Reflections

I talked yesterday about my sadness over my Mamaw being in heaven while I am still left here on earth. As a Christian, I know what awaits me at the end of my life, and I admit there has been more than once that I have thought about rushing that finishing line. I see my future here on earth; I see what grave condition I’m in. I realize that I will die somehow, someday. It may be peaceful, surrounded by loved ones who hold my hand and pray over me. It may come suddenly and unexpectedly. It may even come violently and traumatically. This is not for me to know, but either way, it ends in my dying. If I focus on that, I will see no reason to stick around here on earth. Why not just take matters into my own hands and avoid all the unknown options and just speed up my acceptance into heaven? (Yes, I realize that suicide is viewed by some as an unforgivable sin. I happen to disagree, although I don’t advocate it at all. Our lives are not in our own hands, and we have no right to try to play God. It is not for us to decide when we will live and when we will die.)

If I focus instead of why God has left me here, on His purpose for my still being here, I understand why it hurts sometimes, and why it’s hard, and what I am to focus on doing. (I fear I’m not doing a very good job, but that’s for another post.)

I am to reflect God to an unseeing world. Some people, believe it or not, don’t see God when the seasons change or when a baby is born. Some people don’t see God when they look upon mountains or the ocean. I know. I used to be one of them. But enough people reflected God to me that it eventually became easier for me to take that initial leap of faith. I am to do this now for my unseeing friends.

There was a story I read a few years ago on the FamilyLife forums about a group of ladies doing a bible study on the book of Malachi. When they came to Malachi 3:3, which says “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness”, they wanted to learn more about how silver is refined. One of the ladies went to a silversmith to watch him work. He held the silver in the fire for a long time, taking it out everyone once in a while to gaze into it, If unsatisfied with what he saw, he would hold the silver in the fire a little longer, and then check it again. The lady asked the man, “What are you looking for? How do you know when the silver has been purified?” The man replied, “When I see my reflection in it.”

How many times have we sat in church and sung about God purifying us? I know I have. And when I sing it, I mean it. I really want to be purified. But when I stop and ponder what that might look like, I get a little nervous. I guess while I’m singing, I think God will just purify me automatically without any real burning away of impurities. Like they’ll just disappear on their own. But that’s not how it works. Life here on earth isn’t meant to be easy. It’s gonna hurt. It just is. There are periods of clarity and non-resistance, but sooner or later, you will be held in the fire by the knowing hand of our Lord. He knows how much we can stand. He also knows how much it’s going to take for us to start reflecting Him to our neighbors here. He does this carefully and with skill. We don’t need to be afraid, and we most certainly don’t need to resist it. I know I’ve prayed thousands of times for my kids to not have to go through the fire, but it’s unrealistic to think that we can avoid it. How we handle ourselves during our refinery will be a testament in itself. Do we trust God through the process or are we trying with all our might to wiggle out of His hands? I’ve done both and seen people’s reactions to both. It is amazing how God reveals Himself through the faithfulness and good attitudes of His followers. I pray that I never let anyone down in that department and that I can keep a proper perspective during my times in the flames.

E.T. phone home, please

For as long as I can remember, my Mamaw has called me on my birthday to sing the Birthday Song. Maybe it's the surge of pregnancy hormones, maybe it's that this is the first year that I haven't gotten that call, more than likely both, but I was a mess yesterday because of it. I still have her number in my cell phone and her email address in my contacts list online. I just can't seem to delete her. I don't want to. Not ever. I realize that deleting her contact info from my phone and computer wouldn't belittle her importance to me or how often I think about her. I realize that keeping those little reminders won't bring her back. More often than not, it's painful to be reminded that I'm here on earth without her. But there are those times when I see her name and get absolutely flooded with warmth and love. In my mind last night, I could see her handwritting on the numerous birthday cards and little 'hello, i love you' cards she used to send me. I had started keeping them a year or so before she died, because I knew that this day would someday come, and I would want everything I could get my hands on. I am grateful that I did that.

I know I can't communicate with the dead. Or rather, that I shouldn't. After my Papaw died, I sort of locked myself in my mom's bathroom and just cried and cried. I had found it more important to smoke out rather than visit while I still could, and I started feeling the weight of that decision one day while visiting my mom. I wasn't a believer then, but I asked my Papaw's 'God' to help me feel connected to my Papaw again. And for some reason, I got the idea that he was asking God to bring me butterflies to remind me of him. After that moment, when I would see a butterfly, I would say a silent thank you to 'God,' and hello to my Papaw. I see now how completely egotistical this line of thinking was. Admittedly, there was really nothing about my life back then that wasn't self-centered. But I did find comfort believing that Papaw had convinced his God to send me butterflies.

