Excavations

gillian

2011-10-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

I did a photoshoot over the summer of Gillian. I wanted it to feel colorful and otherworldly, I guess. We grabbed some fabric and some accessories and headed to the backyard. Jack spent most of the shoot running through the grass naked. Josh eventually took him inside and put his Batman pjs on. Such a sweet big brother.

Anyway, I LOVE the way these turned out. Gillian is a natural poser. She gets these ideas of how she wants to look in her head and just does it. I rarely have to give her many cues. I just show up and click the camera. And because she's hilarious, we end up cracking up most of the time. and scratching the occassional itchy armpit.

I want to do one for the boys that looks like they're camping or something. Having some sort of adventure. I'm trying to figure out the details, but it should be fun. and I'm post them when I'm done. Eventually.

2011-10-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." cs lewis

I'm just gonna be honest. This summer has been brutal on my marriage. Ben has had a rough time, and he's taken it out on me. I've had a rough time and taken it out on him. We were amped up and super sensitive, and instead of trying to be there for each other, we just attacked with all our might. It was horrible.

We seem to be on the other side of it now. Thank you, Jesus! But now we need to rebuild some of the things we broke. Like hearts. and trust. and stuff like that.

We are currently tiptoeing back into this whole being-on-the-same-team idea. Ben is MUCH better at this than I am. He forgives so completely and quickly. It's not effortless, but it seems like it. He is trying hard to clean up his side of the street and is being patient while I try to clean up my side of the street. But it's a WHOLE lot easier to stop yelling and stop rolling eyes and to smile more and hug more than it is to give your heart back to someone who has broken it.

I can change my behaviors. and I have been. But I'm finding it extremely difficult to soften my heart and risk it being hurt again.

I'm giving him this:

when I need to be giving him this:

We won't get very far in being there for each other if I steel up my heart and keep Ben out. All this work he's doing to make amends won't penetrate and affect my heart if I remain hard-hearted. I am getting in the way of us truly being a team if I bury my heart. I am keeping us from healing.

Yes, I will likely get my heart broken again. But if I never risk it, I will never have the opportunity to really experience healing and love and compassion and forgiveness and marriage. I'm not willing to let my marriage or my heart die. So I'm gonna let Ben love me. and I'm not going to question his motives or belittle his efforts or reject his sweet, sweet heart. He's worth it. I'm worth it. Our marriage is worth it. Lord, help me remember grace. Help me remember love. Help me trust. Help me enjoy the adventure of being vulnerable.

God is EVERYwhere

2011-10-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight at dinner, the kids were talking about how God is everywhere. They pointed at Dad and said that God was on his head. They pointed at me and said that God was on my shoulders. They pointed at each other and said God was on them and in their hearts. God was in the kitchen. Next door. In the car. In the future. At school. You get the picture. Then Jack took it to a WHOLE. OTHER. LEVEL.He says "God is in my drink. I drink God. Then He comes out my butt."Technically.....

not satisfied

2011-08-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

I realized the other day that I speak a lot on this blog about how I’m not satisfied with God and how instead of relying on Him and Him alone, I seek out other things to fill these aches. I know that I don't necessarily describe it that way, but that's the way it is. I know how wrong this is, but every time I take inventory of my heart, there it is again! Something in my heart that I have substituted for God.

Part of that is wrong. Part of that is true.

It’s true that I’m not satisfied with God. I can look at my life and see areas where I’m straight-up saying “You are not enough. I need more, and I’m gonna try to find that more in this or that.”

And that’s where I’m wrong. It’s ok to not be satisfied with God. Or at least to not be satisfied with the relationship that I currently have. I’m designed to never be ABLE to get enough of God. I will always constantly need Him. I SHOULD always be seeking more of Him. His is a Love that I can never wear out and never not be in desperate need of. I shouldn’t ever get to a place where I think I’ve experienced or know all that I need or want from God. But I've been wrong in turning to anything besides Him.

And so I’m here to say that I am not satisfied. I need more. And instead of running to other things to fill that void, I’m going to run to Him. And then I’m gonna turn around and run toward Him again. And again. And again. And never get enough. I want more of Him. I need more of Him.

It's all about me

2011-08-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this article? It says that tv shows geared towards 9-11 year old kids teach that fame, above all else, is what is most important, most valuable. Yes, media shapes culture, but it also reflects it. With the rise of social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter and YouTube, it makes sense that having your little entourage of friends (and sometimes complete strangers) 'follow' you, 'like' you, and have instant and constant access to you would make you feel like you have what it takes to be famous.

I'm writing this little ol' blog post here because what I'm about to say is so important that it just HAS to be shared with the masses (2 readers, on a good week. Hey guys. How's it hanging?).

The article brought up a thoughtful question: "When being famous and rich is much more important than being kind to others, what will happen to kids as they form their values and their identities?"

I think most people just want to be known. They hope that who they are is not only acceptable, but admired, adored, wanted. Treasured, cherished, thought of. I would imagine that most people have a small core group of friends (not necessarily the 200 online acquaintances on your Facebook friends list. I mean, honest to goodness, real-life friends who you communicate with on a somewhat regular basis) that you know and who know you, and ya'll hang out anyway.

And I think that people don't want fame just for fame's sake. I'd imagine most people don't want to be known for their breakdowns or failings. People admire and want to be like Oprah and Taylor Swift. They make fun of and pity Charlie Sheen. See the difference?

For the last few weeks or so, God has been shining a harsh light on my heart about my own need to be seen, known, admired, and wanted. I struggle with pride and am prone to fantasize, so I end up engaging in these scenarios in my head where a friend comes over and raves about my cooking or how crafty I am or how smart and funny and happy my kids are. I envision myself having conversations with people where they sit there, silenced by awe, shaking their heads with admiration, wondering how in the world I do it all.

(I can hardly believe I'm telling you guys this stuff. I just want to be real. I don't do it all, just so you know. I can't. NOT EVEN CLOSE. and what I do end up accomplishing is normally done sloppily and only at the last possible minute. But these are my fantasies, remember? I've always been like this. When I was little, I used to imagine myself being interviewed by Oprah. yes, really. That's how narcissistic I am. I also used to make up forms for me to fill out. I had to list my name, my age, my birthday, my favorite color, my hero, my least favorite food, my best subject in school. I just wanted all this info out there. You know, in case anyone wanted to know.)

Along the same lines, I also find myself entertaining thoughts of grabbing a man's attention. I don't do anything about these thoughts, but it can seriously consume me. I'm not willing to do anything to jeopardize my marriage or anyone else's marriage. But I suppose part of me wants to know if I've still got it, and part of me likes to get caught up in the idea of being wooed. It's fun to be wooing someone. You bring your "A" game and don't share a bathroom and never let them see you sweaty or upset. I think that is why I do it. Besides the obvious 'I-am-such-a-sinnner' part. I want someone to pursue me, to want to spend time with me, to work to get to know me, and to like what they see and hear enough to be willing to stick around even when I'm being a fickle, narcissistic jerk with a nasty wad of a heart.

Women (and probably some men too) watch these romantic-comedies and read these romance novels and love to get caught up in someone being romanced. They love watching people fall in love. I've got to admit that I've watched two whole seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette for this very reason. Everyone loves a good wedding. Less people celebrate a good marriage. That is, until a couple has been married 50 years or so. Then it rocks! It's admirable, it's inspiring, it's beautiful. But between the "I do" and the "I'd do it all over again, Baby!" there is a whole lot of hard work and crying yourselves to sleep and snotty attitudes and having conversations while one is peeing in front of the other. It's hard to remember that I am adored by my husband when I know how bad my morning breath can be. It's hard to feel special when we're both so tired by the end of the day that we end up turning on the tv and tuning each other out. It's hard to remember that he wants me when I look around me and don't see how in the world my body could be attractive compared to what he sees when he stops to grab a coffee at Starbucks. But he does. He comes home to ME. The second that he walks out the door of his office, he's on the phone with me, bitching about his day or telling me about some problem he single-handedly solved. He calls ME. He doesn't call someone else. He doesn't shut down and keep that part of his life from me (even though I really only understand about 20% of what he's saying. It's all 'geek' to me). Occasionally, he brings me flowers and then says stuff like "I picked these because they were the most beautiful. Like you." He and I sign "I love you" with our hands when we drive away from each other or when we see each other in church across the room. And when I'm not feeling well, he takes over dinner duties and lets me stay in bed, and he brings me soup and medicine and comes in to keep me company. If that isn't being wooed, I don't know what is!

It's hard to feel loved when my sin is so exposed, and yet that's exactly what God does. He LOVES me. He is wooing me. Did you see that sunset the other day? Did you catch the scent of that rain? Remember the vividness of that random patch of wildflowers? Didn't that act of kindness move you to tears? He doesn't care if I'm all made up and if my butt doesn't look like that 19 year old's butt who hasn't had 3 kids and doesn't know what spending a full day with spit up dried on the back of her shirt without her knowing is like. He loves ME. Warts and all. Because He loves His Son, and I am COVERED by Him. Covered in speghetti-o's and kids' boogers too, but covered by Jesus all the same. and that, folks, is what matters.

Yes, there is a whole generation of kids thinking that if they can learn a few sweet dance moves or songs on the piano and put it up on YouTube or Facebook, that hordes of people will come banging down their door within a week, begging them to be on some new show that will reveal to the world just how incredible they truly are. and then those boys or girls that made fun of them in gym will feel so ashamed.

But that rarely happens (I can't say it never happens. Isn't Beiber a YouTube success story?). and haven't you seen American Idol? I mean, yes, the contestants who win the title of Idol have worked their butts off to get there and have some genuine talent and stage presence. But then there are also those contestants who became Internet superstars because their audition tape was put into the bloopers reel and put into heavy rotation. Their video goes viral and a star is born. Short-lived, but their star shines for a time nonetheless.

And it's not just those who are growing up in this easy-access culture of "friends". Like I just admitted, I too struggle with lusting after admiration. Even though I know that if I am going to boast, I am supposed to boast in the Lord.

But here I am, jacking up my own self, desperate for more people to notice and appreciate me.

God knows me. How quickly I forget. How quickly I become dissatisfied with God's supreme, never-ending, never-failing love and turn to the world with its short-lived, conditional, self-seeking and exploitive affection. How quick I am to belittle the commitment and admiration of my sweet husband. His love is more than enough and yet I still fantasize about more. It doesn't matter if my walls have been artfully decorated, what matters is whether my life adorns God with worship. It doesn't matter if my kids make me look like I'm Captain Awesome Mom, what matters is do they know the Lord? It doesn't matter if some random dude in the car next to me notices that I curled my hair this morning, what matters is that my husband loves me, and I can trust that he will come home to me. and that man has seen the good, the bad and the totally disgusting, and he STILL wants me! It doesn't even matter if you read this blog post and think I am the grossest sinner in the world. or worse - you could think, "eh. Another boring post by that wretch who is totally normal and doesn't stand out in any way and isn't worthy of any book deals." What matters is that I am recognizing this crap about me and acknowledging that it's wrong. I am admitting to God that I am wrong and need to repent and that I need to focus more on living a life of worship of God instead of this sick self-worship crap. What matters is whether I'm willing to be honest enough with my sweet, precious, gifts from Heaven, friends to admit that I'm wrong and that I'm struggling and ashamed and could use some support and some prayers. and maybe someone out there will be able to relate, and we can help each other out.

If God gave you a beautiful singing voice, sing His praises. If God made you crafty, make your home a comfortable place to gather together your family and your friends. If He blessed you richly with the gift of words, get out there and tell the world that God is good. If you made you good with numbers, praise Him with them. It all goes back to Him.

If you feel like you don't have anything to offer, offer your heart. Warts and all. Offer your yuck. Offer your good. Offer your sad. Offer your success. Offer your mess. Offer your fear. Offer your doubt. Offer it all.

It's not about me. Or you. Or you or you or even you (wow, you are wonderful!). It's about Him. It's always been about Him. It will always BE about Him. He is the only one who deserves your praise. He is the only one that deserves my praise. It's all about Him. Let us be kind and point people to Him. Let our lives reflect our devotion to God. Let us not try to bring attention to ourselves if we are going to shine anything besides that sweet Light of Jesus. And if we are going to fantasize, let it be about the day to come, where every knee will bow.

cheap

2011-08-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who has an illness. She's had it for a few years now. When she wants to hang out with me, she asks me to do something for her and then goes over the top about explaining that she'd do it herself, but her condition is making it too hard for her.

I have told her that I like hanging out with her and that she doesn't have to make excuses in order to get me to visit with her. But she continues to come up with things that she needs and then explains over and over and over that her illness makes life hard for her.

Now I have no problem with her being concerned about her illness. Frankly, I'm concerned as well. I don't mind her talking about it or how it makes her life difficult. I want her to share with me her fears and doubts as well as her ideas and memories and dreams. But I tend to feel a bit manipulated when we hang out. Yes, she's an emotional vampire, and it's kind of exhausting spending much time with her, but still. I like her. She's kind and interesting and loves my kids. and I gotta admit that I love feeling useful and appreciated and needed.

but I also feel like she cheapens our friendship. (I probably do too. As you're about to see.)

With all the talk about her illness, it feels like she's trying to guilt me into helping her. As if I wouldn't help her if she just told me about her need. And she's always trying to pay me for something. If I drive her somewhere, she's wants to pay for gas. She's uncomfortable if I don't accept her money. And I never know if I'm taking away her dignity if I don't accept or whether I need to be super intentional about letting her know that I'm not doing it for the money. She's my friend. That's what I do with my friends.

But she doesn't see it that way. I don't think she realizes that we're friends. I don't think she can let that into her heart. and that makes me so sad for her.

and I know that I do the same thing with God. I try to earn my way into His family. Not accepting that He chose me and there's nothing I can be or do that will change that. He loves me. Not because of anything I did or didn't do. He loves me because He chooses to love me. He WANTS me to be His friend.

Mind-blowing, I know.

I find it sooo hard to accept that. I too tend to cheapen all of my relationships. If I can't offer a 'fancy' meal with place settings that will Rock+Their+World, I don't tend to invite people over. As if anyone cares about that. If I didn't clear the sink of dirty dishes, I tend to try to make up for it by pointing out the pile of clean clothes (that I probably have yet to fold and put away) or the fact that I'm being 'fun' and microwaving our dinners tonight (that's right, I WENT there). If I can't think of something witty and charming to say, I won't call anyone. and if I can't present a clean, pure heart, I don't tend to offer much to God either.

I also cheapen God by trying to fill His role in my life with counterfeit junk. I found a stash of beautiful fabrics at Joann's tonight. On clearance! Swoooooooon. I snatched it up dreaming of all the A-MAZING things I'm going to create with it. It felt s o o o o good to be inspired and have things around me to play with. and I realized that I was trying to soothe a super raw heart that had been called out during church this morning. My face (still) hurts from trying to hide my darn tears that just would not stop flowing. I was not ready to share about it. I supposed I'm still not ready. and this is a group of people that I feel very comfortable being honest with. I have shared some STUFF with them, and they have been nothing but supportive and encouraging, and they have prayed for me, and I have felt (the opposite of alone). and yet, I am cheapening their friendship, their fellowship. By sitting there in my seat, tears pouring out of my face like that, and then saying "I'm fine" when they ask is BS. I'm telling them that I'm not willing to let them in and that most likely makes them feel that they shouldn't ask to be let in as well. I'm also cheapening my need. I'm trying to gloss over my stupid need and treat it with something that will certainly numb it for a time, but will not EVER be enough. This need can only be treated by me slaying my pride and offering my messy, yucky, hurt heart anyway. By letting God in. By letting God bring people into my life that I'm supposed to share my messy, yucky, hurt heart with. And then they can share their messy, yucky, hurt hearts with me.

It's beautiful. At least, it's supposed to be. and I'm keeping alllllll that beauty away. Trying to soothe it with beautiful THINGS.

God, help me. Take away my stupid pride. Hold my hand as I sit with the yuck and really look at it. With you. Forgive me. I invite You in. Help me see it for what it is. Please help me reject the counterfeit junk and seek You. And help me as I try to align my will with Your Will. I imagine that Satan is really enjoying just how easy it is to distract me. I am sorry, sweet Savior. I want You. I need You. I love You.

(oh yea, I feel the need to point out that I don't believe that there's anything wrong with buying fabric and being artsy fartsy or with letting the dishes pile up for a night or even accepting money from a friend. Buying fabric just happened to be what I was doing today to distract myself from dealing with the stuff God brought up for me. Piled up dishes seem to be a staple in our house. So much so that if they aren't there when you come over for a visit, I'm trying to impress you. and sometimes you should let people appreciate you with their money. It's not that I wouldn't accept money for a service that I do for friends, but the stuff I've done for this lady, I did because I wanted to spend time with her. It felt like my friendship wasn't noticed. Just my service. That was my beef. I'm sure people have that same beef with me and my kooky ways. Ok, I'm done.)

trying hard

2011-07-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

I recently took a Zumba class at my gym. It was outstanding! My bedroom growing up had sliding, mirrored closet doors. It was like having a dance studio in my room. My sister and I used to jump around and dance and try to move like Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson. Being in a room with a bunch of sweaty ladies during Zumba reminded me of that. Glorious.

I liked it so much that I even got a Zumba video so that I could get that kind of workout whenever I wanted.

While I was doing the video tonight, Gillian asked me if it was hard. "Yes," was about all I could gasp out.

"You're very sweaty," she observed.

"Uh huh." (boom chick boom chick boom chick)

"Why do you try so hard?"

"Because calories are stubborn. And it's exciting to do something challenging."

"You're gonna need a bath..."

"I was planning on bathing anyway. Besides, aren't baths more fun when you reallllly need it?"

"But, but it's hard and you're completely gross."

I'm sure there's some greater lesson there (other than I'm more stubborn than calories AND a glutton for punishment), but Gillian is a riot. And I love a good challenge. Especially if I get to sweat.

not a mistake

2011-07-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

Hey doods! Summer has arrived, and we've been crazy busy. I have wanted to type out a post here for a couple of weeks now, but our computer crashed, and I didn't want to try to type it out from my phone. (That's right. I've finally been pulled kicking and screaming into the 21st century - I have a smart phone. It's like in the National Honor Society of phones. I'd be proud if I wasn't so darned intimidated. I don't know enough about these little devices to NOT imagine that it is like Robocop, scanning me for weaknesses and planning a revolution against humans.)

With my trusty keyboard and its comfortable familiarity on the fritz, I'm writing this from my phone. (Is your mind as blown as mine?) I wouldn't bother except that this really beautiful thing happened, and I just have to share it with you!

My husband has bipolar disorder, and every once in a while he has a manic cycle. It's like Ben x 10. He thinks fast, acts fast, talks fast. He's moving so fast that he can't think through his complex problems at work. He has taken the last month off work so that he could give his doc and his increased meds a chance to slow him back down to his normal speed. In that time, he's really argued with God about having the disorder in the first place. He finds it unfair that he has to struggle with this thing that he was simply born with. He's upset because when he's manic, he relates to his kids so easily, but he can't do his job. And when he's more leveled out, he finds it hard to interact with his kids, but he can ace every issue at work. He feels like he has to choose between playing with his kids and providing for kids. Very tough stuff to ponder.

I have tried to comfort him. I have prayed constantly for his heart, that God would calm his spirit and give him peace. I have prayed that God would protect his mind and his faith, that He would draw Ben close and confide in him and give him strength and security. I tried to explain away his illness by telling Ben that sometimes things happen that God desires and some things God allows and will heal later.

