I didn't have the ooey gooey feelings of anticipation and excitement when I was pregnant with Josh. With my daughter, I had been so in love with her from the second I found out I was pregnant. Fear set in later, in fact it came in as soon as I saw her. I don't know if I expected her to be a Cabbage Patch doll or what, but after 9 months of preparing for a child, I was shocked to see that I had just given birth to a baby. With Josh, I knew what I was getting into, and although I chose to have another child, my hormones kept this distance between us all throughout the pregnancy. 9 months of wondering why I didn't have the same feelings as I had had with my first kiddo drove me nuts, and I clearly remember wanting to run away from the hospital the day he was due to be born.
I had an emergency c-section with my daughter, and I had elected to have another c-section with my son. When I was delivering Gillian, it was so different because I had been in labor for hours, and welcomed the idea of an epideral. With Josh, the desperation for pain relief wasn't there, and I had a hard time being ok with getting a long, thick needle shoved into my back. I was too clear headed and alert, I think. I didn't have the confusion and endorphins flowing that would have numbed the awareness of fear. I don't really know. Up until 15 minutes before he was born, I was a wreck. A precious lady from our church who ministers to those in the hospital had come to pray with me, and it gave me strength to stop thinking of myself long enough to be brave for my little guy. I will treasure that time she spent with me praying my stress away. I remember being all numb from the waist down and praying for my son, when all of a sudden it hit me: I love him. I had trusted that God would give me the feelings when I would need them, and He certainly waited until the last possible moment to fulfill that for me! It was in that moment that I became very eager to hold and love my sweet son.
It's now two years later, and I love my son more than ever. He's such a groovy kid. I pray that he continues to enjoy life and grow strong.
"Grow old along with me; the best is yet to be!" - Robert Browning
Happy Birthday Josh!