Strange the things we allow to give us comfort when we have such a void in our lives.

I am sad for my loss. But when I consider that my sweet Mamaw may be dancing with her husband of 51 years again in the full glory of God, I am very excited for her. She isn't struggling anymore. She is complete. She is with her beloved Savior and Lord, celebrating a life well lived. I am so grateful for the happy ending my faith promises me, for I can believe that I will someday see her again, and we can sing our praises to our Lord together. Until then, I just have to remember her beautiful voice, calling me on the phone, reminding me of her love.

snow?

Ok, you guys can see from the shots in my previous post that yesterday was gorgeous and sunny and warm. I've been sitting here all morning hoping that it'll be warm enough by lunchtime to put our new pool outside, but it has just started snowing. snowing! what nerve!

and I thought Texas weather was crazy. sheesh.

Old fart

Yesterday was my birthday, and Ben surprised me by waking up early to go with me and the kids to my doctor's appointment. It was fun because we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. It's always so relieving and exciting to hear that kind of confirmation of things going well.

We then went hiking on the summit of this cool mountain really close to us. But three things kept it from being really awesome. First, we had to park really far away from the entrance onto the trail and walk uphill for a good while before we even got to start the hike. Sort of a bummer. We were exhausted before we'd even started. Not to mention how terribly awful we felt when an older guy chugging a beer told us that he'd just had a knee replacement and then proceeded to pass us up like we were standing still! Man, we're out of shape!

Second, we had to be schooled in what to do if we ran into a mountain lion or a bear while on the trail. So the whole time, I'm staring up into the cliffs and wondering, 'Hmmm. Do we look like a tasty lunch?' The advice for if you do encounter a bear or mountain lion is a bit confusing. You're supposed to make yourself look big and make lots of noise, but whatever you do, don't look them in the eye because they'll view that as a challenge. So being loud and big, that's totally intimidating. But looking a bear in the eye, prepare to be eaten? weird, right? Like the bear's thinking, "Oh no, look at those big, loud guys over there. I don't want to mess with....OH NO THEY DIDN'T! Did they just look me in the EYE?! It is soOOO ON!"

Third, some of the snow had not melted yet. We were on a path along a slope. The powers that be just took a bit of the slope, made a teeny tiny bit of it flat enough to walk steadily across, and then called it a trail. At least that's how it seemed. And typically, that's what we're after when Ben and I go hiking. The more rustic the better. We want to feel like we're really in the woods, not walking down the sidewalk in Downtown Denver, ya know. But when the only flat part is covered in thick ice, it's a bit unnerving. Ben took Josh and got him across ok, and I had to help Gillie. She just wants to skip and gallop and spin the whole time, so trying to relay to her the seriousness of the situation, without scaring the crap out of her, was a task in itself. Making matters worse, the slope is, uh, sloping downward so the ice froze like that. We're trying to cross a slippery portion of ice that is leaning down as well. It was pretty scary because there wasn't a lot to stop us from falling off the whole dang mountain if we had slipped. But we managed. When the snow wasn't completely frozen, it was nice and fluffy, which was fun because I would try to walk across the top and end up knee-deep in the stuff. Gillie didn't like that so much because, like me, she was wearing capri-length pants. That was the part I actually like the best. I was really warm out there, and the little bursts of cold like that on bare skin was really refreshing! Although it did scrape the tar out of my legs. :)

After our adventure, we went home and got all cleaned up and pretty, and then went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. I had prime rib, my favorite, and it was yummy!! Then Ben told them it was my birthday, and they brought out their most killer dessert, 'Death by Chocolate' with a scoop of ice cream! Dood! Even four of us couldn't tackle half of it. But it was crazy yummy.

Later that night, we realized we had to return a movie to our local RedBox and went to Walmart for that. With some birthday money, I bought us an inflatable swimming pool. It's been so warm the last two days that I thought it would be nice to sit in some cool water in the backyard. Although it doesn't look like it will be warm enough today or tomorrow. Friday is looking good though. The kids even slept in their swimsuits last night because they're so excited. And yes, of course, I let them sleep in their swimsuits. I rock like that.

So here's to another year. I like getting older. And here's some pics from our hike. I wish I could've gotten some pictures of me and Gillie in the snow, but the camera was around my neck, and I wasn't about to toss it to Ben! So you'll just have to trust me on that one. :)