God brought Ben to a mountaintop (literally. Ben went hiking and brought his Bible, searching for truth and hope), and told him five incredible words -

YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE.

Here I am trying to explain away his illness, trying to make excuses for God. And God answers - Trust me. This is part of the plan. And it's gonna be great.

We all have junk that we're dealing with that we just want to go away. Life is hard enough without all this extra crap piled on top. But we can't know what God is up to. We can just trust Him and hang on. The way Ben handles his disorder is admirable. He gives others with bipolar hope that they too will one day hold down a job and have a loving family to come home to. I don't know why he has to struggle so much, but I now know that it's in God's Hands.

And it's gonna be alright.

sailors

2011-06-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

Ok I've got to share a couple more funnies from my boys.

First off, I gotta set the stage. We're not usually this 'street.' But these past few weeks have been rough.

Therapy has gotten REAL, yo. We've just started a new modality called Prolonged Exposure Therapy. Used a ton with PTSD peeps. not, not, NOT fun. Instead of our usual 60 minute sessions, we've bumped it up to 90 minutes. This past week, I think I spent 80 of those minutes bawling my darn eyes out. Anyway, so things are tense. I'm tense. I'm sensitive and jumpy and grouchy and on edge. Even though I'm trying reallllllly hard to relax and compartmentalize. Still. That stuff bleeds over. And it makes me tense. And me being tense makes Ben tense. So....

The other day, Ben opened the freezer and something fell onto his foot. He yells out "Crap!" and of course, Jack is right there.

"Crap?"
"No, Jack. Don't say that."
"crap. crap. crap. heh heh. crap. crap. crap." All twinkly eyes and big, stretched out grin.

yea.

And then last weekend, a friend of mine held a garage sale at my place. She came over the night before just as Ben and I were cooling off from an argument. Not a fight, now. We're just both on edge, remember? And so Every+Little+Thing sets us off. Josh is finishing a puzzle at the table or something, and Nicole asks me if I am alright.

(Apparently, there was a bunch of heavy sighs and dark undereye circles and yawning on my part, and she picked up on it. I LOVE how with chicks you can be totally transparent because they can SEE you and just feel when something is off. Actually, no. I don't love that. I wish I could hide behind my mask of good manners and "I'm fine" and southern hospitality and deflection most of the time. But I can't with this chick. Which is sooooo good for me. But she's moving to TX, darn-it! Now I need to find someone else who will call me on my crap. I mean, shit. NO! I mean, junk. Messy, messy, poo poo junk. There. That's better.)

Anyhooooo, so I tell her that I've been a bitc....well, hold on. Josh is right there. "Uh, let's just say I've been a bee-otch to Ben tonight, and I'm feeling nasty about it." She nods knowingly, and we move on to another topic of conversation. About 5 minutes later Josh asks, "Mom, what's a bee-otchee?"

oh man.

"It means that Mom was being a jerk to Dad."

His eyes get all wide like I just ratted myself out for being a really, really naughty person. Which he has suspected this.whole.time. !!! He's actually enjoying this more than he should.

"Bedtime, sweetie."

and THAT, my friends, is keeping it real. Yo.

(why the distinct lack of funny Gillian-isms? Well, do you count "Mom! {rolling eyes} Whatever!" as funny? Me neither. Although, she charmed the pants off the doctors during her eye exam. She told them her favorite author is CS Lewis, that mysteries are her favorite "genre" of books, and that her favorite subjects in school are math and science. Lady Doc looked at me like I was a genius-baby-making-Motts-mama. Motts = 'Awesomesauce,' in case you're not as hip as us crazy kids these days.)

my kids are hilarious

2011-06-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

If you ever want to see pure terror in my little Jack Jack's eyes, just go through those car washes at the gas stations. He loses his mind with fear. At least that was what happened last summer. I thought maybe, just maybe, he'd outgrown that. So this past week after I filled up the tank, I bought a car wash.

I told the kids (in my most sing-song voice) "Ok, kids. Now Jack didn't like these last year. But hopefully he'll be ok today. Just act like you are having a good time and be real gentle with him."

Gillian and Josh start calling Jack a 'cutie' and talk about how brave he is. They ask him all about Thomas the Train (his obsession) to get him in a good mood. Gillian says, "I hope he doesn't freak out."

And as we turn the corner to enter the car wash, Jack yells out "I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!"

sigh. Poor baby. If I was a nice mom, I would've backed up and waited until Ben could watch him before I redeemed my wash. But apparently, I'm the meanest mommy ever.

He actually did better than last year. He was upset and cried a little bit. But it almost seemed like he got used to it or realized that it wasn't as big of a deal as he'd remembered. He's not totally over it though. On the way home from church today, Josh told him that if he didn't give him his toy back that Josh was going to take him to the car wash. (Did I mention we had just been at church? Way to be kind and considerate there, Josh.) And he pleaded with me with those big, puppy eyes of his to "No go a car wash!" I assured him that we were not going to the car wash today. And I heard him whisper to himself, "No freaking out."

When he's not picking on his brother or being the Best Present Opener EVER, Josh comes up with the funniest little lines. As I was folding clothes this week, Ben was putting them in the kids' dresser. He told Josh that he had a lot of pants. And Josh explained that "It's because I have two legs."

?!?!?!?!?!

It is seriously always a riot around here.

hey there

2011-05-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

Sneaking back onto this here ol' blog to say hi.

{hi}

Not much is new. I've just been busy. And kind of wanted to keep some stuff private for a while. I'm sure I'll get over it and blather on and on and on soon enough.

Here are some recent mentionables:

Josh's eardrum ruptured. Scared me to death. But he's all good and on the mend.
I've decided to keep Gillian home for school next year. She'll be getting the same education as she would if she were in a classroom except she'll be doing it from home. We're just trying something new. She had been asking me about it for a while, and this way we can do it without me freaking out about curriculums and tracking everything. Josh will stay in the classroom. For now.
I have lost a dress size and ran a 5k. That's right, I ran the whole dang thing. (A little bullet point doesn't seem to do this justice. Let's just say I rocked that run. And I'm gonna rock another someday.)
I've done a LOT in therapy recently. I know I harp on and on about this on here. And that it might make some of you squeemish or whatever. But I don't want to keep this junk a secret and pretend that it's not a part of my life. I'm fighting my way through it and will be better because of it. But for now, it feels like I'm drowning a lot of the time. Gonna get much more intense next week. eeep.

There. I've updated. Maybe I'll be on here more than once a month. Maybe I won't. If you don't hear from me, I'm cuddling with little ones, running around town and smiling. Coz smiling is my favorite.

sick and heartbroken

2011-04-18T15:49:00.000-07:00

{ugh}

These past couple of weeks have been HARD! We've had a bug in the house that has made everyone's insides come spilling out. (So don't come over. It's not you. It's me. No, really.) Jack had surgery last Monday to have his adnoids removed and tubes put in her ears. He did great. I was the one who was a mess. A friend of mine who had lost her baby girl at 35 weeks pregnant last year, lost her baby boy at 34 weeks almost exactly a year later. They were on vacation celebrating their daughter's tiny life when their little boy decided to join his sister in heaven. (Please pray for them.) Another friend just laid his younger brother to rest this past weekend. I lived with them for a few years back in college, and my heart just breaks for them. The brother was only 32 years old. (Pray for them too.)

I have found myself talking to God a lot. I spent the last two weeks sitting anxiously in a waiting room while they operated on my baby, cleaning insane amounts of puke (I'm pretty sure Josh ran through the house while waving his head as he puked one of the times), and laying very still in bed because if I moved, the room spun and my guts lurched. I was zapped. And while this was going on with me, my friends' lives were unraveling. I didn't know how to help them. I couldn't go be with them. I couldn't bring them food. I couldn't watch their kiddos. I couldn't even offer a hug. So I prayed. and prayed. and prayed. and asked others to pray.

I know that I was joining the choruses when I was praying for them too. I am blessed enough to know a LOT of people who make prayer a priority in their lives. They trust that God listens to us. That He desires to bless us. That His heart breaks when we are broken-hearted.

I believe that God is in control. I know that this is confusing when we lose those we love. Especially when they are so young. It's not that we live in denial about death. It's just that no one expects to have to deal with the loss of {another} late-term baby or a younger brother who had already survived so much and fought so hard to overcome some truly difficult junk. These things don't make any sense. And it makes it so so so hard to understand God's ways.

Please join me in praying for these families. And not just these families. There are, sadly, a lot of people mourning the loss of their loved ones and questioning God's sovereignty and goodness. and please pray that I have bleached and scrubbed this bug out of my house.

thank you.

my 6 year old charmer

2011-03-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, my sweet boy, Josh, turned 6. The weekend before, we had a party for him with some of his classmates from school. For the second year in a row, he asked for a Shark party. {He's my ocean-lovin' boy. I totally see him surfing someday.}

I didn't have a lot of time to plan his party. {Well, I guess I knew 365 days in advance when his next bday would be. I just totally spaced and forgot to work a party into the budget. I sent out invitations less than a week before the party and had to come up with something he'd enjoy with only $20. Ben was being generous finding that much to spare. So I got creative. Which, I guess, isn't that big of a stretch for me. But still!}

Some of the games we've played before. I cut out a shark-ish shape from blue posterboard, (the dollar store has them 2 for $1!) and we played Pin the Fin on the Shark. We also bought some sheets of shark stickers and put them in balloons before blowing them up. Then I handed out toothpicks and let the kids Bust the Balloons to get their prize. One poor little guy had to leave the room. He is NOT a fan of loud, balloon-popping noises.

I cut out a shark mouth from some foam board and hung it up in front of our fireplace. We called this Feed the Shark. The kids took turns throwing balls into the mouth. This was probably the game the kids liked the most. Being encouraged to throw things in the house? Who wouldn't love that?!

For the cake, I arranged some cupcakes in the shape of a shark. Well, shark-ish. I also filled up some clear cups with blue jello and put a gummy shark in each for the kids to snack on too. I didn't get a picture of it, and I wish I had because it was pretty cute. Then I took the leftover gummies and had Josh arrange them around the cupcakes with some seashells and plastic plants that you put in fishtanks.

The dollar store (again) had a package of these paper fish-shapes in their school supplies section. I hung them up from the ceiling fan. When I turned the fan on low, it cast all this fun, shadowy movement around the room. As if we were in an actual aquarium.

Extreme closeup!!! Yes, those are silver sprinkles (!!!)

My kids helped me come up with these cute goody bags for the party guests. We cut off the tops of some Ziploc baggies and filled them with party blowers/noise-makers, stickers, fruit rollups, and a note from Josh thanking them for coming to his party. Then we tied ribbon around the tops and the kids put stickers on the outside of the bags. The shark protected them from being snatched up before the end of the party. :)

This was another game we played. Gillian called it Fishing for Fish. I taped a line of twine to a stick and attached a clip to the end of the line. I then taped a piece of candy onto the back sides of some more of those paper fish. I crouched down on one side of our couch, and the kids lined up on the other side. They'd cast over the couch, and I'd attach a fish to their line. So simple. And so cute.

Arrr you having a fun birthday, Josh?

I think that smile says it all. <3

He's been such a charmer recently. Yesterday, I was drawn outside for my workout. I just couldn't bring myself to go to the gym with all that warm, buttery sunshine calling my name. So after I picked up Josh from school, we put Jack in the stroller and walked over to the library. It's only a mile away, and of course we sloooowed way down once we got there so that we could browse all the books, but I still called it my workout for the day. As a reward for walking with me, I let Josh get his very own library card. He was so excited when he scanned it and "Welcome, Josh" popped up on the computer screen for him to check out his books.

{He fell asleep last night still holding his library card.}

We collected fallen branches on the walk home and put them in a vase on our kitchen table to remind ourselves of our fun little outing. As we were walking home, Josh was skipping behind me, stopping every once in a while to pick up just the right branch. Out of nowhere, he says, "I'm happy." He wasn't really telling me. Just saying it because he felt it. The best part of my day was hearing him say that.

Then today, as we were getting out of the car after picking Josh up from school, he saw me loaded up with jackets and his backpack and chicken costume. (Today, the students at his school got to dress up as cartoon characters. He chose Chicken Little. Gillian had me sew her a magician's hat yesterday because she wanted to dress up as Presto, the magician from the 80s cartoon, Dungeons and Dragons. Seriously.) I was trying to balance all this stuff and get Jack out of his carseat, and Josh came up and offered to carry all of his stuff inside. He beamed when I told him that it was a very gentlemanly thing to do.

THEN, this afternoon, he told me that my diet is working because I seem 'straighter' to him.

Oh that boy.

Follow Your Heart...not!

2011-03-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, our pastor talked about repentance. He said that repentance starts in the heart. Our sin needs to make us sad. We need to feel remorse. We need to agree with God that this sin is messing us up rather than attack God and His character because He says we can't have what we think we need or want or deserve.

There is a point of view that says that we can go ahead and sin since God created us with that particular bent toward that particular sin. That we are born a certain way and have no choice but to give in to our instincts.

We need to quit blaming something or someone else for our attitudes and behaviors. We need to own up when we mess up. Not minimize or justify it. We are not entitled to go around contining in our sin, getting ticked off when it screws up our lives. (speaking from experience here.)

I haven't yet been successful in ridding myself of sin. and I'm certain that I am not the exception to all the generations of people who have ever existed. I will sin. I will make a royal mess of my life. But I will NOT give up trying to abstain from the things that God says are bad for me. Though I will likely resist at first. I'm going to trust God and not the way I feel about it.

Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Don’t follow your heart! You must lead it. As 1 Samuel 7:3 says "direct your heart to the Lord."

Paster Mike said it this way: "You have no control over the future. You life hangs in the hands of God. We are here, not because we are masters of our fate, nor because we are the captain of our soul, but because Jesus Christ holds all things together.

Every time you and I sin, we must direct our heart, we must reorient our hearts to God. Instead of saying, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul,” we say, “Lord, You are the Master of my fate. You, Father, are the captain of my soul.”

Trinkets vs. Relationship

2011-03-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

We've gone to a new church for the past two weekends. We are really liking it. A lot. The pastor had coffee with Ben this afternoon. I'm so grateful for people in our lives that will reach out to us like that. I'm going to their Women's Bible Study tonight on Proverbs 31. I'm really excited to be in a ladies small group again.

The two sermons that we've heard at this church were on 1 Samuel. Two weeks ago, Pastor Mike talked about 1 Samuel 3 and how Eli was asleep in the dark while Samuel had positioned himself by the light. Samuel was called to serve God, and Eli's end - and ultimate seperation from God - was foretold. This past weekend our pastor discussed 1 Samuel 4, where the Israelites were in a battle with the Philistines, and they brought the Ark of the Covenant into the battle thinking that they could use it as a good luck charm to win the battle. They remembered how God had told Joshua to carry it around Jericho right before Jericho fell.

They had missed the point. They weren't relying on God. They were treating the Ark as a trinket to be manipulated and used against their enemies.

I'm no better. I will neglect God, and then read my Bible for an hour, expecting Him to show up and solve all my problems when (and only when) my own means don't do anything. As if reading the Bible summons The Great Almighty. As if reading my Bible tricks God into thinking I have done my part to build a relationship with Him, and now He needs to get on the ball and make some of those promises come true. It's all so very disrespectful. As Pastor Mike said, "That’s not faith. That’s manipulation at its worst, and superstition at its best. "

God let the Ark get captured by the Philistines. He allowed many thousands of Israelites to lose their lives. Because "God wasn't going to let them profane His worship any longer."

One of the best parts of the sermon was when Pastor Mike said this:

In his fabulous little commentary on 1 Samuel, Dale Ralph Davis writes this, which in my opinion, sheds a lot of light on these questions: “The text forces two important implications upon us: Yahweh will suffer shame rather than allow you to carry on a false relationship with him; and Yahweh will allow you to be disappointed with him if it will awaken you to the sort of God he really is,” (1 Samuel, 55).

See, the people thought that they couldn’t lose the battle with the ark in their camp. They had begun to place their hope in an object instead of in God. Even more, they had begun to see God as an object to be used instead of the Lord who needs to be worshiped.

And God was not willing to allow them to stay in that place.

You see, God will allow us to misunderstand His intentions and be disappointed in Him for a time, in order to bring us into correct relationship with Himself."

If you'd like to hear more, you can go here to hear the whole sermon.

God-Lite

2011-03-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

I started a diet about a week ago. I also joined a gym, which is a first for me. Let me tell you - it's been awesome!!! I love reading my Nook while busting it on the treadmill or listening to a song or two from the LOST Season 4 Soundtrack while sweating like a pig in the steam room. Jack LOVES the Kid Club area which is a bonus. It's nice to actually do something that I hope will result in less back pain and a healthier me.

Yesterday after church, I picked the kids up some lunch from the golden arches. They asked for pies. (Seriously, pies! I tried to convince them to get a burger or something to go with their pies, but honestly, that's just bad with a side of awful. So I let them have pies for lunch!)

Obviously, I didn't have any pie. (If I'm going to screw up my diet, it's gonna be on the Girl Scout cookies I have in my freezer that I bought from a dear friend and not on a silly McD's pie!) But the SMELL of the pies in the car as the kids were enjoying them was just strong enough to let me know that they would TASTE pretty yummy. The smell of the pies gave me a hint of what my taste buds would have enjoyed had I taken a bite.

And I realized that I experience God in sort of the same way.

When I went shopping for groceries last, I picked up fat-free sour cream, 75% fat-free cheese, skim milk, light mayo, sugar-free pudding. Smelling that hint of apple pie made me wonder whether I have a Light God. Maybe an anger-free God. Or a wrath-free God. Or a 75% good God.

I have always been aware that my understanding of God, my 'version' of God, is just a hint of Him. That when I die and go to heaven and meet Him face to face, I will meet THE GOD, exactly and 100% as He is. Full-Authority God. 100% Evil-Free God. 100% Love and Grace God. High in Justice and Mercy. Saturated with Good and Holiness and Righteousness.

My hint of Him, my blurry, static-y, light version of Him makes me incredibly terrified and overwhelmingly eager to meet the whole Him! I can hardly imagine Him being MORE than how I 'see' Him now. But won't it be awesome (!!!!!) to be able to experience Him exactly how He is!!! Better than actually biting into that McD's apple pie, I'm sure.

fully living life

2011-02-15T13:24:00.000-08:00

First, go here and read about this amazingly brave chick with cancer.

Then, go to THIS link and prayerfully consider helping her out. I haven't been able to get her off my mind and can't wait to read about how she enjoys her trip to Africa, holding babies, learning to knit, volunteering, getting her hand tattoo'd! (Gillian is super eager to hear whether she actually gets to pet a lion!)

and if you can't donate, at least please pray for Crystal and the team flying out to Africa in two weeks. That everyone involved would hear God's love song and sing along.

Dear Gillian

2011-02-14T13:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Gillian,

Honey, I am so proud of you. You are a sweet, kind, loving young girl. You are so smart and imaginative. You are beautiful inside and out. You are very friendly and always try to involve everyone when you have a fun idea.

I know that when we moved here, and you had to start first grade at a new school that you were a little nervous. You had heard of bullies before and were afraid that this school might have some. What relief when you came home that first day of school after hearing your principal say that your school was to be a Bully-Free zone!! I remember your words exactly - "Mom! Bullies aren't even allowed at my school!"

I'm so sorry that you have been let down.

