Salt and Light

I wrote about my husband and his motor scooter accident in the last entry. But I didn’t mention much about the person my husband is. I felt it was time to introduce my better half.

Ben and I met two days after I became a Christian. I had interviewed for a telemarketing position at a bank, and he was outside smoking. I didn’t think much of him because I was so euphorically in love with Christ that nothing else really appealed to me. But we talked a little, I honestly don’t remember what about, and smoked a cig or two before I had to catch my bus, and he had to return to his job, telemarketing for the bank. He said he hoped I got the job.

I got the job, and got to know Ben a little better. I had a curfew because I lived at a rehab house in Oak Cliff and later lived at the Salvation Army in South Dallas, where I also had a curfew. So I couldn’t really date Ben for a couple of months. But the day that I got my own place, walking distance from the bank, Ben asked me out. We got coffee after work, and I showed him the very bare inside of my apartment. Very bare meaning I had a pillow, a comforter I had won at rehab, an alarm clock that played CDs, a few CDs, and a pair of shoes and a couple of nice work outfits that the ladies from the rehab house had let me take when I left. That’s it. No toilet paper. No plates or cups or silverware. No shampoo or shower curtain. Nothing else. But I was ecstatic to have this space to call my own.

We stayed up talking and listening to a few of his CDs. We stretched out on the comforter that was spread across the living room floor and just enjoyed each other’s company. Then he had to leave to board a plane at 6am to fly to California and fix some company’s computer system. When he returned, we resumed our dating.

Now, I’m painting a pretty picture. But it wasn’t all that pretty.

I was used to manipulating people to get my way. GASP – NO! SAY IT ISN’T SO!

Oh yes. I was the greatest.

For whatever reason, I used to love to create crises to bring attention to myself. I think I was trying to figure out whether you were willing to put up with large amounts of drama for the opportunity to be with me. I guess I thought if you were willing to jump through hoops for me, that you wouldn’t hurt me, and I could trust you. I don’t know. I’m a psycho, not a psychologist.

So anyway, we went through a few of those crises. And Ben stayed. In fact, Ben sort of got annoyed with them pretty quickly, and one day while writhing around on the floor waiting for him to look up from his computer game and notice me, I realized that if I didn’t get up and cook dinner, that we wouldn’t eat. So I got up. And that was God’s way of teaching me that I was a fool and that I didn’t need to do all of that.

And even though we were Christians, and we knew what was right and wrong, one month into dating, we discovered that we were pregnant. We decided right away that we were going to get married and that we needed to abstain until marriage. I figured “What’s the worst that can happen? Ben is a Christian!” We were married 10 days later, just 2 months and 5 days after our first date.

Ben is also bipolar. I had been depressed for years so I had dealt with many psychiatrists and counselors. I figured I knew all there was to know about mental illness. In my mind, mental illness was what they said you had when you acted like a doofus because you were dealing with stuff that was too difficult to deal with in a normal manner. And in my case, that was probably accurate. But Ben is different. He actually IS mentally ill. He actually has this switch in his brain that, when switched the wrong way, causes him to behave in ways that are far from normal; in particular when he is manic. I’ve had to deal with more issues in our short marriage than most couples deal with in a lifetime.

I’m not about to bash my sweet husband’s reputation and give in to the temptation to describe to you readers what exactly we’ve been through to give this little entry credibility. Just trust me on this one.

Trust is a word that is really hard for me to mention in the same sentence as my husband. We’ve had our secrets, and we’ve made our mistakes, and I’ve offered forgiveness and grace. (Another inaccurately painted picture – in actuality, it takes me far too long to let go of my right to pout and withhold sex and act like a martyr.) And I unfairly compare him to people I’ve known in the past who didn’t change, and I assume Ben never will either, and then I hold that against him, even though it hasn’t happened yet and probably never will. Ugh.

Regardless, we all have our issues. We all have our little buttons that, when pushed, send us looking for the exit sign. And I’ve threatened divorce more times that most hearts can take. But Ben is strong and realizes I’m an emotional, rash, fickle little doofus, and he’s graciously forgiven me for giving up so quickly so often.

I’m saying all this to paint a picture. A beautiful picture that I am seeing for the first time myself. It is a picture of my husband. It is a picture of a guy that I didn’t think I had met. This guy looks like my husband and sounds like my husband, but because of my harsh criticisms, didn’t resemble my husband. Because of my predisposed hesitancies toward feeling completely in love with my husband (or anyone for that matter), I've missed seeing this wonderful man that God Himself chose as my partner in this life. I am finally lifting the veil, removing the assumed characteristics from my husband's person, so that I can see him for who he actually is.

