but I just couldn't wait any longer for a haircut appointment and had to get some of that heat-absorbing length off. I also moved our little fan to my nightstand instead of all the way across the room on the dresser. And I was still burning up! You'd think that the little person being formed in my 98.6 degree womb would be warmer than mom, but I'm starting to think it's not possible.

It's nice and overcast today, we the kids and I might do our school work out there this morning. After we make these really cute rainbow swirly cookies that I found a recipe for while looking for kids' crafts. yum.

Overgrown weeds and payback

Maintaining a backyard is way harder than I had originally imagined. I had no idea that all those gorgeous yards that I’d seen all my life took so much work. Makes me have a real appreciation for gardeners.

First off, we moved here at the end of winter. Everything was crusty and/or hibernating. I had no idea what we were working with, so I left it all alone. Then it got warmer. And greener. And since I have never had a yard, I didn’t know what was plants and what was weeds or whether I needed to be putting some sort of solution on the ground. It was all green so I left it all alone. Then it started getting really overgrown. Like I couldn’t see the kids anymore when they were in the yard. (Well, not that bad, but nearly.) Ben got a lawnmower, put it together and mowed our front lawn. No longer could our neighbors’ yards harass our poor, neglected yard. I can tell that our yard likes us a lot more now.

Secondly, because I had left all the weeds alone, they took over. I went out there one afternoon and dug up dead plants and tried to uproot the weeds. I was out there for a good 5 hours straight and barely made a dent. When I say taken over, I mean it. The roots were so strong that regardless of what I did do to the small amount of ground I was able to cover, it didn’t really matter. They were just going to grow back. So I bought some weed killer for the types of weeds we have and sprayed it everywhere I could see weeds. The next day we woke up to the sight of bent over dandelions, dried up crabgrass and wilted clover. Niiice. But if you look in our backyard, it still looks like poop because we haven’t yet mowed out there. There’s a padlock on the fence leading from the front yard to the back, and the people who we’re renting from don’t have the key. Ben’s going to try to get some bolt cutters today, so we can get our lawnmower out there and make a real difference. Then I’ll be able to see what weeds I killed and which ones I missed. What a chore! I’m hoping that once I train my yard to do what I want, that keeping it that way will be much easier.

Another thing the kids don’t particularly like is all the bugs. I have told them that when they play outside, they are playing in the bugs’ world, that that’s where God made them to live. So if they want to play outside, they’re going to have to deal with ants and rollie-polies and spiders and flies.

I changed my ‘live and let live’ approach to bugs the other day though when I lifted our patio umbrella so that we could have lunch under it, and a wasp flew out. He had built himself a little nest in there. So this morning, I did battle (and won) with what turned out to be a yellow jacket. Without opening the umbrella, I took a bat to it in several places where I thought the house might be. Poor thing fell out, stunned and slightly wounded. I wasn't ok with slightly wounded, and I kept hearing Sensei Kreese's voice from the Karate Kid yelling "Finish HIM!", so I did.

I felt like a stud until I realized that I'd blindsided a silly insect with the kid's baseball bat. Now I'm just a mean 'ol bully. But I will defend my turf. Let that be a lesson!

I had volunteered to defeat the wasp instead of Ben because I knew I wasn’t allergic to wasp stings. Last year I was stung by a wasp in church. A wasp had flown into the sanctuary, and I noticed it just as the pastor said “Let us pray.” We all had our eyes closed and our heads bowed. The only sound in the whole room was a barely audible prayer being whispered through the PA system. Then all of a sudden, I feel a sting on my arm and yell, “AAAAACCCCKKKK!” Yeah, that woke ‘em up. I looked down and saw a weakened wasp waddling away and a little red welt on my forearm. Little booger. This little wasp in our backyard didn’t have a chance. I was ready for payback.

If any of you readers out there know anything that could make this easier for me, please do share. Point me to a website or book or something that I could turn to for resources. I’m such a beginner at this, but I have these grandiose plans for my future yard and am using this rent-a-yard to experiment and learn. I’m willing to try all kinds of things here. I love working in my yard, but I don’t want to feel like a hamster spinning in his wheel. I’d like my work to get me somewhere.

Happy Spring!

Amazing Grace, Pt. 2

In going through this adventure with extending grace, I’ve learned a few things that I thought maybe you’d want me to share.

Over the weekend, it occurred to me that I don’t think I’d be very good at giving grace if we experienced the same (or similar) marital hiccup as we did two weeks ago. (Especially if it happened anytime in the near future.) I think that it would become infinitely more difficult with each occurrence. It wouldn’t feel wise to just keep doing something so unnatural that didn’t appear to be working. So for how long is it supposed to go on? Is it possible to show grace while running for the hills? Just because it would feel wrong, does that mean that it would actually be wrong for me to continue to show grace if the wrongful act kept happening?

Now I know where this thought comes from. Unfortunately, that particular hiccup leveled the house of trust we had built around us. My fear of a repeat act is brought on by my inability to trust. (Thankfully, there’s nothing he or I or anyone else could do to destroy the foundation of our little house of trust – nor its cornerstone – if you get what I mean.) I actually look forward to seeing it rebuilt into something more like what God has intended for us. But until then, I’m left with this unstable, vulnerable feeling, and I’m not sure that I can do anything about that. Of course, I trust God. And right now, that seems to be all I really need.

Another thing I’m noticing is that grace doesn’t eliminate or wash away the earthly consequences of our actions. God didn’t heal the effects that my past smoking, heavy drinking and drug use had on my body. He didn’t erase the scars on my body so that I won’t have to explain to my kids someday that Mommy made those scars. While on earth, there will always be consequences to our sins. Once in heaven, if we are believers, God won’t even see us. He’ll see His Son, and we will be given salvation. Jesus sees us though. At least, that’s how I understand it. He experienced all my sins. He knows the eternal consequences of my sins intimately. They killed him.