As your mom, there is a part of me that wants to drop-kick some of your classmates. There's also a teeny-tiny part of me (the chicken part of me) that wishes that you could be 'you' at home and that you could be whoever it took for your classmates to leave you alone at school. But mostly, I am sad. I am sad that kids get picked on. I am sad that those mean kids aren't even giving you a chance. I am sad that a lot of kids who do actually like you and have fun with you end up following the loudest bullies because they are afraid that they will be bullied if they stand up for you. and I am sad that they make you doubt how incredible you truly are.

I LOVE that you march to the beat of your own drum. That you aren't just like every other little girl out there. I love that you love Jesus and that you aren't afraid to tell everyone you meet about Him. I pray that your classmates don't ever steal that away from you. I pray that you don't let them change you. That you continue to gallop like you are a knight on a horse during recess because you like it, and it makes you feel strong and brave. That you feel free to wear that dress that makes you feel like a Narnian queen. I pray that you continue to sing with your whole body. I pray that you continue to be friends with that sweet girl who everyone picks on, even though they pick on you for being her friend.

You are enough! You are worthy! You are incredible! You are lovable and special and unique and amazing! You ARE wanted. You ARE a joy to be around. You ARE lovely. No matter who says you aren't. and I'm not just saying that because you are my daughter. Ask around. You are VERY loved and adored! But I am so blessed to get to be your mom. God must REALLY love me. and I know that He REALLY loves you.

School can be tough. Everyone is figuring out where they fit on the totem pole of the world. Fix yourself to the things that God says are important. Kids will say things they don't mean to see what your reaction will be. They might be trying to find out if they have any sort of power or control over you. If they discover that they can upset you, they will know where to go when they need to do something awful to someone. I imagine that a lot of the time, they are hurting too and just need to feel powerful for a little bit. For some weird reason, it makes them feel better. I know that I have said my fair share of things that were hurtful because I felt empty and afraid. I don't want to defend your classmates' despicable behavior, but please continue to be gentle. Be compassionate. You don't have to be friends with everyone, and you don't have to put up with anyone trying to tear you to shreds. But be kind. Don't let them bring you down to their level. Treat people the way you want them to treat you. And hopefully they will.

I love you dearly.
mom

Happy Park Day and Happy Love Day

2011-02-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day! Love, the most handsome Josh ever!!!!

He insisted on wearing a tie and his hair spiked today to his class's Valentine's party. Wonder if he was trying to impress anyone in particular....

Yesterday was SOOO nice outside, so we packed up a picnic lunch and walked over the park. Yes, there's snow everywhere still, but it was nearly 65 degrees in the sun! Jack has been feeling yucky for the past few days, and I thought he could use some good ol' Vitamin D from the sun. It's been so cold recently that I haven't been taking many photos. It was really fun to follow the kids around with my camera as they played. I've missed it!

+wink+

Josh loves pjs almost as much as I do. Almost.

Eat your heart out, girls! These lashes are for real!

l o v e

be mine

2011-02-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

My mom sent us a package for Valentine's Day, and we got it today. They each got these little ladybugs from Hallmark that have a zippered pouch on the back to put stuff (who am I kidding? It's for candy!) in and little clothspin-like hands that you can put little notes in. I'm pretty sure I will be making little flags that say something like "Way to Go, Josh!" and "Great job, Jack!" and "I knew you could do it, Gillian!" for their little bugs to hold and cheer them on. So cute! Of course, my mom already filled them with a ton of candy and a little notepad and glitter (!) gel pen. oh yeah.

She also sent us a tin of Williams & Sonoma shaved chocolate. Similar to hot chocolate, but it isn't a powder, it's shaved (oh my goodness!) chocolate! dude. I love drinkable desserts. Yummo!

Hug a Teenager

2011-02-07T15:31:00.000-08:00

I'm declaring now until forever "Hug a Teenager" season. I was thinking over the weekend about my teen years, and I remembered all these times of doubt, awkwardness, heartbreak, confusion, frustration and downright despair. I had a huge, stinking pile of teenage angst. I cut my eyelashes short with a straight blade. I plucked out each and every one of my leg hairs with tweezers over a weekend when I was grounded to my bedroom. I got into self-mutilation and holding my breath so long I'd fall over. I had some really messed up ideas for decorating my body that would give you nightmares so I'll spare you. I constantly thought about suicide. I thought it was poetic, even beautiful. I thought it would be able to say all those things that I couldn't vocalize. I'm grateful for the release being in band offered. And for a handful of teachers who noticed my struggle and were instrumental in keeping me from going off the deep end.
It's not like I wasn't completely and absolutely loved. I knew my family had my back. I knew they'd support me. I knew they'd forgive me and be there for me if I made a huge mistake. And yet I still went through all of that crap. If someone from that kind of upbringing can go through so much darkness, how are all the kids who don't have that kind of support supposed to make it?

I'm sure there are some teenagers who simply fly though their season of whacked hormones and bodily changes, who find it fairly natural and exciting to try out their new-found theories on life, who aren't drowning in fear and loathing. I think for some kids high school is a collection of trophies for jobs well done and wins on the football field and popularity for being hilarious or beautiful or athletic. They may never find that kind of affirmation after graduation. In the real world, they may be shocked to find out that they are just a small fish in a big pond, and they dream of going back to the glory days of high school. There have got to be kids who find it exhilarating to skate around on the ice of uncertainty about life out from under the direction and protection of their parents; those who thrive as they discover who they are and what they want to do for the rest of their lives. I just didn't know many of those kids. I certainly wasn't one of them.

People used to tell me that my high school years were supposed to be the best years of my life. Really?! Does that mean it's all downhill from here on out? I've reached my peak? Nothing else to look forward to? That was the worst possible thing anyone could have told me. Honestly, I couldn't imagine anything worse than high school. So I dreaded growing up. I needed to hear that high school can be brutal, but that it will one day be over - that it can get much, much, MUCH better after graduation.

I think a lot of teens need to have that hope that things can get better. That life isn't like high school. That they will someday grow into their new legs and that they will discover what works for them and what doesn't work. I think kids need to be told that after high school, they won't be judged as harshly. They won't be watched as closely. That if they don't fit into this small little box that it's ok, and they're not freaks. That they are capable of making smart decisions. That those decisions aren't always as life-and-death as they think they are. That most things aren't as big of a deal as they seem in high school.

I wish I had grown up knowing God. I knew of God. But I didn't know Him. What I did know terrified me. I hoped it wasn't true. I didn't want some all-powerful guy watching every move I made, judging it to be right or wrong. I thought He must have some nerve, some weird power-struggle. Who the heck was He to tell me what was right or wrong for me?! If I wasn't fearing Him, I was angry at Him for making people make stupid, oppressive choices for their lives which they then pushed on me. Most of my family were believers though, so I couldn't just ignore Him. They didn't really push Him on me. But they didn't seem put off by Him, so I always kind of hoped that He'd turn out to be more than I'd grown up thinking He was. I thought that for my family to continue to worship Him, I must have some bad intel or something. But for a long time, I didn't try to find out what the big deal was. I tried to figure things out on my own and never felt like I was doing a good enough job. I was still so driven by fear and confusion and trying to liked by my peers.

If I had known Him in high school, I would have realized that I am indeed loved. By more than my relatives. That He thinks I have potential. That He smiles when He thinks of me. That He is gentle and patient with me. That He only wants me to avoid certain things because they could hurt me. That He wants me to pursue other certain things because they will help me and others. {THAT I DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID!} That He is never too busy for me. That He will always make time for me. That my secrets are safe with Him. That He knows my strengths and my weaknesses. That He knows that life as a human is HARD. That He knows rejection and heartbreak. But He IS hope. He IS the source of joy. He IS worship. Life can be downright GOOD with Him.

So hug a teenager. They are going through some stuff! Point them to God because He will NOT fail them. If He says you are lovable, you can take it to the bank. You can let that kind of assurance flood your heart and become truth. Undeniable. When everything else in life seems soooo up in the air...God is faithful, and He will help you figure out who you were always meant to be.

Brrrr!

2011-02-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

Hey Folks!

I've just hacked my way through the snow to get these photos. I'm from Texas, ya'll! I'm NOT a fan of the snow. But I AM a fan of pretty pictures and making the most of whatever weather we're given. So we've gone sledding and played in the yard a bit this winter. Not too much, but a bit.

Bundle up and stay warm! I'm gonna go look in my cabinet for sunscreen so I can smell it and trick myself into thinking it's tank top and flip flop weather.

Level Up

2011-02-02T14:24:00.000-08:00

About a year ago, I wrote this post about starting counseling to learn how to deal with some of my past trauma. This week, my counselor told me that she thinks it's time for me to take the next step forward. To start some of the intense healing stuff. I don't really know what that'll look like, but I know that this is a new stage in the process.

It was really nice to hear. I mean, I'm certainly nervous about just how 'intense' things are gonna get. But I feel like all the work I've been doing has just been affirmed. It has led me to this new level. (Is it weird that I keep imagining it as graduating from Kindergarden?) I definately can see a difference in the way I handle/experience stress since I first started going last April. But to actually hear from a professional that she thinks I'm ready has really boosted my confidence.

I love it when you can track progress like a map. I love little concrete markers. When I have to pack for a long road trip or something, I always make a list and check things off as I get them packed. I tell my counselor all the time that I wish there was a set list of steps that I could take where I could tangibly see my progress and be able to know what I still have yet to do. But it doesn't work like that. It's so maddeningly subjective. I realize that it should be dependent on the individual. That one person will react to trauma completely differently from another person. I appreciate the more individualized therapy. Really, I do. It's just frustrating to me that not only can I not keep track of my progress on a chart, there isn't even a chart! 'Healing' for me might look different for someone else. When we first met, my counselor had me write out a list of goals that I hoped to accomplish through therapy. We've been working towards those. But we can't even chart that because as I get further along in the process, my goals are evolving. I'm realizing that I don't have to sell myself short. That I can really reach for something that I hadn't the foggiest clue that I could hope for before I started. So as I'm growing, so are my goals. Pretty exciting!

take the time

2011-01-19T12:47:00.000-08:00

tick. tick. tick.

three seconds. gone.

tick. tick. tick.

three more.

what am I doing with my life?

{the following is a major mind dump. I'm not completely on board with everything that I'm about to say. I'm just thinking outloud. some of it likely isn't true at all. some of it may be far more accurate that I'm willing to admit. so take it for what it's worth. this is just a peek into what's marinating in my brain right now}

why do I rush through everything like a tornado? why is it that when my husband or my children see me in this rushed mode that they know to just back away and leave me alone? what in the world have I done wrong that they don't feel free to just come to me? don't they know that they are much {MUCH} much more important than my laundry being put in the drawers or the dishes scrubbed? I'm afraid my actions have said otherwise.

why am I distracting myself with all this nonsense? yes, the dishes need to be cleaned. yes, the laundry needs to be washed and put away.  but even though I get those things done (for the most part), afterwards I'm still seeking something else to distract me.

I'm not focusing on my family; I'm reading a book. I'm not praying to God; I'm flipping through a magazine. I'm not taking the time to meditate on Scripture. to shut up long enough to hear the Holy Spirit. I'm not giving God a chance to change me. I'm escaping. even when I'm doing my chores, my brain is busy worrying about stuff. I'm just plowing through life, finding things to occupy my mind and my body and then convincing myself that I've been productive at the end of the day when my body feels like it'll break. must have been a good day. I must have gotten a ton done. why else would my body scream and ache from effort like this?

please hear me. I'm not suggesting that you or I neglect our houses. or to deny ourselves a good book or inspiration from a magazine or a looooooooong soak in the tub with our ears underwater so the day gets drowned out. we are 'allowed' breathing room in our daily lives. I'm sure of it. Jesus took time to be alone. but I also KNOW me. and I'm thanking God with my lips but not with my heart. I'm reading Scripture as if the words themselves aren't alive with power. I'm glossing over the meanings just to check off some quantity. I'm doing my duty. I'm praying without any faith at all. let's be real here. I'm praying with hope. but not with any actual faith. it's almost like I'm praying out of guilt about not really spending any worthwhile time with God.

I believe in God. I believe God. I trust God. I have put faith in Him and His words and His ways and His plan. or at least, I did. you wouldn't be able to tell by watching me these days. I used to spend a great deal of time praying. just talking to God. just pouring out my life to Him. it used to be easy. but now I'm so burdened with life that it feels like a struggle to pray like that. it used to be such a joy to cook for my family. now I just want to buy a $5 pizza and rush everyone off to bed. same with my prayer life. I want these silly drive-thru prayers to be enough. to sustain God. almost to sedate Him. leave me alone. I prayed. You don't have to pay any attention to me. I'm doing my duty. Go focus on someone who really needs You.

no wonder He won't leave me alone. I need Him so badly. so so so desperately.

it's weird because I realize that I haven't been able to shake Him. even though I've tried. like something huge is around the corner and once I give in and let Him take over, my whole life is gonna change. that He's after me for some reason other than He loves me and will pursue me if I run away. but I'm trying to just go about my business and continue to not notice how shallow my faith is. I'll revive it later. when I have more time to myself. when I can hear myself think again. right now, I'm just so exhausted. if you really wanted me to focus on You, You could just magically wash the dishes for me, couldn't You? or quiet the kids. or make manna appear on my table. oh, but You gotta make it look appetizing or else my family won't eat it. wait, You mean You expect me to MAKE time for You? for You and this life that I'm living? Good one. What is this? April 1st?

I know it seems so stupid of me that I'd even be having this struggle. I mean, it's obvious that I need to make time for God. that it won't always be easy. nothing about life seems easy. I need to quit trying to force it to be comfortable and easy and start just leaning on God when it gets hard. I can't avoid the messy stuff. no matter how much I wall up my heart and only tread in the kiddie pool of the Christian life. and I know that I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. that RIGHT NOW is a gift that shouldn't be taken for granted. that if I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something for God, that I need to do it now and not wait for a better opportunity. because that time may never come. I feel like I'm wasting my time. God's time.

I'm not saying that I believe that I need to be out there saving the world. I used to feel that way. I used to think that my work at home - making a safe place for my family to be accepted and loved and clothed and fed, a place where they could make mistakes and we'd hold their hand while they were enduring the consequences, where they learned to love and accept and clothe and feed others - wasn't what I was saved to do. that it wasn't enough. I thought that I needed to sell everything I owned and move to a third-world country and clean out smelly, oozing wounds. I know better now. yes, God absolutely wants me to help and love people. He wants me to live modestly so that I can give extravagantly. I know that because that's what Jesus did. but I don't think He wants me to move to a foreign country anymore. at least not right now. mostly because He saw my heart about it. I was sick with pride about it. Sick in thinking that if I did that, I'd be super duper admired by the Christian community. that there'd be books about me. that I'd be on the cover of, like, ten Christianity Today's. that I'd somehow earn my way into Heaven. or if not Heaven, because we all know that Jesus is Heaven's bouncer and if He doesn't recognize us, we're not getting in no matter what we did on earth, then some mansion in Heaven.  because maybe if I brought down fevers and held the hands of the dying and lived meagerly I'd earn big shot status in Heaven. Can you see now why God is keeping me from such nonsense? I'm not loving anyone with that kind of heart.

sick.

I need God to come clean out the smelly, oozing wound of my heart. To hold my hand and bring down the fever of bloated pride. to humble me.  (I just got a chill. did you feel that? I just asked God to humble me. oh crap!)

but I also need to draw close to God. to slow down and listen for Him. and take the time to appreciate the right now. I need to learn to not just live in blacks and whites. I need to learn to live in the grey. I think in extremes and keep myself from doing some things because I think of it in terms of 'either' and 'or.' either I spend time with God and neglect my home or I spend my time on my home and neglect God. but I'm pretty sure that I can do both. I just need to figure out how. I need to let God help me with that. and to not stop until I figure it out. to not stop when it gets hard. to not stop. I need to take the time. take it back from all the things that try to distract me. and give myself enough grace to enjoy a good distraction every once in a while.

post, darnit, post!

2011-01-18T16:27:00.000-08:00

I think often about this little ol' blog. This poor, neglected blog. But I can't ever think of what to write anymore.

sooooo...

how are you guys?

My 2 year old went #2 in the potty for the first time this morning. Made my day. Now can you see why I have nothing to write about? Poop. Makes. My. Day.

sigh.

On another note, I'm keeping up with writing my list of 1000 things to be grateful for. And I'm thanking God for more and more everyday things as I notice them. The other day I thanked God three seperate times before I had even gotten out of bed. Are you joining me in coming up with 1000 things you are grateful for? If so, isn't it the best?! If not, what are you waiting for?

Last Friday was our 9th anniversary. My husband and I went out and had sushi. It was bliss. Raw fish bliss. Raw fish does it for us. We are raw fish junkies. Oh so good. It's been an adventurous 9 years. It hasn't been easy for either one of us. But we love each other and so we try really hard. and it's worth it. and we've learned so much about each other and ourselves. When I said my vows years ago, I had no idea what I was signing up for. I can't even begin to imagine life without my husband. I love that man so freaking much. I'm so glad he comes home to me every day. He has taught me so much in our 9 years together. Mostly that I can be a selfish brat who judges first and apologizes later. Way later. After being bitter has run its course. We've both been slow in opening up to each other. I think mostly because we're still trying to discover ourselves. And it's hard to define something that is still growing. and we've both been hurt so we're stingy with our hearts. Afraid of getting hurt again. But we're slowing letting go and realizing that our spouse will take good care of us. I am excited to see what the next 9 years brings and to see how far we've grown {together} in that time.

Guess that's it for now. Have a great day.

be the change

2011-01-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

In my counseling session last week, my therapist asked me how my siblings and I acted when we went to a family get-together when we were growing up. When we visited my mom's side of the family, there was this unspoken expectation that we behave as if we had it all together. I don't ever remember being told to act this way. We just assumed that Mom wanted our family to be presented in the best possible light. We sat like ducks in a row and didn't mention if we were having relationship problems or struggles with school or if our parents' rules were soooo unfair. We were just to smile and nod.

When we visited my dad's side, we acted like we had it all together because it was the one place on earth where we could escape from our doubts, our insecurities, our problems and just act happy. Being with them was the happiest place on earth. We didn't want to mess with that. We didn't want to tarnish it with our faults and fears. We kept it sacred.

Different motivations. Same results.

My therapist then asked if my kids behave as if they assume a particular expectation comes from me or Ben. I thought about it and realized that my kids DO an awful lot of smiling and nodding when they are around others. They make nice, play well with their cousins (for the most part), and only discuss those things that they think will impress their family and friends. They show off how much they're learning in school. They don't bring up the fact that they have been bullied or have accidents at night and have to wear Pull Ups.

I've never sat them down and told them to behave this way. I've never told them that only pleasant conversations should happen around family and friends. They must have picked it up from watching me.

We model allllll kinds of stuff to our kids. Good and bad. I want my kids to feel free to be themselves at all times. I don't want them to feel the need to dress up their lives. Don't get me wrong - they are still to choose wisely and have manners and treat people the way they want to be treated. But I want them to have the freedom to speak up if they need and maybe ask a family member for advice. I want them to feel like they can confide in their loved ones. I want them to feel free to cry if they need to cry. I realize that there is a time and place for certain conversations. And that no one likes a Debbie Downer all the time. But the only way my kids will feel the freedom to do this is if I do it. My example will give them the permission they need to be authentic WAY more than my words could.

I get frustrated when people dress up their lives. It makes me feel like they expect me to dress up my life. That if I don't I will be considered too high maintenance for them to get involved with. But sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone to be me around. I don't want to pretend that life is always easy. (Fyi, it isn't! For anyone.) Because then others will expect that their lives should be easy and will feel awkward when they actually need to vent/talk/cry/scream.