Ben is slightly manic right now. In fact, I panicked a few months ago when he started talking faster and hanging out with neighbors more often because I was sure he was going manic. Manic equals panic in my book. So I planned all these escape routes, places to stay until after the storm quieted, people to call, things to do. But we got him in to see his doc quick enough that we heeded off the storm. He’s still quicker than he’s been for the past year, but it hasn’t affected his decision-making in a negative way. In fact, it’s given him the needed ‘umph’ to start the long process of getting certified in several different computer ‘things’ (I know, I know. I’m revealing my complete ignorance about computers). And he’s doing it. He’s getting certified in so many things, getting so many letters after his name, that he will soon need to use a 4 X 6 note card as a business card! I’m so proud of his hard work and am trying to support him by encouraging him go to Starbucks and study when what I really want to just sit and watch TV with him.

The thing with the neighbors is that Ben is attracted to alcohol-drinking, cigarette-smoking guys who work on cars or tattoos and don’t go to church. (The fact that I describe these sweet guys this way shows how shallow my “love-thy-neighbor” bucket truly is.) Ben tends to be friends with the kind of guys that nice Christian girls would not want to bring home to her parents, and I usually get nervous about them being around our kids. I always huff and puff when Ben asks if it’s ok with me if he goes and hangs out with them because I want him to subconsciously know that I worry that they will influence him, and he will end up drunk and stoned, in the middle of some highway, tossed out of their getaway car that they drove away from the bank they just robbed in order to have money to buy drugs and hookers.

Can’t you just smell the judgmentalism? I know, it reeks.

But it isn't like that. Ben is the one influencing them. See, Ben isn’t like me. Thank God. Ben sees these guys as just guys. He doesn’t care what they’ve done in the past. He doesn’t even really care what they’re doing with their today. And he might not even know what they’re going to do in the future. But he sure does know if they believe in God and whether or not they go to church. And it’s not like he seeks out people he doesn’t know in order to share the gospel with them. He just meets people, and it comes out naturally in a conversation with him. They speak openly about their beliefs (of lack of belief) and/or frustrations with the church. They do this because they sense NO judgment from Ben and no pressure to agree with him. They don’t fear that he won’t accept them or like them or that if they have a need, they can’t come to him. They share their struggles with him so easily, and he’s become most peoples ‘only Christian friend.’

I LOVE that about my husband. It is sooo not me, and for that I am ashamed. I am doing something really wrong here. But at least God knew that about me and paired me up with someone who gets it, and from whom I can learn how to show God’s love and grace to others. I imagine most of these people don’t go to church because of people like me, and my eyes are so opened to that right now. I am seeing something real here that I pray will change me and make me a better ambassador for Christ.

So this is my husband. This is my Ben. And I am proud of him and adore him and am thankful that God paired us up to be partners in this life. God knows I need him!

motorscooter madness

My husband bought a motorscooter recently because we knew it would save us on fuel, and I'd have the car available all the time. Plus he would love wicked cool.

Everything was going great until October 6.

Ben was riding the scooter to work and was preparing to make a right turn on red. He noticed the other cars slowing down, so he figured he was clear to turn. But a truck hit him. There weren't any skid marks on the street, so we don't think the truck saw Ben and never even slowed down.

I was at home waiting online for Ben to get on from work so we could flirt by instant messaging. Instead I heard a loud pounding at my front door and the doorbell was being rung constantly. I rushed downstairs, and asked who was at the door.

"police"

I hesitated opening the door because I didn't want it to be a rapist dressed like a cop. As soon as the door was open, the cop asked if Benjamin was my husband. I about fell over.

"yes"

"Ma'am, your husband has been in an accident. I've been with him the whole time. (Here is where he reached out his arms to catch me.) He's ok, he just has a broken leg. He knew you would be on the computer and asked if I'd come and let you know which hospital he's at."

I thanked him profusely for coming by, packed up the kids, and rushed to the emergency room.

Now, I'm a hypocondriate. Always have been. I can get cramps during "that time of the month" and before I realize I'm about to start my period, I go from "maybe it's my period" to "I have stomach cancer, and it's spread to my BRAIN!"

Typically, I imagine things are ridiculously worse than they actually are.

But in Ben's case, reality was worse than I had thought.