I keep hearing that when we forgive, we are to do it for ourselves, and not for the person who harmed us. I’ve seen where people are teaching that when we withhold forgiveness, we are actually poisoning ourselves while waiting for the other person to die. This is not grace. This is not how I understand Christian forgiveness. I do believe that not forgiving is very unhealthy, sure. But I don’t think we should be primarily concerned with ourselves when we forgive. I don’t think that God forgave us because He wanted a healed heart. I don’t think He ever got into the victim mentality and out of desperation cried out, “Fine! I’m not going to let you hurt me anymore. I will no longer hold your offenses against you. You are forgiven.” He doesn’t offer us forgiveness so He can feel better. He offers it to us so we can become better.

I also wanted to clear up something about my last post. I don’t know the answer here, but I thought it needed to be addressed. I’m not certain that grace is always the best recourse. How does a physically abused wife show grace to an un-repentant husband? How does a father show grace when his children constantly bear the marks of a mother’s frequent and uncontrolled rage? How could a Holocaust survivor extend grace to the members of the SS Army? Should these people ever be offered grace by us humans?

I’ve heard of parents who have forgiven their own child’s murderer. I’ve read where a severely wounded survivor on a train that was blown up by a suicide bomber has found the power to forgive. I’ve even heard that Jesus told His Father to forgive me, you, and the people who had Him killed because we just don’t know what we are doing.

Grace can’t take away a wrongful act. It can not take away the consequences of the act. And offering grace doesn’t condone the act. All that grace does is let the person who receives it know that they still have worth to you. Honestly, if a person has been deemed worthy enough by God that He’d send His only Son to die for him/her, I would like to think that I could show a little grace too.

Amazing Grace

Three years ago I was struggling with loving my husband, and my mother in law invited me over because she had a gift for me. It was the book by Phillip Yancey, What’s So Amazing about Grace? At the time, it felt like a slap in the face. I didn’t crack it open once. I couldn’t understand why she’d kick a girl when she was down. Sure, I was acting like a twerp, but didn’t she see why I had to?

This was not the first time I had been unloving. I can’t count how many times I’ve failed in this area. (God can, but I can’t.) I have not been the most understanding wife. There is just no way I will be winning a “Most Gracious Wife” award anytime soon. I had been convicted about this, but I just didn’t know how to change.

Last week, we went through a marital hiccup. You Nosy Noras out there might as well click on some other blog, because I’m not going to discuss the details here. All you really have to know is that I felt hurt. I felt scared. I wanted to run for the hills. I wanted to scream and throw a fit and never allow him a single second of mercy. I wanted him to know how I felt and to never forget it.

And yeah, maybe it would have felt good. And maybe I would have felt appeased for a second. I doubt it, but typically when I feel like I’ve been wronged, I do turn into a tyrannical circus act, complete with juggling clowns and little puppies riding unicycles in tu-tus.

Can you see now why my mother in law would have bought me that book? I truly am soooo blessed to have her.

So when this little hiccup happened, my instinct was to get my pointing finger all warmed up and to get my high horse out of storage and prepare for some serious judging. But what good has that ever done us? Honestly, all it’s done is keep me from seeing my own log and made my husband regret the day he married me.

I decided instead to finally crack open that book and see if there was anything in there I needed to hear. Boy Howdy! What an amazing book! Did I really just let this sit on a shelf for 3 years?! I realized that I can’t truly say that I understand grace just because I’ve benefited from it. I realized that putting my hubby in a corner, separating him from my affection, making him wear a dunce cap wasn’t really helping me prove that I love him unconditionally. I realized that if I was ever going to be trusted by him, as someone who genuinely cares about him, that I was going to have to show him grace.

My emotions promptly rejected the idea. They kept screaming stuff at me like, “But if you don’t make him suffer, he’ll just do it again,” and “Why should you make the first move and extend grace? He hasn’t apologized yet, and he’d never do the same for you!” and “He won’t think it’s as big a deal as it actually is if you let him off the hook like this.” But you know, guys, I have no business putting my husband on a hook! I am not his judge. I didn’t sign up for that role, I don’t want that role, I have no authority over him like that, and for me to believe that I do is sick and twisted! So there.

I felt convinced that I had to show him grace no matter what. No matter how unnatural it felt. No matter how unfair and unbalanced. My feelings are so perverse and fickle; I can’t rely on them to guide me. So I asked God to help me show grace the way that He had shown me grace when I certainly didn’t deserve it.

And you’ll never believe what happened next. (Well, those of you who have obeyed God when it didn’t feel right will probably be able to guess what happened.) Grace has been MUCH more effective than my screaming fits ever were. Seriously. We’re communicating more. He’s playing with the kids more. It’s been astonishing to watch. If you’d ever asked, you’d never have caught me saying for a second that my way is better than God’s. I wouldn’t have admitted it because I wouldn’t think it possible that I’d actually believe it. But I guess I had believed it because I kept rejecting this idea of grace in favor of my lashing out with hate.

Now it’s not been easy. Even after I started seeing the benefits outweighing the risks, I still wanted to ignore him and just not be near him. It has taken a great deal of effort to ignore my stupid urges and submit to the will of God. But I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where we are to extend grace only when it’s easy and the person deserves it. And THANK GOD FOR THAT! Or else I would never have the relationship I have now with God.

So for those of you who might be like me, try grace. You’ll like it. God knows what He’s talking about. As if there was ever any doubt. :)