So....

In the spirit of un-dressing my life, I would like to offer you the following. Now you'll have NO reason not to be YOU around me.

I fart and poop sometimes. Neither smell like roses.
I can cuss like a sailor and eat like a trucker.
Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth and hair all day. There have even been times when I've forgotten for a whole week.
I rip off and then eat the cuticles around my fingernails.
I blame others for my circumstances even if they are completely within my power to change.
I HATE it when someone tries to convince me of their point of view by starting their statement with the word "Look..." I find it dismissive and disrespectful.
I am way too easily annoyed by my husband. WAY too easily. (He starts off his statements with "Look..." a lot.)
I would much rather be uncomfortable and you be comfortable than for me to be comfortable and you be uncomfortable. This has led me to say things that I didn't mean because I was afraid my true opinion might make someone uncomfortable. It has also led me to let some people treat me like poop.
I would rather guess at my diagnosis and rummage through my house for a 'treatment,' or suck it up and WILL myself well, than see a doctor.
I dismiss myself far too often.
I have a LOT of grey hair.
I can be very, very stubborn once I've made up my mind. This can be both a pro and a con.
The scars on my body are like a road map through my life. Some point to deep pain. Others lead me to remember times of great risk and joy. I have a trio of scars shaped like crosses on my upper thigh. I remember doing it. I wasn't a Christian at the time but was drawn to the sacrifice made on the Cross.
My children have watched many episodes of The Simpsons. Josh quoted Homer this morning during breakfast.
I only ate lunch in the cafeteria during my freshman year of high school. I spent the next three years of lunchtimes in the band hall. I went to read, write, practice my flute, or sing my brains out when I thought no one was listening. The band director gave me a key to the band hall because he was wise enough to realize that I wouldn't have survived high school without that break during the middle of my day.
I mostly listen to klove or WayFM in the car. I also listen to a LOT of film scores. And when I'm alone in the car, I totally rock out to Ke$ha's 'Hole in the Wall' because it is filthy, and I like that sometimes.
I have yet to read through the entire Bible.
I prefer salty to sweet. Except when I'm sad. Then all I can think about is truckloads of cookies and chocolate.
If I had ever had twins, I would have named them Oliver and Olivia and called them Ollie and Liv. I like the names so much that I have started to write a children's fictional series with them as the main characters. Don't expect to see them in the bookstores. They're pretty much just for me.
I have eaten monkey brains right out of the skull. I have no idea where I was when it happened. But I have seen photographic proof. This is evidence that I will try just about anything that could remotely be considered edible. It is also evidence that I used to get so wasted that I didn't make very smart choices.
I don't feel like I'm done getting tattoos.
I have a BAD case of gingivitis. I can be talking, and my gums will start to bleed. I don't have just a little 'pink in the sink.' After brushing my teeth, it looks like I've slaughtered a lamb.

There. If you want to know anything else, just ask. I ain't scared. I can't expect you to be authentic with me if I can't be authentic with you. I'm being the change I want to see. Trying to be a better model. :)

If you're happy and you know it

2011-01-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

I am growing more and more acutely aware that I am keeping myself from experiencing JOY in my life because I have not yet adopted a heart that is full of thanksgiving. I’ve become a Glass Half Empty type of person. I had always considered myself a Glass Half Full person until recently.

I have built a cocoon around myself; a hard, calloused layer of armor. It was intended to insulate myself from a particular pain, but I’m finding it extraordinarily difficult to access my feelings and my heart. It’s not just that I don’t want to come out of my shell; I’m not sure I know how anymore.

There have been times recently when I was aware of my lack of emotional response to something that warranted one. I’m not sure what it would take for me to feel my feelings. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. I do realize that this is the beginning of the year and that my body has these weird memories of my attacks that pop up and influence my mood during the first half of the year. It has been cloudy. And cold. I understand that I just packed up the Christmas stuff, and I truly hate doing that. (One of these years, I'm just going to leave it up all year round just because I love to look at it! Well, not necessarily the santas and snowmen and snowflakes. But I could use more twinkly lights and reminders of Jesus around my house everyday.) I know that I've been in a lot more pain recently and haven't been sleeping as well because of it. I know all this. and I'm sure it all plays a role. But I've been kind of pissy for a whole year or so. Even when it was warm. Even when I felt better. I think it's because I haven't been taking the time to be grateful.
I have the sense that God is nagging me. Whispering of His love. Telling me that He wants more for me. More from me. Letting me know that I’ve been distracted by my attempts to fill my brain with theological questions and answers rather than offering my mess of a heart to Him. He’s made it clear to me that He has noticed my eagerness to learn more about Him, but that I haven’t let any of this new understanding touch my heart, my behavior, or my attitudes. He has pointed out that I am not a very grateful person. That my fears and my anxieties and my complaints are all reflective of a heart that isn’t satisfied with what He has given me. That I’m essentially saying that He isn’t enough.

With my brain and my lips, I would tell you that God certainly IS enough. But I’m not saying that with my life. Why am I resistant to all the good He wants to pour out to me? Why do I run when I feel Him near? I can tell that He wants so badly for me to just stop everything I’m doing and rest in Him. To stop and acknowledge all that I have instead of staring longingly at what I wish I had. It’s stealing my joy. It’s keeping me from living with thanksgiving in my heart. It’s keeping me from really knowing God.

So, taking the advice of Ann from A Holy Experience blog (I’m reading her book, One Thousand Gifts. Ah-mazing!), I’m starting a list. In her book, she writes that a friend dared her to write down one thousand things that she was grateful for. She did, and it changed her life.

Growing up, my brother and I spent every other weekend at my dad’s place. He had a book that I often gravitated toward. I read through it all the time. It was called 14,000 Things To Be Happy About. I'm thinking my list will be similar to that.

If I take the time to notice and thank God for all the little things around me that make me happy, I hope to strengthen my relationship with Him. I hope to adopt a more thankful heart. and I expect to experience more joy. Some examples from my list are "the smell of bread baking," "my kids laughing," "falling asleep with the windows open during a thunderstorm." (Don't you feel better already?!)

So, I'm daring you too. Write down 1,000 things that make you happy. And take the time to thank God for them. And then let me know how it goes.

o come o come emmanuel

2010-12-23T20:59:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!!!!!!

prayer. again.

2010-12-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

That's right. Another post about prayer. I just wanted to share my excitement.

For the past few months, I had really been struggling with trying to see where prayer fit in my life. I struggled with knowing what kinds of prayers were appropriate and which, if any, were insulting to God. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out whether I was using my prayer life as a means to feel like I was being a compassionate Christian. I was worried that I was neglecting my job to be Christ's hands and feet by simply praying for people's needs to be met that were completely within my ability to help.

But I've come to a conclusion.

I need to pray about EVERYTHING! (yea, I know. Phillipians 4:6 should've been my first clue. And 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, 1 John 5:14-15, and Psalm 55:22 should have sealed the deal.)

It doesn't matter if I think I sound like a turd. It doesn't matter if I sound like a brat. It doesn't matter if I sound lazy or clueless or whiny. I need to share every part of my life with God. It's what He wants. He doesn't want me to hold back because I'm unsure. He wants me to share my insecurity with Him. He doesn't want me to hold back because I'm worried that I'll sound ridiculous. He wants me to be humble and trusting. He wants me to acknowledge my need for Him and my desire to have Him saturate every last speck of my existance.

I used to do this. I used to share nearly every little thought I had with my Heavenly Father. It was so effortless, and I loved trusting that God was there for me. I loved being able to turn to Him when I had fears or doubts. I loved being able to share my excitement and wonder with Him over what was happening in my life. I felt like no matter what, He was there for me.

For whatever reason, a few months ago I started to doubt that. I got nervous that what I had been doing was wrong. I was worried that I was being disrespectful or greedy. I questioned whether God was actually interested in every little detail of my life. So I took a tiny step back to reexamine what God says about prayer.

And I found out that He really, really, really wants us to share our hearts, minds and soul with Him. Every little bit of it. I read somewhere that praying is like 'pouring out our souls' to God. Well, that's what I HAD been doing before I got all self-conscience and doubtful.

So these days, I'm back to sharing my life, pouring out my soul, to God. I'm not holding anything back. And I'm trusting that He cares about it all. I'm even under the impression that He enjoys our little chats. Can you imagine?! What a joy!

I know that from time to time, I've gone through little phases of doubt. I've been a Christian for 9 years, and it's happened several times. These periods of reflection and discovery, of digging into His Word, of examining my motives and my heart, of trusting Him and humbling myself, have always resulted in more and more joy. I don't necessarily have more understanding or answers. But I do come away with a stronger faith. It doesn't really matter if I understand God's ways. If it's clearly something that I see God asking me to do, then I going to do it. I'm so grateful that He is patient with me. And that He really cares about me.

Advent

2010-12-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

All we've ever done for Advent was get one of those thin boxes that has the little perforated panels that flip open to reveal a Scripture verse and a tiny piece of chocolate. We shared one *ONE* of those last year with 3 kids. They were gracious and took turns, and I think we only had half of a meltdown one morning. The only reason we even had an Advent calendar was to countdown to Christmas. In our heads, we were getting one day closer to an onslaught of presents and food and getting together with family. I'm trying to change that up this year.

My mother in law is a consultant for Stampin Up, and I hosted a show for her a while back. I bought this Calendar Kit from the party and assembled it this week. I haven't done it yet, but the plan is to put 3 little treats in each. The kids will each get to have a little something while we enjoy the second part of our daily Advent observation.

*notice the MERRY banner hanging above the Advent calendar. My mother in law is selling them this season as well. You can go here for more info and to order your own. I've now ordered 4 of them!

I went through the kids' books and found several Christmas-themed books. I also went to my local Goodwill and found some more. I gathered them all up and wrapped 24 of them. For each day of Advent, we open a book and read it together. We had received tons of Christmas books from a homeschooler a few years ago on Freecycle. A lot of them are just about Santa and snowmen and elves, but there were also several about Jesus.

I don't want my kids solely being concerned with their gifts each Christmas. I want their hearts to welcome Jesus. I want them to realize what He did for us. I want them to think about what He's still doing for us and through us. I want us to focus on Him.

So each day, we open a book and sit on the couch together, and we turn all our attention to Him. We spend a few minutes each day worshipping Him. We ask questions and share times when we have felt the Lord moving in our lives. My kids are little, and we're having a blast doing this.

We also love the Jesus Storybook Bible. During breakfast in the mornings, we're reading a story a day leading up to the Birth of Jesus story on the 24th.

Jack is ready for Day 3!

I got these ideas from my beautiful, brilliant sister in law. You can see how their family is observing Advent and her other amazing ideas on her blog here. Her idea of the Jesus stocking is so beautiful. I know. I send you guys over there all the time. I have no original ideas. I just copy hers.

What do you guys do for Advent? Any Christmas traditions?

Banner Kits

2010-11-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

My sweet Mother in Law is making these {give thanks} banner kits. There are also several Christmas options available.

(I'm ordering some for me and some for this years' teacher gifts!)

Here's the info:

{give thanks}

$8 ready to assemble kit

$12 sewn

{merry}

$7 ready to assemble kit

$10 sewn

{joy}

$6 ready to assemble kit

$9 sewn

{adore Him}

$8 ready to assemble kit

$12 sewn

{custom}

names, happy birthday, alphabet, etc.

email for quote

.{upgrade to priority mail}

$3 per order

* you can assemble your kits by either sewing them to the ribbon

with a zigzag stitch on your sewing machine

or by stapling the cards to the ribbon (I've done both - both look beautiful.)

* if you would like to customize your colors, include a note in your order notes

or email directly tmshapiro@gmail.com!

To order online, you can go to my sister in law's website and scroll down to select whichever banner kits you would like. Add to cart and voila! So simple and so cute!!!

For questions or custom quotes, email directly tmshapiro@gmail.com

{enjoy!}

Dear God

2010-11-19T07:20:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father,

I saw what you did there. You know that I'm having a rough time figuring out prayer, so You had three crying females call me the other day asking for prayer. I've got to admit, that was pretty clever. It reminded me that I need to quit walking around in the fog and dig into your Word to find out what I need to really pray with them and for them. Good one.

I know that You are not a magic genie, waiting around for me to ask You to grant my every wish. You're not a slot machine where, if I just put enough cha-ching into the collection plate, I'll have my every desire met. You are not like Burger King - I can't have everything my way. There's no formula for getting my prayers answered the way I want. There are times when it's relatively easy to submit to Your Will because I figure You want what's best for me, know what I need and will supply me with what I need, when I need it. But I'm guessing Your idea of what is best for me and my idea of what is best don't line up a lot of the time. And when they don't, I find myself questioning if You have my best interests in mind at all. As if I'm entitled to tell You that You're doing it all wrong.

I know that You have taught us to pray in every situation according to Phillipians 4:6, but I'm wondering if we've taken that too literally.  On at least three separate occasions, I have prayed for a bowel movement. (The docs once said that if my friend's son didn't have a poopy diaper soon, he'd have to undergo surgery to correct an apparently blockage. Stuff like that.) I've questioned before whether or not You could be convinced to say 'yes' to a prayer asking for a close parking space when we're running late. Or for a favorite sports team to win a game. I hear a lot of people praying for peace, comfort after the loss of a loved one, healing, protection, to be 'led' to a certain job or neighborhood, church or spouse, or for wisdom in other kinds of decisions, like budgeting income, how to discipline children, how to deal with difficult people. I have seen books written about how to pray our way into a strong marriage or a better paying job. (I guess these books are for people who don't want to bother You by having You tag along in their lives. If they just pray for a decent spouse, they can eliminate any need for You to help them out along the way. Hmmm.)

Lord, I realize that Your ways are difficult to understand. People have been debating them for generations. I'm not trying to suggest that I should be able to understand them. If I could understand You, You wouldn't be worthy of my worship, and I wouldn't need You because I could figure it out all on my own.  I think You plan to keep some stuff from us and leave a bunch of stuff open to interpretation because that's the only way we'll recognize our need for You. When we have these questions, our faith should lead us straight to You, instead of away from You or to some counterfeit version of You. I'm sorry that I haven't been more patient with You. I need to remember that You have asked us to have faith for a reason. I need to realize that I lack nothing if I have You.

Lord, I'm scared. I want so desperately to trust You. I want to know that You care about me and that You will be by my side in this life and not just in heaven. I want to trust that You'll listen to my prayers even if they're stupid, even if I'm asking for something ridiculous, even if I'm just begging to know You more and be allowed into Your presence. I'm trying to work through some of my own personal crap, and I'm struck by how this is sooo NOT a good time to be questioning You. I think it's possible that Satan realizes that I'm terrified and is trying to make me weaker so that I will continue to avoid dealing with this stuff. Please, Lord. Make him go away.

I need you. I remember what it was like to deal with this stuff without You, and I can't go through that again. I need to be able to trust that You've got my back and won't abandon me. I need to know that You will keep Your promises. I need to know that You can take this sad part of my life and turn it into something of value. I don't mind going through it if I can believe that it'll result in something beautiful.   I know. There I go again always being more concerned with the result than the journey. I know.

I'm sorry that I don't yet have the faith of a child. My questions and my own sense of justice keep me from having the kind of faith that can easily withstand attack. I'm sorry that it's so easy for me to doubt and question and so hard for me to believe and obey. I realize that having a child-like faith doesn't mean not having questions. My kids ask me "Why?" all the time. It's just that I know that I can try to rip my life out of Your hands when I'm doubting You, instead of pestering You with my questions. I know me - I try to figure it out on my own without Your intervention. My kids don't stop pestering me, and I'm pretty sure You'd be thrilled if I pestered You with my questions. So, heads up. I've got a list.

I think one of the main reasons why I'm struggling is because we humans can't explain You, and yet, we try. And for some reason, I usually turn to books about You rather than the Book by You. I've read some pretty cheesy, inaccurate explanations for Your more mysterious ways.  Like how You answer prayer in one of three ways - "yes," "no," and "wait." And then I get all confused because it doesn't matter to whom I direct a petition, those are the only possible responses I could ever get. It doesn't explain the deeper reasonings YOU must have for how You respond to prayer. I'm probably walking around with questions that could easily be answered if I would simply read Your Word and quit expecting to find some explanation in these other books. Or again, maybe You want me to be in the dark about some of this stuff so that I have to employ faith.

I'm sorry that I haven't been using the resources that You've given me because I am lazy and impatient and don't want to wait around for the Holy Spirit to help me interpret Your Word. I'm sorry that most of my prayers come across as a Wish List from some brat. I'm sorry that I don't spend more time looking at my own heart and acknowledging the yuck that is in there. I'm sorry that I don't repent more often. I'm sorry that I don't praise You enough, stopping to thank You for all the beauty in my life and in the world.

I pray that Your Kingdom would come - even if it looks different from how I want.

I pray for Your Will and realize that I don't have to wait for heaven before I'm able to experience You and Your Kingdom. Thank you for the privilege of being involved in Your Kingdom this side of heaven.

Lord, You are aware of my needs more than I am. Please give me what I need for today, and I won't worry about tomorrow. I know that You call it Daily Bread, and not Monthly Bread, for a reason.

Please help me see people with Your eyes so that I can shower them with the same extravagant grace You show to me.

I'm sorry that I screw up as often as I do. Lord, I want to be like Your Son. Please give me the strength and desire to resist temptation - pull me out of the muck of my own failings. I don't want to be distracted by the things and ways of this world. I want to live for You.

amen.

Online Usborne Book Fair!

2010-11-12T14:45:00.000-08:00

I want to let you know that I am having an online Usborne book fair with proceeds going toward Brianna's adoption fund. As I'm sure you can imagine, it is expensive to adopt, and I am always floored with the creativity that goes into raising funds for these adoptions. I mean, you get to buy really, really great books AND help this precious family bring home their beautiful daughters - Genius!!!!

Click here to browse and order (your order will be shipped directly to you). Everything you order using this link benefits Brianna's adoption! Shop for Christmas, birthdays, school, you name it!

I ordered 4 books recently, and they were delivered last week. We LOVE them!!! I've been reading this one about Greek Myths to my kids almost every night since. And today, we took this book on how to draw robots and aliens, a pad of paper and some pencils to the doctor's office so the bigger kids would have something to do instead of interrupting everything I or the doctor had to say. It worked brilliantly!!! (Jack just has a little cold, thanks for asking.)

I sure wish I had had this book of activities on our drive to Texas this summer. And how about this cookbook for kids of recipes from around the world? What a great way to teach your kids about other parts of the world AND to cook! Gillian has her eye on this one about drawing mermaids and faeries, and Josh is interested in this one on how things work. Needless to say, I have a huge list of books that I want from Usborne. The quality is amazing, and my kids love them. What more could you ask?!

If you want some more recommendations, you can pop on over here to my sister in law's blog to see what she's using. She's an Usborne consultant, and it's through her that I'm having this sale. So fun! You can click on my name (Shapiro) at the bottom of her post to be directed to my sale. Happy shopping!

icky politics

2010-11-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

I had heard of the Rally to Restore Sanity, but because it was somewhat 'political' in nature, I didn't spend any time getting to know what it was all about. I just may have to now.

Rachel Held Evans wrote this post last week.  love it! I have a hard time understanding politics, and what I do understand, I don't like. I especially don't understand people who are really passionate (vocal) about politics. A lot of them are pretty insensitive, and I'm really sensitive, so it rubs me the wrong way.