He had a compound fracture which means his bone was sticking up out of his leg. His foot was just sort of dangling there. And I wasn't prepared for blood. Normally, when I picture in my mind a broken bone, I can imagine the awkward, unnatural body position, but I don't see blood. There was a lot of blood when I first saw Ben. And I found out that another bone in his leg was broken and that his opposite arm was broken as well.

Later that day after surgery, we found out that it was his tibia and fibia in his left leg that were broken and that his humerus in his right arm was shattered. It actually took the doc by surprise to see how broken up the bone in his arm was.

After two surgeries, one that Friday, and one on Sunday (Ben's birthday - poor guy), the bones were set.

To handle the pain, the hospital put Ben on morphine and the occasional Loritab.

Ben's system didn't handle it well, however. First, we noticed that when they took his catheter out, he couldn't urinate. They were giving him 4-5 catheters a day to empty his bladder. Then his colon became very swollen, so swollen that when you pressed on his torso, it was so firm you'd think there was a baby in there waiting to be born any second. Then he couldn't take a sip of water without throwing it up because the inflated colon squished his stomach, and it couldn't hold anything.

They ended up giving him some-sort-of-'scopy' to suck the air out of the colon to help deflate it some. It took a while, but as of the other morning, he's using number 1 and number 2 all by himself again. Yesterday morning, they let him start liquids and last night, he ate food for the first time in 4 days.

He also had to have two blood transfusions recently. When he arrived at the hospital, his hemoglobin was a 13. They gave him two transfusions during surgery. When they tested him later, he was a 9. And last Friday, he was a 6, which is extremely low. So he received two more. They couldn't find a source for the blood loss and even ran a test to see if he had a condition where your body actually attacks and destroys its own blood, but he doesn't have that. They've stopped looking for a source of the bleeding and don't seem concerned about it anymore. And they haven't been able to explain to me much about it, so I'm still concerned. I told them that if we get home, and he starts looking like rancid meat again, I'm bringing him back!

In this time, he has also learned how to get out of the bed fairly easily and has manuveured a wheelchair for a good distance. He's using his good arm to push and his good leg to steer.

He called this morning to say he thinks he's coming home today. And if not today, tomorrow. They had planned on transferring him to a rehab hospital until he could move around better, but I think Ben convinced them to rush the return home and have the rehab nurses come to our home because we have tickets this weekend to see a comedian that we like. At least he's got his priorities in the right place!

I'm a little stressed about him coming home. I imagine I will have to work as if there are a couple more toddlers running around. I have to keep our kids from running into his leg or arm. I have to get everything for Ben that he needs. And I believe we're just going to have a portable commode sitting in the living room next to him that will have to be emptied and cleaned twice an hour (at least that's how often he's needing it now). A lot of people have offered to come over and help. I can see the conversations now: "Hi there, guest. Can you help Ben wipe his behind?"

Of course, I would never ask that of a guest and Ben has been successful at doing that himself in the last day or so, thank you very much.

So I'm just awaiting the call to come bring him home - which is a chore in itself since we have stairs, lots of stairs.

Through all this stress, we've really felt little grief. We've been blessed with a large community of friends and family, and they've all rallied together to help us through this trying time. My mom and stepdad drove up from Houston the day of the accident and took both of our kiddos for a week to their house in Houston. And they drove them back up. (They are insane. They make the trip in one day! WOW.) The kids thought they were at Disneyland. This was a huge blessing for me because I was able to stay with Ben at the hospital overnight and was able to run around town getting all the necessary paperwork filed. We've had much financial help. I've had more $20 bills shoved into my hand in the last week than I've ever seen. We've had people bring meals and take me out to eat. I had another family play with our daughter on Sunday after church for several hours. I've had times of wonderful fellowship with friends where I felt comfortable expressing every raw emotion I was having and feeling loved and excepted and normal afterwards. We've felt saturated in prayer, and I have, at times, felt as if I wasn't even using my own legs, as if God was just carrying me through. It has also been a beautiful time of connecting with my husband through sweet sacrifices and expressions of gratitude and love and commitment.

I really feel blessed because not only did Ben keep his life, his injuries CAN and WILL heal. He will probably even regain his full mobility back over time. How remarkable!

So that's been our recent adventure. If you think about it, pray for continued healing and no further complications. Pray that the kiddos are angelic and patient during Ben's healing time at home. And pray that Ben is able to see how loved he is.

thank you.