I find it nearly impossible to choose one candidate over another because no matter who I choose, I'm choosing to screw someone. Yes, I know that I'm also choosing to 'help' someone, but I just can't get passed the screwing someone part.  I imagine that I can help the hurting in a more tangible way than to elect some guy who ends up breaking his promises once he gets to office anyway.

Plus, I don't see how my vote could make a difference. (And I'm not taking three small kids with me to stand in line for hours (or even mailing in my ballot) unless I'm gonna have at least a chance of making a bleeping difference!) I'm not likely to ever vote for either of the only two people who will get the time of day in the elections because they will probably be either very conservative or very liberal, and I don't like either one of those. Yes, I understand that my freedom to vote should not be taken for granted. I also have the freedom to drink myself into a coma, but I'm probably not going to be taking advantage of that anytime soon either.

So I think I'm moderate.  Not passionately moderate. Just moderate.  But moderate enough that even the name of the Rally gets under my skin because it's suggesting that those who didn't attend weren't sane.

But, I'm open to changes in my opinions. So none of this is set in stone for me. It's just where I'm at right now.

Prayer

2010-11-02T12:42:00.000-07:00

I'm having an issue these days with prayer. I know we are supposed to pray. We read examples in the Bible of times when God made it clear that a faithful man's prayers had changed His mind and His hand. We read that if you line up your desires with God's, then you will get whatever you ask for (which seems obvious since God is kind of guaranteed to get His way, and if you want the same things He wants, then you'll just be on the winning team. Otherwise...). We've even seen Jesus pray to God, and if He did it, and we're supposed to live like Him, then we know we need to pray too.

But how does one pray anyway? Do we just repeat the Lord's Prayer? Do we use the Lord's Prayer as a formula? Are those quick, one-word, 'popcorn' prayers enough? Or do we need to buy all those Stormie Omartian books? Do we need a prayer shawl or a head covering or beads for God to know we're taking this whole prayer thing seriously? Does it even matter that we use words since the Holy Spirit will interpret our needs and tell God what we mean? Are there other things we should be doing to increase the chances that God will not only listen, but take our praise and petitions into consideration?

I realize that prayer is a gift. If we see ourselves in relation to God, we can see how it's practically a miracle in itself that He would give an audience to our non-omniscient suggestions and pleas. But God loves us, and I believe He's geniunely interested in having a relationship with us. And as any female will tell you - LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E. How does someone build relationship with someone else? You spend time talking with each other, sharing your lives with each other. Right? I can totally understand how prayer can be poweful because it is a tool we can use to get to know God more. (Although, I imagine that the benefits are kind of one-sided. God already knows what's in our hearts. We couldn't hide our true feelings and intentions from Him if we tried. So communicating with Him doesn't help Him get to know us any better. I think the only thing it does for Him is to reveal our faith and commitment to Him.)

But other than as a means to build relationship with God, what else does prayer do exactly? Does it actually change God's mind? Can it convince Him to spare the life of a terminally-ill child? Can it prevent bad weather on your wedding day? Can it help the Texas Rangers actually WIN the World Series? (Guess you all have heard the answer to that one. Or maybe Giants fans just have a larger prayer chain.) Can praying actually get us a sweet parking spot when we're running late? And if we do get to park close, do we have the audacity to thank God because we assume He cares so much about us being on time to our ob/gyn appointment that He made some other car leave that spot empty? I mean, what exactly do we think God did there? Do we believe that He gave the secretary of the Realty company downstairs a hankering for a Big Mac so that she'd leave the office and make that spot available just as you were pulling into the parking lot? Or did some other shmuck get temporarily blinded to the spot as he drove by because he forgot to pray for a spot 3 feet from the door? What if you pray AND someone else prays for the same spot? I don't know what we're expecting God to do in these ridiculous kinds of situations. We can't possibly believe that God's Will and our will line up in those moments.

I do know that one day a few years ago, we were driving to church when the skies opened up and started dropping a ton of wind and rain and hail on us. Ben and I decided we were going to turn around and head back home instead. Gillian heard us talking about going home, and she prayed to God. She said something like "God, I really, really want to get to church, but it's storming out there. Will you please calm the storm?" And within seconds, literally like 10 seconds later, the wind died down to nothing, the rain and hail completely stopped, and so we kept driving. As we walked through the front doors of the church, Gillian said, "Thanks, God," and the storm returned. Howling winds, big huge drops of rain drumming on the windows, but we had made it. I was able to see how much it had increased Gillian's faith in Him. And everytime we retell that story, her faith is reinforced. So yea, God might give you a super close parking spot if He thinks you'll trust Him more because of it. Although I wouldn't count on it.

Great story, I know, but what about those prayers that seem to go unanswered? How do we wrap our brains around those? Does God not care about increasing some people's faith? Is He waiting for a better time to show up? What happens when entire communities, thousands of people, are praying for the healing of a young boy with cancer who ends up dying anyway? Do we truly believe that the more prayer lists your daughter is on, the more likely God will answer your prayer the way you're hoping He will? Then how do we sleep at night knowing that there are millions of children that we don't even know about who will never be on even a single prayer list? Did a little girl just did because she wasn't on a stupid list?! Did that marriage just dissolve because I forgot to pray that one night a few months ago? What happens to the faith of a mom who has prayed for her children since before they were born who gets a call that all of her kids were just killed in a car accident?

I know that prayer is a not a guarantee. I know that I don't know what's best for me, and that God supposedly does, so I need to just trust Him. And I know that that blows most of the time. I know that God can take something awful and turn it into a thing of beauty. I don't necessarily believe that He had planned for a lady's kid to die so that she would eventually learn how much her community cares about her when they show up afterwards to comfort, listen, hug, and care for her. I know that we pray a lot for things that we Christians are supposed to be doing. I know that praying for something makes me feel like I have done my Christian duty sometimes, even though the family I was praying for needed me to bring them that extra box of mac n cheese that I had instead. I know that I have prayed that a family would be able to come up with the funds needed to adopt a child while I sat in the drive-thru line at McDonald's because I'd rather buy a few Happy Meals than use the groceries that I had at home to make dinner. Praying can convince us that we are doing something to better our world. But I think a lot of the time, God's answer to those prayers is us. He doesn't want us to JUST pray. He wants us to pray AND do what we can. But we pray, leave it at that, and then wonder why our prayers aren't being answered. I'm just saying.

I'm not sure if my issue here is with God's goodness vs the World's badness, Free Will vs. Determinism, or if I'm just struggling with Faith in general. But it's a dark place to be when you don't know if your prayers are being heard or considered.

Sunflower Farms

2010-10-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

We went to the Sunflower Farms this past weekend with our friends, N & A. It was so fun! The kids were overjoyed by all they were able to do. They had pony rides (by far, Gillian's favorite thing in the whole wide world right now - check out her smile below! She didn't want to stop hugging them!), a zip line, petting zoo, tree houses, sand pits and a hay maze. They have free-roaming chickens and peacocks, turkeys, sheep, goats, cows and even a llama. Soooo fun! If you're in the area, I highly recommend them. My kids loved the zip line and the pony rides the most. (Yes! I let little Jack ride a pony! He even got to experience the zip line by riding with his dad.) I think my favorite photograph right now is the one of Ben with Jack sitting on a huge tire. Super sweet, right?

new look

2010-10-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

I had noticed a few weeks ago that my previous header didn't fit on my blog template anymore. I think Blogger was trying to force me to change designs. So here you go. New header, new template. Same ol' me.

safe is a 4 letter word

2010-10-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

I've known this for a long time, but I tend to live to behind a mask. Doesn't need to be Halloween for me to 'dress up' my life.

I didn't have a lot of self-confidence growing up and ended up doing what I could to blend in to make friends. So much so that I ended up making a lot of decisions that backfired and the consequences were pretty intense.

I've been seeing a counselor for several months now to help me figure out how to handle some of the lingering effects of some of those consequences. It's S L O W going. We're still in the first stage that involves creating some buffers to surround me when the hard stuff starts. She doesn't want to rip my feet out from underneath me without a safety net. Does that make sense? So we're making sure my net is super secure and easily accessible.

In the process of creating these buffers, we've figured out two things are glaringly obvious about me. One is that I am emotionally retarded. I don't really allow myself to feel some of the deeper hurts that I experience because I don't know how to handle them. I keep my heart very guarded and find it nearly impossible to acknowledge my true feelings. And although this gives me a counterfeit sense of security, it's not doing me any favors. In fact, it's making it really, really difficult to be authentic and vulnerable with my husband and friends. And that royally sucks.

The second obvious thing about me is that I never - repeat - NEVER feel safe. Go ahead and try to come up with a safe environment where I could be placed, and I will think of a way that I can get hurt in it. I expect to be hurt. I position myself in a room where I can see all the exits and not have a lot of empty space behind me. I have panic attacks about it. The only thing I know that is consistant and loving that I can put my trust in completely is God. And yet my 'safety' isn't on His Top 10 List of things that are important to Him. He's much more interested in my reliance on Him, my growth into the likeness of His Son, and my treatment of others. And if stripping me of my safety will help me do those things, He won't hesitate.

Now don't get me wrong. Safety isn't all it's cracked up to be. Parents instictually try to create a 'safe' environment for their kids to grow up in. No parent wants to see their kids get hurt. But raising strong kids instead of safe kids helps them more as an adult. As least, that's what I think. I have found myself protecting my kids when I could've used a situation to make them stronger. I have to really think about what's best for them in the long run because my instinct will always be to protect.

My lack of security has created a mask, a thick skin, a callousness to me. It can look like I'm strong and that things don't effect me. But that's not the case. I can grit my teeth and bear a lot, but it's taking its toll. I don't know when to stop gritting my teeth. I don't know how to relax. I don't know how to loosen my grip and let God take control. I don't know how to give my heart to my husband. And it's causing us both a lot of pain.

I heard a song today that really emphasized to me what I'm missing out on. Natalie Grant has a song called Safe. I want that. Badly. I don't want to wear this mask anymore. I want to tear down my walls. I had a moment a few months ago when the walls came down, and it was incredible. At the time, I thought it was going to be a life-changing moment. But unfortunately, I have built those stupid walls back up again. I'm so freaking scared.

Bleep.

Bleep Happens

2010-10-21T05:52:00.001-07:00

You know how they have shooting ranges for people who carry guns? They go out to these places, wear some sort of protective ear covering, and practice hitting their mark.

I woke up this morning wishing there was some some of screaming range. Maybe call it a Rage Range. (I'm only half kidding here.)

A conversation with my husband last night got saucy, and I hadn't seen it coming. In the middle, there was some Bleepity Bleep you Bleeping Bleep Bleep!

Not our best moment.

I wish I felt better prepared for when those conversations happen. I wish I had a level where I could check the placement of my 'bubble.' I get off-centered, and inevitably, that's when one of these conversations will take place. Maybe if I felt more prepared, or even just aware of my internal 'bubble's' status, I wouldn't end up heating up to boiling and screaming as if I were a tea kettle. (Sorry, Tea Kettle. I know you get used as an illustration for a woman possessed a lot of the time, and that's not really fair. I hope you'll forgive me and not take it out on some poor guy's Earl Grey.)

But how does someone prepare for those inevitable conversations? How does someone reel in a conversation before it jumps the tracks and crash lands in someone's heart? After we had exchanged 'bleeps,' we each went to our corners and separated for a few minutes. We needed to cool down before we did any more damage. We frequently take breaks in the middle of arguments. We know that we need to get some perspective, and I usually find myself praying for wisdom and gentleness and humility. Most of the time, when we get back together, we end up apologizing and asking for forgiveness. It's like God aligns our bubbles when we take a break, and we're able to continue from a much more balanced place. I'd just like to know if there's something I can do BEFORE the Bleep happens.

So it got me wondering if the Bleep needed to happen to align my bubble. (probably not, but at 6am, this is where my mind was.) What if I had the opportunity to go into a Rage Range, get in a sound-proof booth, and practice what I wanted to say without any of those disjointed, emotional, insensitive words actually hurting the guy I love? What if I had the chance to work out what I needed to say and was able to figure out a way to say it that didn't break the sound barrier?

and then I thought - hey, I don't need a sound-proof box! I need a girlfriend! Someone who I can spew all my raw thoughts too, who nods and affirms my feelings and then gently guides me into a clearer perspective so that I can have a less volatile discussion with my husband. Isn't that what women throughout the ages have done?

and THEN I thought - well, bleep. I don't yet feel like I have a girlfriend like that here. I had them in TX, but I haven't gotten to know someone here enough to trust them with my messes. I do have this one friend, but she won't be gentling guiding me into a clear perspective. More like shoveling in some more coal for my runaway train.

And so, usually I go to God, and usually it's AFTER I've already screwed up. Which is not working for us. I think I need to call a Time Out earlier in our conversation and ask God to guide my lips and control my tongue. To be honest, my husband does that already. He tries to back away from the chaos that he knows is coming if he doesn't detach soon, but then I judge him and call him a bleep for walking away.

(BLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) <--Sound-proofed rant. See, isn't that effective?!

Why in the world do I do that?! Oh, yea. I'm a wretch. A monster. A human.

but at least, this morning, I'm a forgiven wretch. A forgiven monster. A forgiven human. Because my husband is a forgiving husband.

What we've been up to

2010-10-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

hello there.

So I've been crazy busy since school started back up. So much so that I have neglected posting any photos recently. Oh, I've been taking them. Boy howdy. But I just haven't uploaded any onto this here blog.

until today.

Sooo, since I last posted photos, Josh slayed a dragon:

Jack turned into the cutest 2 year old ever!!

Ben got another year older.

Our bestest friends ever came from TX for a visit. We went to the park one beautiful afternoon while Jack was sleeping.

My baby girl turned 8!!!!!!! She is kind of in love with American Girl dolls. *What 8 year old isn't?*

She had a birthday party with some of her sweet friends from school. We had a lion cake. (for the third year in a row)

Made animals out of marshmallows.

And smacked around a lion pinata. I was surprised that Gillian would be ok with us beating the tar our of a lion-likeness. But she got really into it.

She decided not to use the vacuum-hose-attachment-bat to knock the candy guts from the lion, instead opting for his own fists. No kidding. Gillian punched a lion with her bare hands.

When she wasn't beating up defenseless paper lions (notice she's all kinds of protected by that armor and shield), she was waking up to presents waiting to be opened. Yes, she wears jewels and a tiara with her pjs, first thing in the morning. Don't you?

Her party with her friends happened a couple of weeks after her actually birthday. On her birthday, we had a couple friends and her Grandma come over for cake and ice cream. I had to think fast, as I hadn't come up with a design for her cake yet. Some almond slices/blueberry flowers did the trick.

We went up into the mountains mid-week for a spontaneous hiking trip. Coz you can do that in Colorado. (Can you find Josh in the photo below?)

We went back to the mountains a few weeks later to see the changing colors of the Aspens. Gorgeous!

The kids had a day off of school, and we headed over to my sis-in-law's house to pick plums from her neighbor's tree. They had said that they weren't going to do anything with them, and that we were free to take some. Yay! I've been making this incredible plum upside down cake with them that is outstanding! and now my freezer is stocked with pitted and quartered plums. Yum!

After picking plums, we laid a blanket in our front yard and just sat around the played. I'm telling you, Josh knows how to enjoy a day off of school!!!

It's the little things

2010-10-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I had been doing a lot of yard work while the kids were in school. When the time came to pick them up, I ran inside the house to wash mud and blood from my hands and then walked over to the school. I was standing outside when another mom came up to me and started to chat. She told me that I had leaves in my hair and then asked if she could take them out for me.

The next day, I drove to the store and bought her a thank you card. People don't get thanked nearly enough for the little things. For her, pulling leaves out of my hair was a little thing. But to me, it was a feet-washing kind of moment. To me, it was someone caring enough about me to help me out. I was moved, and so I wrote it down and thanked her.

Last week, a friend of mine asked me if I was interested in doing some part-time child care in my home for a friend of hers. I thanked her for thinking about me, but said that I am kind of overwhelmed these days, and that I couldn't take on another thing. Last night, she wrote me an email inviting me to call her if I ever wanted to talk. That she is a good listener. I lost it. I got all silly and emotional. People don't usually offer to help carry another person's burdens like that. I think maybe we're too overwhelmed ourselves to even think of asking another person if we can help them. We are supposed to be living in community, but we rarely do.

I've had two dreams in the last few months about various people cleaning my house with me. I know that's pretty weird, but hey, I've never claimed to not be weird. First, I had a dream that the cast of LOST came over to help me clean up a new house that I was buying. Sayid was in the kitchen. Kate was vacuuming. Jack was on his hands and knees scrubbing the floors of a hallway, and Mr. Locke was mowing the lawn. I broke out in giggles for the next week anytime I thought about it. It was pretty awesome. Then this week I had a dream that I lived in a house up in the mountains and that I had a sick kid or something. A bunch of people that I've met at various churches came over to help me clean. I remember something warm and sweet baking in the oven, a chicken in a crock pot, and people washing my windows as we all talked.

I CRAVE community. When I was a brand spanking new Christian, I would read the book of Acts and yearn for that kind of community. I used to talk with friends about how I wanted to rent out a building in Downtown Dallas and whoever wanted to stay there could. All our kids would hang out together all the time. We'd all have a chore or something and share what we had. Living in community like that would strip me of a lot of the privacy that I had, and I actually wanted that too. I want to share what I have and feel free to borrow what you have. I want to be allowed to just call up a friend if I need to talk. I want to be available and willing to pull leaves out of my neighbors' hairdos. I want to sit outside on a blanket in the front yard when my neighborhood's kids are walking home from school and invite them over to eat granola bars and apples and talk about their day and maybe help with their homework. I don't want to run an after-school program; I want to be a place where kids know they can go if they want some help with math or something to fill their tummies until dinner is ready. It's a little thing that might mean something big to someone.

For the past two years, I've brought in a big ol' box of donuts to the kids' school and left them on a table in the Teachers' Lounge with a little note that says "Free Donuts. Thanks for all you do." I do it a couple of times a year. We also have a super sweet guy who is a Crossing Guard in front of the school. He's got the best smile in the world - the kind of smile that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside no matter which side of the bed you woke up on. He reminds of Mr. Rogers from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. Up here in Colorado, it gets really cold. It will be snowing when you drop off your kids at school. I have the luxury of driving my kids to school when it's super cold. But a lot of kids walk and that Crossing Guard makes sure they get to class safely. No matter how cold it is, he's out there, smiling his smile that makes mornings not suck so bad. While I'm in my SUV, heat turned up to 'Surface of the Sun', drinking my hazelnut coffee, opening the door just enough so the kids can squeeze through to go to class. One morning, I made two hazelnut coffees and gave him one. It was a very, very teeny tiny thing compared to what he does, and I didn't think it was possible, but his smile got even bigger than usual. I thought his face might break in half. It was awesome! Something that simple made him smile that big.

I have a philosophy that I like to use with my kids. When they ask me whether or not they can do something, I have to find a good reason to say No if I'm gonna say No. If I can't find a good reason, I say Yes. That results in spending a lot of time on my gut, digging in the dirt with Josh, invading some worms' homes. It results in lots of tea parties with Gillian, complete with getting each other ready for it with lip gloss and high heels. It results in LOTS of sitting down with Jack and building train tracks to zoom trains and cars across. Sometimes (and I can usually think of a GOOD reason to say No to this, but sometimes I can be convinced), it results in me sitting on the couch, with dirty dishes in the sink and stinky laundry on the floor, while three little kids sit as close as possible to my body and watch cartoons for an hour. If I'm willing to do this for my kids, why don't I do it for my community? How much more effort would it take for me to fill up another cup of coffee to hand out to a cold mama dropping off her kids? How much more effort would it be to double the cookie dough and take the second batch of cookies to the fire station to hand out to firefighters? What's wrong with sitting outside on a blanket in the front yard with a bunch of bananas while I'm helping my own kids with their homework so that I can be available to help my neighbors' kids with their homework?

Sometimes, it just takes a little to mean a lot.

Help Wanted

2010-09-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

Good grief!!!

I truly, TRULY wish God would just take over sometimes. I'm not being global here; I mean I wish he would shut me down and just take complete control over me. This Free Will stuff and me don't mix well because I am screwing up left and right over here. If there is a thousand steps to something, God will take 999 and expect me to take that last one, and I'm not even doing THAT right!

I know He's not going to take over. No matter how much I beg. But I found myself praying over and over again last night that I NEED Him, that everytime I try to do something these days, I end up with a huge heap of crap. I am not enough for this. I NEED Him. I Can Not do this on my own.

I'm not saying that I want God to do it all because I'm lazy and don't want to do anything. I've been trying to do plenty! I've been working and working, but because I've been trying to do it on my own, I have no doubt now that I simply CAN'T . I need help. Badly. I keep making this worse.

After praying last night, I had a dream that we had a lion in our backyard. (Having a daughter who is obsessed with lions, I can't believe this is the first lion dream I've ever had, but it is!) It wasn't our pet or anything. We didn't keep it there, but we weren't doing anything to make it leave either. He was super gentle with the kids; they loved him. I would walk outside and see one of my kids asleep, snuggled up into the lion's mane. Then one day, I walked out there, and the lion ran at me and threw its arms up over my shoulders and STARED into my eyes. He was huffing and puffing, and I knew that it wouldn't take much for him to kill me. It reminded me of a passage from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. (Weird, we talked about this exact quote at church this past Sunday. Maybe God's trying to tell me something.)

Lucy and Susan are talking with the Beavers about Aslan before they meet him.

Mrs. Beaver: "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else silly."

Lucy: "Is he...safe?"

Mr. Beaver: "Safe? Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Of course he isn't safe. But...he's GOOD. He's the King."

CS Lewis had it right when He didn't hold back that following God doesn't have to be safe. In fact, it most likely won't be. I think this is why I've been resisting listening to Him, seeking out His Will. I've just been spouting off to Him about how He should help me do things MY way. I've only been asking Him to help me with my own ideas, instead of asking Him for His. I've been begging Him to let me curl up in my lap so that He can soothe me and give me peace, but I have neglected to offer Him my heart or my service.

But He is good. And although He might lead me somewhere that isn't safe, He will be with me and so I shouldn't be afraid of that. The only thing I should be afraid of is losing that communion with Him that I so desperately want.

I need to stop expecting Him to 'fix' this situation the way I want it fixed and just let Him work on my heart and go wherever He asks me to, doing whatever He asks me to.

Easier said than done, I know. Boy, do I know.

Giveaway!

2010-09-20T11:53:00.001-07:00

My sister in law is having a giveaway on her blog today. She's giving away one of the Seeds Family Worship cds. They are Scripture-memorization songs that actually aren't hokey. Don't believe me - then check out their website. When you order one, a second cd comes for you to share, and so she's sharing! I've listened to a few of these, and they are REALLY good! I bought one of the cd's last year and gave the other away as a Christmas gift. Here is a link to the Giveaway. Good luck!

Major Screw Ups

2010-09-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

What do unicorns, Santa Claus and the perfect Christian have in common?

yeah. I'm sure you see where I'm going there.

We Christians mess up a lot. We sin all over the place and then act like our sh!t don't stink. I know from personal experience. Lots and lots of experience.

But then we cry 'Mercy!' and God forgives us. And we should be honored and humbled by that kind of love, and not take it for granted. We should also be aware that for a watching world, forgiveness is harder to offer to the Christian who royally screws up. Not only that, but if we claim that Jesus is the reason why we felt we had to behave in such a way that others were hurt, we make it a lot harder for people to accept that Jesus is the Loving Savior that we know Him to be.

In America, we have certain rights that are protected. We can speak our minds, even when we very much disagree with those in authority over us. We are allowed the right to believe in and worship whichever deity we choose. We're a bit less tolerant of people when their beliefs infringe on someone else's beliefs, but for the most part, we are free to do a lot here that people who live in other countries get punished for, even killed for.

There seem to be a lot of religious extremists out there. There are people who hurt people in the name of their god. I'm not just talking about people who strap bombs to themselves and walk into a crowded area to blow up as many people as possible. I am talking about them, but there are a lot of Christian extremists too. There always have been.

I'm probably not as familiar as I should be with other religions. I have studied a bit of most of them, but I'm no expert by any means. I'm a Christian and definately don't feel like an expert in Christianity. But one of the most important differences that I've noticed between Christianity and other religions is grace. If only we humble ourselves and accept our inability to be perfect, God will give us grace. There's not anything we can do to earn this grace, other than admit we screwed up, commit to try harder next time, and then allow God to 'wash us clean' and give us the strength to do better from that point forward. The other religions that I've studied have the devotee doing some pretty extreme stuff to earn the favor of their Devoted. There isn't any grace. And that's why I love Christianity. (It's also one of the main reasons why I BELIEVE the claims of Christianity. We humans wouldn't have made up a belief system where we didn't have the power to convince/manipulate God. It's not in our nature to humble ourselves. We want to think we have some sway with the Big Man in Charge.)

But regardless of this distinction, some Christians just don't get it. They are willing to receive God's grace, but have no intention of showing it to anyone else. Or maybe they actually think that they are being kind when they point out certain people's sins and then tell them that they are going to hell. I doubt it, but let's just say it's possible. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't like it if I made signs describing their particular sins and marched around outside their church telling them that they are going to hell. They'd probably claim that they were Christians, not Christ, and that of course they sin, because Romans 3:23 says that "all have sinned," but that they have received salvation so they are not going to hell.

I had such a group of people make signs and march around where I was hanging out. They even spit on me and told me that I was going to hell. Over one particular sin. (They seemed totally fine with my other all-too-obvious sins.) But they never mentioned God's love or grace or forgiveness or any chance for me to repent. I was sinning so I was going to hell. For one, after that, I didn't want to worship their God because I thought His followers were jerks. Secondly, I didn't realize that I could worship their God. Because of my particular sin, and from what they were saying, I was destined for hell with no chance of forgiveness. I had royally screwed up, and God wasn't going to waste His time loving someone like me.

Ah, but see. Those particular Christians were WRONG! God loved me then, and He loves me now. He did give me a chance to repent, and I have since quit that particular sin and have acquired new ways to sin, and yet He STILL loves me. He even loves those particular wrong Christians who made it so hard for me to see the love of Christ. He loves that weird pastor in Florida who is willing to burn a very precious book to a particular group of people; an act that could very likely result in lots of American soldiers, NGO aid workers, tourists and especially Christ-followers to be attacked. God not only loves that guy and is willing to forgive him if he repents of his particular sins, but He loves all those who love that precious book.

I read a blog about this recently and saw a comment that really stood out to me. C. Bower says that "We should love our Christian brothers and sisters. We should also love our 'enemies' into the kingdom. You don't show the love of Christ to future brothers and sisters by burning something sacred to them. Meekness is power under control. We could all use a double dose of that. But burning a bunch of Korans will only serve to drive a wedge between 'us.' This only serves to divide, not to unite. Burning books is cowardly. Loving when it is hard (and controversial) is courageous. I want to choose love over hate; courage over cowardice."

Sure I live in America where I have a lot of freedom. But 1 Corinthians 10:23 says "'Everything is permissible' - but not everything is beneficial." Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Proverbs 15:1 says "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." And 1 Peter 3:15 says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."

This guy isn't being gentle or respectful. This guy is being harsh. God loves him and will forgive him of this royal screw up. (and believe me - even though you might not want to consider yourself lumped into the same category as this guy, you would desperately want to be if you yourself ever royally screwed up and needed God's grace. So be grateful that we ALL serve a gracious, loving God.) I just hope he repents before anger is stirred up and people's lives, and his witness, are destroyed.

Edit: The pastor in Florida has just cancelled his plans to burn any Korans this weekend. I hope he keeps his word.

My Comfortable Place

2010-09-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

Last night, my therapist wanted me to think of a place where I can feel very, very comfortable and calm. I'm supposed to be training my brain to be able to recall this place whenever I am stressed or overwhelmed. (Because the ugly, nasty, difficult part of therapy is just around the corner, and we're trying to make sure I have enough buffers around me for when it gets tough.)

It didn't have to be a place I had ever been to before; just somewhere where I think I could be very comfortable.

So this is what I came up with:

I imagined me, laying in this forest. I used all my senses to try to 'experience' it. I smelled the 'growing,' the moss, the brine in the air because there was a coast somewhere off to my left.

I felt a soft breeze and the warm sun when the breeze would blow the canopy of tree tops apart to let the rays warm my face. I felt dirt under my fingertips and dug my bare heels into the moist soil. I love dirt. Not really a fan of mud. I wasn't envisioning this:

More like this. More like when you bake a chocolate cake, and then when it cools off, you break it all up with your bare hands to make cake balls or something. Much more like that.

Then my therapist asked if I thought anyone could get to where I was. My body all tensed up, and I realized that this was no longer a comfortable place. So she asked me to come up with something that would block people from getting to me. She suggested that God build a brick wall around me somewhere, but I didn't like the way that made me feel like I was in a prison or something. So I decided upon a bear, who is awfully protective of me, by the way, and a hawk. They live there, in this beautiful place that I can go to in my head, and they keep anyone else out. I also figured it wouldn't hurt to put a river with some pretty tricky rapids all around the place where I will be laying. How nice is that?

So now, I can go there whenever I want - and believe me, I want to a lot - and just be comfortable. I can enjoy the sites and sounds, the smells and feel and tastes of this woodland little place. Without ever having to leave my house. I can enjoy the fireflies and drippy bokah created by the sunlight hitting the branches just right. I can enjoy the veins of the leaves poking into my shoulders. I can enjoy imagining little creatures living in a mushroom village, flittering to and fro.

I think I'm gonna like it here.

(oh yeah, none of these photos are mine. I know, right?! I never post other people's photos! But like I said, I've never been here before. so I looked around on Flickr and found these that remind me of what I saw in my head last night. Thanks, guys!)

You can't get this kind of renovation from Home Depot

2010-08-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I promised you some CS Lewis and to share some other stuff that has been 'speaking' to me recently.

From CS Lewis' "The Problem of Pain":

"We think we are kind when we are only happy; it is not so easy, on the same grounds, to imagine oneself temperate, chaste, or humble."

"When we merely say that we are bad, the 'wrath' of God seems a barbarous doctrine; as soon as we perceive our badness, it appears inevitable."

"If, being cowardly, conceited, and slothful, you have never yet done a fellow creature great mischief, that is only because your neighbour's welfare has not yet happened to conflict with your safety, self-approval, or ease."

"We try, when we wake, to lay the new day at God's feet; before we have finished shaving, it becomes our day and God's share in it is felt as a tribute which we must pay out of 'our own' pocket, a deduction from the time which ought, we feel, to be 'our own.'"

"The human spirit will not even begin to try to surrender self-will as long as all seems to be well with it."

"Pain insists upon being attended to."

"...the ugliest things in human nature are perversions of good or innocent things."

"We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it."

"...it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up 'our own' when it is no longer worth keeping."

"It is hardly complimentary to God that we should choose Him as an alternative to Hell: yet even this He accepts."

"Prostitutes are in no danger of finding their present life so satisfactory that they cannot turn to God: the proud, the avaricious, the self-righteous, are in that danger."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could go on and on. Although I don't agree with everything that Lewis has ever said, he never fails to intrigue me and make me think. If his goal was to make his readers ponder God, then he was wildly successful. I'm currently reading "The Abolition of Man." Not sure why I've been on such a Lewis kick this year, but I'm not complaining.

I also read Ecclesiastes recently. I have now figured out two things: one, with much wisdom comes much jadedness. (sheesh!) and two, I talk far too much.

Far too much.

In Solomon's eyes, there are two types of people: fools and wisemen. I apparently fall into the fool category. Solomon repeats fairly often that those who speak many words are fools. I tend to process my thoughts outloud. Most of what comes out of my mouth is a trial version of what will eventually become an opinion. It's important for me to have girlfriends because I talk a lot, and my friends will listen and point out the flaws in my thinking and where I'm being inconsistant. And that helps to develop my thoughts. Since moving to Colorado, I haven't had a lot of those kinds of people in my life. And I've been walking around saying some ridiculously foolish stuff. (I'm not blaming my stupidity on my lack of friends. I'm a fool even with a flock of friends. I simply wish that I still had those buffers in my life. Yes, I've met people and made friends since moving here, but for some reason, I have resisted sharing my heart with them. Not sure what's going on there - but I'll come back to it in a sec.)

Last night, I had some dear friends of mine from TX visit, and within minutes, I was opening up like I haven't done in a few years. I made some really solid friendships when I lived in North Texas, and I miss having those kinds of relationships. For some reason, I haven't allowed myself to actually open up to anyone here. Sure there have been times when I shared my past, but I haven't been sharing (or really even acknowledging) my present feelings with many people recently. I feel like I'm a pretty high-maintenance kind of person. I can be really emotional, and I have some cruddy crud that I deal with. Because of this, I've isolated myself. Not physically - I show up to church and church functions. I volunteer with AWANAs and attend MOPS. But I'm only allowing myself to have these surface'y relationships, where I neither share a lot about myself nor ask a lot about them. My sweet friends from TX pointed that out to me last night as I was complaining that my husband doesn't share a lot about himself with me. I stumbled around for a few seconds, flailing around in my brain to find an excuse for why it's totally acceptable for me to do it and unacceptable for hubby to do it, but I knew they were right. I just hung my head and said 'crap.'

and this was not the first time of the evening where it had been *gently* pointed out to me that I am upset with my husband over something that I myself am doing too. What a kick to the teeth! Riping off the blinders in my life is painful, but I can't tell you how much I value a good friend who is willing to gently do that for me. I can't tell you how grateful I am to friends who care enough to point out where I'm screwing up. My problem is that I'm not letting anyone here in Colorado be that for me. I'm not opening up to anyone. and I'm not sure why, other than just being concerned that I'm too high-maintenance.

Not only did being with these friends help me break down this wall that I was unaware that I had built between me and everyone around me, but God noticed. I could almost hear His still, quiet voice, saying "Oh hey, would you look at that?! Lisa just pried her grubby little hands off of her heart. NOW I can do something in there!" Yea, so God's been poking around in there, getting rid of some garbage. I wonder if it feels to Him something like watching "Hoarders" feels like to me.

Oh wait. There's more!

Not only did my friends visit and take my whole family out to dinner (my kids were instantly smitten with them both!), but they wanted to attend a church service with me. He had seen on this here ol' blog a link to the Scum of the Earth church and had sent me an email asking for more details about it. So I directed him to read the book 'Pure Scum,' by Mike Sares, which I've talked about before. A short time later, he wrote me back and said he had just read the book and wanted to attend a service there with me when he and his beautiful (my goodness, she is beautiful!) wife came up to visit. So last night, we got our chance to go up there. Mr. Sares was preaching, which is a treat, on matters of the heart. Like hard-heartedness, specifically regarding marriage. He called it cardio-cirrhosis. There are some difficult passages of Scripture about marriage and divorce and adultery and covenants, and Mike went there and brought us all along with him. What I love most about Mike, and Scum in general, is the lack of sugar-coating that a lot of churches use. He makes no claims that it'll be easy, or that we'll even like, to obey God. But that doesn't matter. What matters is following God. Regardless. With grace in one hand and truth in the other. (Don't you just love that?!)

Anyway, I walked away from the sermon with conviction that I haven't felt in a while. I have been hard-hearted with my husband. I have trampled all over him while sitting tall up on my high horse. and the scariest part to me is that -

I. Had. No. Idea!

No, really. I honestly thought I was being graceful and understanding and helpful. But no! I was being judgmental and harsh, and I've completely forbidden him from touching my heart. Yea sure, trust is something that is particularly hard for me given my past, and yea, my husband has done some stuff that has made it even more difficult to put my trust in him, but if I'm serious about working to strengthen my marriage, I can not block him from me. I can't put up a wall and not let him in. I can't harden my heart and then prevent him from trying to chip away at it. and I most certainly can't look down on him as if he's the only one struggling here. I have to get rid of this ridiculous pride that has caused me to think myself better than he.

It's a struggle to remain humble. But I hear that it's easier if you focus on God. Because you can't help it. When you realize just how good God is, you realize just how bad you are. All the minimizing and justifying that you do to help you live with yourself each day vanishes, and you see yourself for the wretch you are. Now, honestly. Show of hands - who wants to live life as a wretch? I didn't think so. The trick is to find a balance between acknowledging your wretchedness and acknowledging God's forgiveness and mercy and grace. Yea, I know. Easier said than done. But I'm working on it.

So there you have it. I have beared my heart to you all. I am taking off the layers of fear and doubt and hopefully here in the next few months (days, weeks, years, decades? I don't know) I will have let God chisel away those layers to reveal the real me. and I will have some genuine friendships where we lift each other up and hold each other accountable and gently point out areas of ours lives that we need to examine. And I pray that I will allow my husband in, that I would lose the mask and just be me with him.

amen.

oh hi there.

2010-08-23T17:04:00.001-07:00

yea yea yea. it feels like it's been decades since I last posted. since then, I've taken my kids down for a trip to Houston to see my brother get married. Went fishing with my kids and my dad and watched my son reel in 5 out of the 7 fish that were caught that day! *so coooool!* and school has now officially started.

oh and there was this nasty little thing that happened. maybe because I told one of my old pastors in Dallas that I felt like I was on a plateau with God, like I wasn't drawing near to Him and He wasn't drawing near to me. Perhaps it was just me who wasn't making any effort, whatsoever, and I want to think that God wanted to shake things up a bit. But that's more likely a highly narcissistic outlook and not one that God would approve of. Not that He doesn't like to light a few fires under people's butts sometimes to remind them of what is truly important in the grand scheme of things. It's just that my situation isn't probably one of them.

And yet, it has turned me from what I WAS finding general comfort and ease in and has forced me to beg Him to let me into His presence just so that I can feel cared about and loved and noticed. (see how ridiculously needy I am? sigh) I just wasn't acknowledging Him at all in my daily life, and now I CAN'T go 24 hours without crawling up into His lap and experiencing His love.

I'm not going to go into detail. But I have learned a few things recently and want to share. From Ecclesiastes to CS Lewis. I will soon be posting an entry that has a LOT of CS Lewis in it. I just finished reading The Problem of Pain, and it was extraordinary. I have so many little ideas and quotes that I want to share. But today is not that day.

Soon.

the shrunken, caged God

2010-07-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

God is a raging river, crashing through terrain, forcing a way for itself through the earth. God is a locomotive, charging through the cities day and night, carrying people to their next destination. God is a lightning bolt, bright, brilliant light where there is stormy darkness, shocking us all with His power. God is the wind, sometimes just a whisper, gently brushing the hair from my neck; other times, like a tornado, spinning around and around, changing landscapes and circumstances and bonding people through tragedy. God is a warm, soothing mama, a refuge that we crave and seek when we are hurt or scared. God is a cool drink of water on a blistering, hot day. God is compassionate enough to place the sins of the world, your sins and my sins, onto the unblemished shoulders of a sweet little lamb and accept its sacrifice on our behalf. Not to mention that this perfect little lamb is the Son of a Lion.

And yet there are times when I put a blindfold over His eyes because I don’t want Him to see me in my shame. There are times when I put a gag in His mouth because I don’t want to hear His wisdom; I think I know what I’m doing. There are times when I shrink Him, and then lock Him in a cage because my life is going just fine, thank you very much, and I don’t want Him coming in and messing with it.

But then something happens, and I cry out to Him. ‘Help me, Father!’ ‘Save me, God!’ ‘Where in the world are you, Lord?’

And I forget that I’m the one who bound and gagged Him. Not that that ever stops Him. Remember, He’s a tornado. He’s the wind. He’s a raging river. He’s a soothing mama who realizes that I don’t mean it when I scream ‘Go away!’ because I'm just a dusty kid. And so He draws near, or directs someone else who is walking closely with Him to come to me, to convict me and convince me that I need to be the one drawing closer to Him. And then once I acknowledge Him, not just say His name, but truly understand in my heart who He is, then He moves. Because once I truly understand who He is, I start asking for the right things. I stop asking for those things that are self-gratifying, numbing me to my purpose and the needs of the world. I stop asking for comfort and ease and instead ask for a raft to ride the raging river. I ask for a ticket to get on that charging locomotive. I ask for a hand glider so that I can go along with the wind. I ask to be a cup overflowing with water, pouring out my life for the sake of His kingdom.

Who wants to just sit around, atrophying in the easy life, when we can be riding the rapids with God? Seems like a no-brainer and yet…

photos pt. 1

2010-06-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

Seems God has been really pushing me to do more with my photography. I've had a lot of gigs recently. Which has been awesome! I'm not, not, not a business person. I just don't think like that. But it seems God wants me to take this hobby to the next level. We'll see. I'm shooting my brother's wedding next month, and I may be hired to shoot another wedding next year or later this year. Boy o boy!

You may remember Kim and Andrew's engagement shoot that I did last fall. Just a few weeks ago, I was honored to shoot their wedding. They are such a cool couple, and Kim has the BEST taste! I loved this wedding!

(No, I did NOT tell them to do this. They are just naturally that good. ;))

(Kim's Dad and Stepdad thought holding shotguns up to the groom would be hilarious. Andrew felt the need to check the barrels before he let us do this shot. I don't blame him!)

I also had the pleasure of taking a friend of mine's family photos. She and her sister and both of their families are moving from Colorado to Virgina. They wanted to get some family portraits in the Garden of the Gods and at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. My kids got to come along for the shoot, which was really fun! We love these families and are sad to see them move. I sure hope that we can see them all again sometime!

(This is a rock formation in the Garden of the Gods called 'Kissing Camels.' Cool, huh?)

photos pt. 2

2010-06-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

Here are some more photos. We've been doing a lot around town recently, and I've been taking photos like a maniac. We recently drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park. We were gone from our house for 7 hours and only hiked for 30 minutes because pretty much as soon as we got into the park and hit the trail, it started raining. When the rain turned into a large hail storm, we had to head back to the car. The kids were cranky from the long drive, but we had to turn around and do it all over again. Not happy campers. But while we were there, it was awesome! Lots of snow still on the ground. So gorgeous! I loved the elk that we saw. I especially love the shot of the one elk turning his head up to taste the falling rain.

I was the official photographer for my church's Family VBS this past week. I shot photos like the one below of the families during dinner, and then went around during the various activities to get shots of everyone having fun. I had a blast, but *oh my goodness!* it is exhausting work! Children's Ministers are heroes.

A sweet friend of mine from Texas came up for the HOW conference a few weeks ago. When her conference was over, she stayed in CO for a bit to visit with me and my family. She's a fellow artist/photographer, so I took her to the Botanic Gardens so that we could snap some pics. We also did some exclusively 'Colorado' things, like driving up Mt. Evans and eating Beau Jo's Pizza. It was so nice seeing her and chatting with her. My kids really enjoyed her visit. Here are some of my favorite shots from the Gardens trip. I've never gotten a good photo of a dragonfly so I was super pleased that these turned out so well.

Gillian had her last day of school recently, and when she came home, I had a Slip N' Slide set up and the game of horseshoes. We ate popsicles and played for hours. It was so much fun!

My Mom and Stepdad also came up this past week to celebrate their anniversary and visit with us. Jack is normally pretty shy and doesn't like grown ups right away. But he took to his Gramie and Papaw within seconds of meeting them. I've been his Mama for 20 months, and up until this week, he has pretty much refused to call me Mom. He has called me 'Lisa,' 'Dada,' even 'Uncle.' But after only 20 minutes with my folks, he was calling out for 'Papaw.' Unbelievable! ;)

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader Official Traile...

2010-06-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

Can't wait!!!

so, hi there.

2010-06-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

I know I know. I haven't posted in ages. At least, to me it seems like ages. Since school let out, we've been very busy. We've had an aunt stay with us for a weekend. One of my besties from Dallas came up the next week and visited with us. We took to her all kinds of 'Colorado' places. And now my mom and stepdad are up to celebrate their anniversary and visit with us. Not to mention that VBS started this week at church, and I'm their official photographer. Woop!

We've been busy, and I've been stressed. I don't think one necessary is causing the other, but regardless, it is what it is. I bought a mouth guard this afternoon to hopefully help my TMJ symptoms. I started therapy a little while ago, and I'm much more tense than usual. Oh well. Healing is gonna cost something. I rarely use my sanity anymore, so I offered it up as payment.

I have a TON, no really, a TON of photos to post. I'm gonna have to seriously weed through them or else I may shut down the whole internet. ;) I shot a wedding, had a photoshoot with some super cool friends of mine and their families, and of course, VBS. Not to mention all the fun times my own little family has had in the backyard with the Slip N Slide and the horseshoes. We also went to the Rocky Mountain National Park a few weekends ago, and the Botanic Gardens. I even bought a new fancy flash to go with my fancy camera. I am loving that!

So anyway, life after LOST isn't all that bad.

hope you are well. i'll post some pics soon. and maybe something insightful and entertaining.

LOST

2010-05-24T17:59:00.000-07:00

Anyone that knows me knows that I’m a huge LOST geek. And unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past month, I’m sure you all know by now that the series finale was on last night. It seems to have really polarized the viewers. Many are upset with how it ended, but others are overjoyed. I didn’t really know what to think when it was all over. My emotions were fried. I had cried, laughed and gasped in horror. I felt like I’d been on the roller coaster ride of my life.

(Don’t read any further unless you want to be spoiled. I’m about to talk about the ending. So go watch it if you haven’t already. Then you can come back, k?)

And then they had a really strange ending. Not the Jack ending up right back where the series started, only this time with his eye closed and Vincent laying beside him so that he didn’t die alone. That was incredible. I’m not a big dog person, but that made me cry buckets.

What I’m talking about is the weird church scene where Jack’s dad appears to explain to him what is happening. The church reminded me of those bumper stickers with all the different religious symbols that spell out the word “coexist.” Although I completely agree with the fact that people should be respectful and kind to one another, regardless of one’s particular beliefs, I just found it strange that this transition had to take place in a church of no determined belief. There were stained glass windows and religious symbols all over the place in there, but they were from each of the major religions. They even had the symbol of the Frozen Donkey Wheel for those who don’t relate to any of the more traditional beliefs. I understand why the creators did that, but still. It irked me because the people who relate to LOST are doing so because they resonate with The Story of love, failure, forgiveness and redemption that I believe God has placed in our beings. Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Harry Potter have all became wildly successful because they, like LOST, all have this same common thread running through them.

That being said, there was a lot, and I mean a LOT of Christian material in this finale. Ken Tucker over at Entertainment Weekly had this to say: If there was any big surprise last night, it was how overtly Christian in its imagery and message the series proved to be. Its heavily underscored lesson was that everyone was forgiven — that word was used over and over. And the water at the Magic Glowing Source was used for the purposes of transubstantiation: “Drink this,” Jack was told upon being handed water, a phrase later repeated when Jack gave water to Hugo. Given the liquid’s effect particularly on Jack, the dialogue might just as well have quoted directly from a Communion service: “Drink this, for this is my body which is given unto you. Do this, in remembrance of me.”

For if there was one thing we can probably all agree upon, in the end, Jack Shephard was a Christ figure whose sacrifice saved many other people. The imagery could not have been more specific: Jack’s questioning and obeying of his father; his leadership of a small group of disciples; his final ascension (in TV terms, in a glowing white light). Even the piercing of his side by Locke/Man In Black was in the part of his body where Christ was speared while in agony on the crucifying cross.

Obvious to anyone who watched the show and knows the Christ of the Bible, LOST wasn’t trying to say that Jack was Jesus. Jack was a very flawed man, starting off the series completely devoid of any kind of faith. It took until the very last season for him to loosen his grip on his total reliance on science. But the writers did seem to want to allude to man’s need for redemption and how one person’s sacrifice can be such a beautiful way to love someone and save many. The Christian undertones have led many, many fans to have some truly incredible conversations over the past 6 years. And for that, I tip my hat to Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse.

What happened inside the church was, in my opinion, wonderful. I ache for the day when I will be reunited with my loved ones who have died before me. I have dreams where they meet me upon my arrival into heaven, eager to usher me through the transition from earthly life to eternal life. Aren’t we always telling people at funerals to take hope because we can one day see our loved ones again? Wouldn’t it be awesome to also be greeted by those who died after we had? Being reunited in heaven with my children, who by God’s mercy will not die before I do, would be that much sweeter. Isn’t that exactly what happened in that finale? Beautiful.

I think that what we watched last night was Jack’s particular ‘greeting room’ experience. I believe that if we had seen Jin or Sun’s experience, we would have seen Ji Yeon, their daughter. But since Jack had never met her, it makes sense that she wouldn’t be there. I also loved how Ben Linus sat outside the church, unwilling to go inside because he wasn’t ready to ‘let go and move on’ like the rest of them were. Perhaps it was because he wanted to be there for Alex, now that he could be. Perhaps he still felt as if he hadn’t ‘earned’ the right to be forgiven. Raise your hand if you’ve ever had that particular feeling? Yeah, me too. Because of that, I was able to understand why Michael and Walt and Mr. Eko weren’t in the church. Perhaps they too weren’t ready to let go.

For two hours, we watched as our favorite Oceanic 815 crash survivors found their own Constants. Daniel Faraday/Widmore, a character from the show, explains it like this: ‘When a consciousness travels back and forth through time, it needs a constant to latch onto. A constant is an object or person that exists in both periods of time that the traveler deeply cares about and could recognize.’ I’m not a believer in ‘soul mates.’ I believe it takes lots of work to maintain relationships, even with those who seem to be perfect for us. I think you can become soul mates with your loved ones by deciding and committing to go through life together no matter what happens in your lives. But it’s a choice, not a cosmic game of hide and seek; that you will never be happy in love if you don’t end up with your particular soul mate. As far as I'm aware, I've never time travelled, but I know that when I’m struggling through a difficult situation, it’s made easier if I have my husband at my side. I truly don’t know how I’d handle life without him. And so I loved that these characters found the person they so wanted/needed to be with in the end. Some of these were done so well, I nearly cried for the entire two hours.

I admit that I am frustrated with not having more answers to the many questions brought up in the show. And I find it cheap to answer some of them in the DVD release of the season. If there are questions that the writers feel need to be answered, they should have answered them in the show, not on the DVDs for $50 a pop. I have enjoyed the Island mythology/mysteries along with the story of the characters, and I wish they would have attempted to give us some more resolution about both. Really, would 7 seasons have been that bad?!

If you want to discuss more specifics about the show, let me know. It would be my pleasure. One of the best parts about watching LOST was being involved in such a smart, fun, creative community of fans who came together on the internet. What a fun experience that has been! I love LOST and will miss the show a lot, but I will also really miss hearing from such amazing people. My favorite part about reading books or seeing movies has always been the dialogue that happens as a result of coming together with others who have read/seen the story. I think LOST is truly unique for being able to bring such a diverse crowd together for such a strange cause – to figure out this blasted show! I have enjoyed that just as much as watching the show, if not more. So go ahead and send me your thoughts/questions. Because never have I related more to Benjamin Linus - beat up, sitting on the outside, not wanting to let go and move on.

Namaste.

clean

2010-05-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

About 4 days after I gave birth to my first child, my daughter Gillian, I took her with me to church. It was a Friday night, and we attended our Messianic Congregation. I remember vividly one of the men there looking shocked that I would be out of my house. He mentioned his disapproval, saying that I should have stayed home a few more days. At the time, I thought it was because he was concerned for Gillian's safety. That I shouldn't have brought someone so young, with such a young immune system, into a room full of people.

But I later figured out that he was referring to Leviticus 12.

1 The LORD said to Moses, 2 "Say to the Israelites: 'A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. 3 On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. 4 Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. 5 If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding. 6 'When the days of her purification for a son or daughter are over, she is to bring to the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting a year-old lamb for a burnt offering and a young pigeon or a dove for a sin offering. 7 He shall offer them before the LORD to make atonement for her, and then she will be ceremonially clean from her flow of blood. 'These are the regulations for the woman who gives birth to a boy or a girl. 8 If she cannot afford a lamb, she is to bring two doves or two young pigeons, one for a burnt offering and the other for a sin offering. In this way the priest will make atonement for her, and she will be clean.' "

No, I can't understand why something so natural, something that God Himself created as a means to bring new people into the world, would make a woman unclean. And I don't know whether or not God still considers women who have recently given birth to be unclean for over 2 months afterwards. (although I'd be totally willing to say that I needed to obey this particular command if I actually thought Ben would let me stay in bed for 2 months after giving birth, unable to touch any pots or pans or washing machines or bathroom floors...I would have loved to just stay in bed, cuddling with my new little love.)

But what I see when I read this passage has little to do with the woman. What I see is no mention whatsoever that this new baby is unclean. This little baby who has been inside his or her mama with all her particular germs and juices, who literally swam in them for 9 months and was pushed through the birth canal, along with her blood, is apparently clean as can be.

Have you ever seen a newborn baby? Ever been blessed with being studied by new eyes and reached out for by little dimply, chubby hands? Ever calm a crying baby just by calling out its name and having the baby relax when it recognizes your voice?

Then you have seen innocence. Innocence so pure that no matter how many times it is touched, kissed, fed, and cuddled by its unclean mama, it remains clean.

I hope that when I get to heaven, my new body will be like that of a baby's. Washed by the blood of the Lamb, a blood so cleansing that the stain of my sins can no longer be seen.

bucket of books

2010-05-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

As a wife and mom, I have a bucket list of things I want to do with my family. Stuff like camping and weekend fishing trips in the Keys, mission trips together....the usual. :)

As a woman, I have a different bucket list. and it's full of books. and it's a BIG bucket. I had better live until I'm like 148 or else I may not get through my list.

You can see some of them here. I met Lori when I married Ben. She was in a small group at church with my mother in law. She's incredible. Like I don't even have words to describe how I am inspired by her. She has homeschooled her kids and done lots and lots of reading with them, to them and once they've gone to bed. :) This is a list she compiled. She also has an excellent list of children's books to read with your little ones here. I'm planning on tackling a few from this list during the summer with the kids. The library is about a mile away, and I'm hoping to walk there once a week to get new books to share with the kids.

I am currently reading Surprised by Joy by C. S. Lewis. In it, he lists several books that helped shape his beliefs and views. I've decided that I would love to read as many as I can. Here are a few:

Edmund Spenser’s ‘The Faerie Queen’
John Milton’s ‘Paradise Lost’
George MacDonald’s ‘Phantasies,’ ‘Lilith,’ and ‘The Golden Key’
Sir Thomas Malory’s ‘Le Morte d’Arthur’
William Morris’ ‘Jason’
E.R. Eddison’s ‘The Worm Ouroborous’
E. Nesbit's 'The Railway Children,' 'Five Children and It,' 'The Phoenix and the Carpet,' 'The Story of the Amulet,' 'The Story of the Treasure-Seekers,' 'The Would-Be-Goods,' and 'The Enchanted Castle'
Voltaire's 'Candide'
Dante's 'Divine Comedy'
Poetry of Wordsworth, Tennysen, and Keats
Matthew Arnold's 'Sohrab and Rustum'
Richard Wagner's 'The Ring of the Niblung: Siegfried and the Twilight of the Gods'
H.A. Guerber's 'The Myths of the Norsemen"
Laurence Sterne's ' The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman'
Sir James George Frazer's 'The Golden Bough: A Study in Magic and Religion'

...to name a few. I noticed while browsing Amazon for these that a lot of them are available for free to download to your Kindle. Looks like I am going to want one of those afterall! :)

My last list of books (is there such a thing?) comes from my favorite TV show of all time, LOST. In addition to being an intriguing, thoughtful, entertaining show, it has turned many people onto some seriously great books. Look here for a (incomplete, I'm sure) list of the books referenced either in the show itself or by the show's episode titles. I've read several of them already, but I'm hoping to find some other fans to read these with.

"To sit alone in the lamplight with a book spread out before you, and hold intimate converse with men of unseen generations - such is a pleasure beyond compare." ~Kenko Yoshida

"Books are the bees which carry the quickening pollen from one to another mind." ~James Russell Lowell

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." ~Groucho Marx

what we've been up to recently

2010-05-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

We've really been enjoying the warmer weather recently. We spend a good part of our day in the backyard. In our front yard, a mama robin has made her nest along our gutter drain. I sure hope her eggs don't fall out! I love watching the robins. The boys and I play a lot of baseball and soccer when we're out. And of course, Josh loves his water table. Our lilac tree is blooming, and it is gorgeous!

We made pinewood derby cars for the races that our church had. They had races for the older Awanas kids one night and then for all families a few nights later. Our cars weren't that fast, but Josh's Shark car won first place in design for his age group. Go Josh!!

These are Gillian and Josh's cars. Josh's is the shark and Gillian's is the yellow lion one.

We went to this really cool State Park near us and enjoyed the warm weather.

That'll Preach!

2010-05-10T11:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, Josh was complaining that Gillian wasn't being fair. She told him that we shouldn't expect life to be fair because it isn't. And that if life were fair, we'd all be going to hell because we don't deserve to go to heaven!

Jews who love Jesus

2010-04-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

Have you guys ever been to a Messianic congregation? We attended one for years in Dallas, and when my mother in law moved in next door to some amazing Russian Jews, they invited us to visit the congregation they attend. We went this morning.

First off, I have never, NEVER, never been greeted and treated with such warmth at any other kind of church. Messianic congregations know how to love each other. It felt like home the second we walked in. I am overwhelmed right now with how lovely it was to hear Hebrew prayers again and to hear a room full of people singing Jewish praises to our Messiah.

Secondly, I LOVE hearing sermons with so much reference to the Old Testament in them. At our other church, (which totally rocks, by the way) we hear mostly New Testament references. Of course, they have included Old Testament scriptures, but not as often as I'd like. I feel like I get to know my God better when I read the Old Testament. I'm going through all of the Old Testament this year. (Well, I started last year, but I'm hoping to complete a read through this year. I read through the New Testament a few years ago.) To me, the Old Testament brings the New Testament to life. Not that the New Testament by itself is dead. By no means. But it makes so much more sense when you add this history and prophesy to it. I just love all of God's Word. So rich.

Thirdly, does it get any better than Messianic Jewish praise songs?! Is that possible? I don't think so. I played flute in our congregation's praise band back in Dallas for years. This congregation has a flute player too who has such a bell-like voice. I was so nourished by that this morning. Plus, the guy who said the sermon looked like he'd driven to church on his Harley, and he played violin in the praise team. I couldn't be more giddy.

I am feeling very blessed this afternoon because of my time in this congregation this morning. I look forward to Shabbat there next week.

Light in the Darkness

2010-04-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

I have personally escorted God into some truly dark places. How about you? I used to think I’d make a good criminal (don’t they all?) because I’m pretty observant, and I don’t mind risk. But I ended up figuring out that I couldn’t be a criminal because I didn’t actually want to do anything bad. I just assumed that I could and get away with it. I sure wouldn’t have thought that possible if I had considered that God would see me. That He’d see me planning it out and executing it and then basking in my own stupid glory when the cops didn’t come banging down my door. When I think of that now, I shudder to think what could have been.

I hate to think of what I’ve exposed my sweet, sweet Lord to when He examines my heart. I have some serious sludge in there, and He has taken it upon Himself to sift through it and present me with its messes. But He doesn’t just drop a heap of my own garbage in my lap, standing over me with an exasperated, disapproving look on His face. He offers to help me clean it up. Seriously? My God? The God who is soooooo good that He can’t have a speck of sin around Him? That God has offered to go THERE with me, into the deep, dark dungeon of my soul in order to relieve me of the stifling mess I keep hoarded up in there?

Why yes He does. Wow.

My own husband won’t even go with me to some of the places that I want to visit. He doesn’t even like to hear me talk about it. With my past, I sometimes fancy myself uniquely qualified to walk into some of these places and shine the light of Jesus there. It freaks Ben out. But God…God is already there. I’d just be joining Him there. And I don’t need to go there for God to show up. He’s right there right now. I sometimes have a hard time picturing God in these places. How can He just stand there and allow some of that garbage to happen? How can Love exist in such close proximity to Evil? But He’s not just standing there, all stoic and unaffected. He’s weeping with those who are weeping. He’s comforting those who need comforting. He’s moving in the hearts of those who do wrong, calling them into a relationship with Him, showing them the error of their ways. He’s trying to rally the troops and get His followers to follow Him there.

I am thankful that God doesn’t abandon us when we enter these dark territories. Whether in our minds and hearts or literally with our feet. Not only does He accompany us in the midst of our mess, but He offers to clean us off afterwards. What love!

more spring flowers

2010-04-20T11:18:00.001-07:00

We walked the loooong way home yesterday after picking up Gillian from school. I had seen this pretty tree with white flowers (I'm awful with names of trees. I have no idea what kind it is) up against a bunch of red bricks and knew that I wanted to take photos there. It was a nice little walk through our neighborhood, and I think these pictures speak for themselves. pretty pretty pretty!!

Are you as excited as I am to visit your local botanic gardens/arboretum this spring?! I knew you'd be. There's a free day coming up at the Denver Botanic Gardens this week, but I messed up and forgot all about that and scheduled to have the moms from my MOPS group over that morning. Guess I'll just have to pay the admission and actually avoid the free-day crowds soon. (Yay!!!) Maybe Hubby can be bribed into watching the kids so that I can all by myself! (I just gasped. That would be huge. like, HUGE! Wonder what I could bribe him with.... I'm thinking amazing pictures of flowers wouldn't be payoff enough for him.) :)

book nerds and prophesy

2010-04-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

I’m a total book nerd. Always have been. Always will be. Hubby wants to get me a Kindle, but I don’t know how much I'd like it. I love the feel of a good paperback in my hands.

Recently, I've read a biography of George Muller and C.S. Lewis. I've read 'This Beautiful Mess' by Rick McKinley, and 'The Great Divorce' by C.S. Lewis.

Right now, I’m reading 'Pure Scum: The Left-Out, the Right-Brained, and the Grace of God,' by Mike Sares of Scum of the Earth Church. I first visited Scum 8 years ago. When we moved to Colorado, we went a couple more times. And just recently, I've been trying to attend more frequently. My hubby went to a bible study way back when Reece Roper of Five Iron Frenzy was leading a study there. We love what they are doing, and this book is pure genius.

Last night, I was reading in 'Pure Scum,' and I read about how Psalm 22 is actually prophetic. I had never realized this. Here’s what I learned.

In the Bible, Matthew and Mark both record that “About the ninth hour, Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, Lama sabachthani?” – which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Those who were nearby would have heard this and immediately thought of Psalm 22. The first line in Psalm 22 is “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” I've never fully been able to wrap my head around Jesus saying this. I find it hard to believe that God would have turned His face from His Son in His darkest hour. God has always promised to be there for us, but He can’t even stick around to support His own Son? But let’s read a little further in Psalm 22.

Verses 14-18 say I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint. My heart has turned to wax; it has melted away within me. My strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth; you lay me in the dust of death. Dogs have surrounded me; a band of evil men has encircled me, they have pierced my hands and my feet. I can count all my bones; people stare and gloat over me. They divide my garments among them and cast lots for my clothing.

I was blown away when I read this last night. If Jesus was just a really good scholar of God's Word, He could have stolen a donkey and road into Jerusalem on it without having been the true Son of God. If He had learned some magic, He might could have done some of the miracles that the writers of the Gospels tell us He did. But how could He have arranged for King David, who was long dead when Jesus was born, to have written so many details of His crucifixion if He wasn't indeed the Messiah? The Bible tells us that Jesus was very thirsty, and this Psalm tells us that his tongue would stick to the roof of his mouth. We know that unlike most others who were crucified, Jesus' hands and feet were pierced as He was nailed to the cross. We know that even though He suffered brutal beatings, none of His bones were broken. We know that those who gathered to watch Jesus die were casting lots for His clothing.

Maybe this isn't news to you, and you're wondering what took me so long in figuring out this little connection between what Jesus said on the cross and what David wrote in the Psalms, but Pastor Sares pointed it out to me, and I thought it was important enough to share with you.

If you're interested, I will be reading 'Surprised by Joy,' 'The Abolition of Man,' and 'A Grief Observed' by C.S. Lewis soon. Not sure why I'm on a Jack kick, but I am. I've always been fascinated with the way he saw the world around him and beyond him. This week, Gillian and I are reading "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" from the Chronicles of Narnia (for the third time) because we are both attending a Book Study of the book at church next week. and yes, we're super crazy excited for the movie to come out this year, thanks for asking.

For Narnia and for Aslan!!

Human

2010-04-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Josh said, "Mom, you're a really great human."

*melt*

Have a great day and be a good human.

xo

Retroactive

2010-04-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Are there some things in your life that happened, but it wasn't until later that you realized the significance of those things?

For me, marriage and childbirth are the ones that stand out the most to me. I knew they were important days, but I didn't realize how important until much later. I just couldn't see the big picture yet. I probably still only see a fraction of the picture, but I know that I see more of it today than when they actually occured.

There are many, many roads we travel down as we go through life. And pretty regularly, we come to a fork. We make a choice, not knowing the significance of that choice until we've come to the end of that particular road. We often wonder if we can go back and choose differently because the fork we chose didn't turn out like we'd hoped. But because no one has made time travel accessible, we just have to live with our choices and hope to choose more wisely the next time we encounter a fork.

I had no idea when I got married 8 years ago how much I would change. I remember hoping that Ben would change a bit, but I didn't see where I needed to change. I didn't realize how stubborn I was. I didn't realize how selfish and self-centered I was. Being a wife and a mom has forced me to make choices for more than just myself. My choices affect my family now, and it's not a light responsibility to bear. It's been difficult, but I wouldn't trade the experiences for anything because being responsible for others has helped me escape the prison of my own skull.

I saw this literally the other day when I was getting ready to go to church. I had rollers in my hair and was making awkward faces in the mirror trying to get my mascara just right. And behind me, in the reflection, was my husband, talking about his dream from the night before. My youngest son in his arms, playing with his daddy's collar. My middle child with his arms wrapped around one of my thighs, his forehead poking up over the counter just enough that I can see him a little bit in the mirror. And my sweet, red-headed daughter, primping and pleading to go with Mom and Dad to Big Church instead of her Sunday school class. I realized that I rarely get to see myself in the mirror anymore without at least one of two members of my family included in the reflection. I don't just see me anymore. I see them all. All the time.

There are days when all I want to see is my lone self in the mirror. I just want to be left alone with my own thoughts and to make decisions that will only affect me. There are days when my family feels like a ball and chain. But most days, I realize how deeply honored I am to have been entrusted with my family. My husband needs a wife, and God saw fit that it should be me. My children need a mom, and God saw fit that it should be me. How overwhelming and exhilirating all at the same time! And as awesome as that is, I still find myself craving the company of those who have long been potty trained and can cut their food by themselves and who won't wipe their runny noses on my pretty dress.

But I realize that there will come a day when my decision to crawl on the floor pushing trains across a track and coloring in the princess coloring book and changing into a new, clean dress (or just wearing my dirty one and calling it 'flavorful') and singing the ABC's (for the gazillionth time) will pay off big time.

That by my choosing to stop cleaning behind the couch for a few minutes while my son finds comfort in my arms because he's afraid of the boogy man, I am teaching him something about how valued he is, and then he just might believe it when he hears it from Jesus.

That by my choosing to put off that nice, relaxing, warm bath with my ears under the water and something by CS Lewis in my hands to let her entertain me with tales of knights and soldiers and heroes and enchantments galore, I am teaching her that what she says is important and worthy to be heard, and then maybe she will believe that her prayers are heard by and important to God.

That by my choosing to step away from the computer mid-game (when I'm beating my high score) in order to chase my littlest one around the room which makes us both laugh so hard that we have tears spilling all over our faces, and we collapse on the floor in exhausted heaps of pure, uninhibited joy, that I am teaching him that he is much more important that my silly attempts at significance (that don't make me any more significant in the slightest), and perhaps he will realize that he has something to offer when God opens his eyes to the needs of this world.

And all because I stopped and saw them and realized that one day I will want what I did while they weren't potty trained and still wiping snot on my dress to matter and to point to them God. I pray that I can look back someday (because that someday WILL come when I look into the mirror and only see myself) and see what I choose to engage in helped my kids, my husband, and me to know God more. I can't see it now. All I see now are the constant needs of my family and how I don't seem to be enough for them. Thank you, Jesus, that I'm not the only one taking care of me and my family.

Spring

2010-04-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

We had a playdate last week that the boys and I went to. So fun, and I got some cute images.

We had the playdate at the home of some of our friends. If you know me, you know I love cherry blossoms. Or apple blossoms, plum blossoms...anything like that. I saw these here blossoms on a bush and just had to grab some shots. Gorgeous!!!

Ah, spring. Am I the only one truly giddy about having survived another winter to see this dawn of the year? I see the seasons like I see the days. Dawn - Spring. Midday - Summer. Dusk - Fall. Midnight - Winter. They line up in my head like that. Images like these below almost make winter worth it. The sweet ain't as sweet without a little bitter...

I took these at the Hudson Gardens. Not a lot was blooming yet, but I still found some bright, vibrant, saturated color among the dried out, thirsty bushes.

Wanna know the other thing I equate with spring? Young love. I am by no means a wedding photographer. The very thought makes me break out in a smelly sweat. I can take senior portraits, nature shots, even engagement pics, and if I royally screw up - it's no giant loss. They just just hire someone else. But with weddings, you've got one shot to get it right. There's no getting all dolled up and renting the chapel again just to get some more photographs. Nope. It's now or never. So I get very nervous and have turned down shooting weddings before because of it. But I have two weddings that I'm shooting this summer. (breathe. breathe. breathe.) and I'm nervous, but I'm so excited! The first is for my husband's cousin and her soon-to-be hubby. I took their engagement photos. You can see them here. The second wedding is of my baby brother. My family ADORES his fiancee, and we couldn't be happier that they have made it official. She called me while we were at the Hudson Gardens and asked me if I'd be their photographer. I sure hope I can do their relationship justice. They are both so solid and faithful and loving. I am honored that they thought of me to do their pictures. I will be reading up a LOT in the next few months to prepare so that I can feel more confident. I look forward to posting their special days so we can all celebrate with them. I still vividly remember my brother curling up in my lap, holding his Snoopy doll and his blankey in order to relax at night. I can hardly believe he's going to be a husband. So so so so happy for him.

Enjoy spring! (or at least give Zyrtec a try, and THEN enjoy spring.)

Firsts

2010-04-02T12:21:00.000-07:00

In each of the four Gospels, there is an account of Jesus sending two of his disciples to a village to get a young colt to bring back to him. He plans to ride it into Jerusalem to fulfill the prophesy referenced in Zechariah that says that the king of Zion will ride into Jerusalem on a foal of a donkey, a colt. Mark 11:2 tells us that this colt had never been ridden before.

Jesus was the first person ever to ride upon this particular colt. I think this is significant. Aren’t we always celebrating our firsts? We celebrate our young children’s first steps, first teeth, even their first haircuts. I will never forget my first job (cashier at Walgreens), my first crush (Ralph Macchio, the Karate Kid), or my first car (1994 Red Hyundai Excel – hatchback). I’m sure it doesn’t take you long to recall your first date and your first kiss.

There’s something special about our firsts. Something sacred. We see them as worthy of celebration, and we remember them fondly. (usually) This young foal didn’t realize it, but the first time he was ridden was incredibly important.

I wonder then why it is that we sometimes rush these firsts. Why we don’t consider the importance, the sacredness of these moments when we’re in the moment. I couldn’t wait for my first date. My parents wanted me to wait until I was at least 16 before I went anywhere special with my boyfriend. So for my 16th birthday, my parents gave up their concert tickets to us to see Brian Adams. They later found some last minute tickets on sale and got them for themselves, and, no kidding, we double dated. Yes, my first date was with my boyfriend and my parents. And I couldn’t have been happier.

I felt like a princess. I felt like I’d entered into this new circle of people. People who had permission to show affection for their partner, in public, without fear of it getting back to their folks. It was a pretty big deal.

I also remember the first time I had sex. In the moment, I knew I’d entered into a new stage in life. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a stage I was quite ready for. I was pretty young. And it was a pretty big deal. I didn’t realize how big of a deal until much, much later when I got married and wished that I could have shared that big deal with my husband instead of this guy I dated in high school that I didn’t talk to anymore. I wish that I had known then that this new stage in life couldn’t be reversed. I wish I had known that after that moment, each moment that I spent with this boyfriend or any other boyfriend wouldn’t feel special enough unless I was being physically intimate with them. There were many times after that first moment that I wished I was back to necking and holding hands. But that was never enough. And so I rushed into that part of a relationship way before I ever should have, and because of it, I have some really messed up views about sex between a husband and a wife.

I wish I could take it back. I wish I could find the nearest delorean and whip up a flux capacitor and go back in time to tell that young girl that she will one day want that moment to mean more than it does. To tell her that she should wait until the moment will be perfect for her and her husband. To warn her that once she has that first moment, all other intimate moments after it will pale in comparison, and that she should offer that first time to her spouse only.

Firsts are very important, and we should protect them as if we are protecting something precious to us. Because one day we will wake up and realize that it was one of the most sacred moments in our lives.

Photos

2010-04-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

Hello there. I've been a bit camera happy recently and thought I'd share some pics from the past few weeks.

We drove down to Ben's Grandpa Lou's place for a visit and played a lot outside because the weather was just so fabulous. The sweet little blondie in the photos is such a doll. She's the daughter of one of Ben's aunts. She loves babies and poor thing couldn't get a loving response out of Jack for anything. Not that she didn't try. She was so tender and friendly with him, and he just pushed her away and said "No!" or "Owww" when she tried to hug him. sigh. Someday he will learn that when a cute girl wants to hug, you should at least smile at the girl!

We also did indeed get well enough to have Josh's Shark Birthday Party. A week after we had initially planned to have it, we had some friends over for Pin the Fin on the Shark and other games, shark-infested-beach cupcakes and an overall very fun time.

Check out this JOSH confetti! So fun! We had these scattered all over the table. :)

I filled up a few of these balloons with candy and one of them with a dollar bill. The kids sat on them, and eventually used toothpicks, to pop as many as possible and collect the goodies inside. Our sweet friend Rachel found the dollar bill and gave it to the birthday boy! So thoughtful!!!

Yes, that is a shark pinata. How cool are we?! Each kid got three swings at it, and the last kid busted it up on his third hit. Perfect!

This little girl is one of my Cubbies from Awanas. She is precious. Josh gave her a little hug as she was leaving. Love it!!

Jack had been trying all day to snag a cupcake and finally got one as I was cleaning up after most everyone left. He saw all the crumbs that fell on the floor after he ate and went up to the kitchen counter and started pointing and grunting (coz that's just about all he does these days to communicate with us. sigh.) at the Dustbuster up there. So I handed it to him, and he proceeded to clean the house with it. Awesome!!

Last evening, we all went outside as the sun was setting. The kids laid in the grass and let me take their photos. Josh was very daydreamy.

Jack was totally not interested in me taking his photo last night. Good thing he and I had sat down in the afternoon for some indoor shots.

common sense

2010-03-31T20:17:00.000-07:00

It makes no sense to me that everyone on my street has a lawnmower. Seriously. We use our lawnmower once a week in the summer. At most. and my neighbors use their lawnmowers once a week. At most. The other 6 days of the week, it just sits in our garages. We all spent $100 or more to own lawnmowers when it makes much more sense to have one lawnmower per 7-ish people. We could all go in on one lawnmower and share it.

And in the process, not only would we all save some money, we'd get to actually have a relationship with our neighbors. "Hey John, I was wanting to come get the mower. Are you free after work?" "Sure Steve, come by for some dinner while you're at it. My kids have been asking to play with your kids."

Do you see how beautiful that is?

And HEY! Since we all had $100 to buy multiple lawnmowers, why don't we take the money we saved by sharing one lawnmower and see if that single mom up the block could use some help with groceries or rent or whatever. We could just put it in an envelope and leave it in her mailbox. Or better yet, we could actually invite her and her kids over for dinner and build a relationship with them too.

It just makes more sense.

Rick McKinley over at Imago Dei wrote about this in his book, This Beautiful Mess. Check it out!

Interview with a Vampire...eh...Blogger

2010-03-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

I was interviewed over at BlogInterviewer yesterday about this here blog. It isn't much, just me writing about why I blog and all that. If you wanna check it out, you can visit http://bloginterviewer.com/ or here to go directly to my interview.

Happy Birthday Josh!!!!

2010-03-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

Five years ago today, I gave birth to my first son, Joshua Isaac. He is such a tender kid, and I am crazy about him. We were supposed to have a birthday party for him this past Sunday, but Gillian woke up with an ear infection, and Jack and I had a stomach bug. So we cancelled the party and hope to have our friends over this weekend for the party. I felt so bad about having to cancel his party that I went ahead and decorated some cupcakes for him on Sunday. He wants a Shark Party, so they are shark themed cupcakes. And ridiculously yummy!

I can't believe that this sweet (poop-loving) boy is starting kindergarten this fall. That is beyond bonkers. I'm excited for him though because he couldn't be happier. I look forward to seeing him grow more and more into the man that God wants him to be. He's such a funny guy. He told me the other day that he wanted to have a baby. So I tell him that someday he probably will meet a girl and they will fall in love and then he will have kids. No, he says, I want to be pregnant. Uh, Josh. You don't have a womb. He says, oh, I don't need a womb. I can just eat an egg and it will hatch in my stomach and then I can throw it up and put a diaper on it.

Just like that.

What a funny kid! He comes up with these zingers all the time. Oh, and he loves me 89%. At least, that's what he told me this week. :)